Dear Mr Diary
by LethalxLilly
Summary: Emmett has a diary? Well this could only mean one thing: Emmett likes to journal. And it triggers random crazy events. Like Dora, christmas tree Alice, Sky Dieing, singing, blowing things up and the such. :D Rated Q for mass destruction.
1. Emmett Cant Play Piano

Dear Mr. Diary,

Today I broke Edwards piano. I tried to play… But it wouldn't play! I got really mad because it WOULDN'T play what I was trying to play. So I smashed it and bit it. And... now we have a vampire piano. We're torching it at noon. That's 10 minutes. I also threw Jasper's clothes out the window at 6:30 am. That was funny. He had to go outside naked. And he had to run at a human speed because we had visitors. The girls were staring at him. Edward wouldn't give Jasper clothes so that's why he had to go outside. Then Jasper kicked my butt. But then at 7:30ish am I put leeches on Edward. He got mad and threw scissors, screaming, "YOU IDIOT WE DON'T HAVE BLOOD!" So yeah that was funny. And I tried to push Rose into a gym and she said, "Stop pestering me." and stuffed sweaty socks in my mouth. They tasted sweaty. So now I'm not pestering anyone… yet.

That's all Mr. Diary, good bye.

_Emmett Cullen_

Ps- Don't tell Edward I hide his studded belt in Canada.

* * *

A few hours later...

"MR. DIARY!" I screamed, "YOU TOLD EDWARD! HOW COULD YOU!? AFTER EVERYTHING I'VE TOLD YOU!" –sob- "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME!? I LOVED YOU!"

The book shrugged, "I couldn't help it, Emmett. Edward gave me 12$ to tell him"

I almost cried, "You're cheating on me!? You could've called!"

"But I did!"

"Oh! I must've not gotten my phone!"

The book looked suspicious… "Um of course not!"

I gasped, "GASP! YOU! YOU TEXT ME!?"

The diary's eyes got wide, and I continued, "Ohmygosh! I thought that was Rose...So I ignored it!"

The diary sighed, "Well I'm going back into the drawer now."

"DAMN STRAIGHT YOU ARE!" I said, heartbroken.

Then I shoved him into the drawer.

**Please review**


	2. Filler

**Lol, just skip this chapter. I've been editing my chapters so they're correct, and I've messed up the reviews. Like the reviews moved back two chapters because I deleted two. So I'm just putting this in place of the two chapters.**

**No point in reading this, just go to the next one.**

**PEACE.**

**-Vienna. (Or Koda, or Lilly. Whatever you want to call me. Vienna is what my mom was going to name me, but instead I got named after her aunt, and my dads grandma. Soo... yeah. I like Vienna better than Lilly. And better than my old nickname, Koda. And yes, Vienna, like Vienna Austria. Lol. But she didn't pick it because it was a place in Austria.)**


	3. Ebay

**This chapter leads onto a few others. OK to the DIARY we go!!! –runs away into the sunset… runs back- WRONG WAY!!! –charges off to the diary-**

Dear Mr. Diary,

Today I sold Popsicles to people and kids. It was boring so I threw them at the kids. They cried and Edward got mad at me and said, "What are you doing!?"I played innocent, "Nothing." And then he read my mind… So I went inside to play with Alice. And she did my make-up! I looked fabulous! I also got a Mani-padi! It was awesome… until she charged $60. But then this magical leprechaun named Steve sang the taco song. I totally shot him. He was WAY off key. So yeah now Edwards talking to Jasper about selling stuff on E-bay… Or maybe… just maybe… they're plotting to SELL me on E-bay!!!

_Emmett_

* * *

"EDWARD!" I yelled, "PLEASE DON'T SELL ME ON E-BAY!"

Edward stared at me, "What are you talking about?"

"I heard you and Jasper plotting to sell me on E-bay, stuff me in box and mail me to Canada!" I said.

Jasper looked at Edward and said, "I _told_ you he would hear us!" Edwards face went rigid.

I looked at them, "Edward… Why would you?" I was shocked then I realized why, "OMG! IS THIS SO YOU CAN CHEAT ON MY DIARY WHILE I'M GONE!?"

Edward yelled, "What!?" He looked at me like I was stupid. Pft. He's the stupid one. Sir Stupid! "Why would I date a diary? I'm engaged to Bella. And once again, _why _would I date a diary?"

Jasper laughed, shook his head, and walked away smiling to himself. Then Alice barged in, "Emmett! I found a…" she stopped, "Never mind" She walked away rubbing her hands together.

Then a minute later she screamed, "COCKROACH!"

I screamed too, "AH! BUGS! EDWARD SAVE ME!" I jumped into his arms.

"Emmett" he said, "You're really… heavy." And he dropped me on the bug… it died.

"MY HERO!" I yelled. I got on one knee, "Will you marry me?"

Edward gave me a weird look and backed away towards the door. Then Rosalie came charging in and grabbed my ear and dragged me to our room. She then gave me a 6 hour lecture on how I'm _married_ to _her_. Ch'yea, she wishes

**You'll understand the bug thing later.**

**So anyways! How did you like it?**

**REVIEW! You know you wanna push that button and give me a great review on how much you love my story!**


	4. Christmas Misshaps

**Off to next chapter. Bring it on… Oh Christmas Alice! Oh Christmas Alice!**

Dear Mr. Diary,

So I had this WICKED idea. Well it's close to Christmas right? And we don't have a tree… so I was thinking we use… ALICE! Anyways well I didn't do anything stupid today. Unless putting your hand in a toaster while its making Bella's toast… I got "burnt" and Rosalie yelled at me. She never shuts up. Well that's all.

_Emmett_

* * *

"ALICE!" I shouted, I looked under the couch. Then I pulled the cover thingy off the table and looked underneath it. Alice looked at me from her evil spy layer then yelled, "What!?"

"Can we use you as a Christmas tree?"

"_What_!?"

"CAN WE USE YOU-"

"NO WAY!"

"But we needed one!" I said.

She frowned, "Use Edward."

"BRILLIANT!" I yelled, running off. "EDWARD!"

"WHAT!" he was sitting on the couch in his room. He looked at me with wide eyes, "No way Emmett."

I frowned, "AW! PLEASE!"

"NO!"

"I swear I wont hit you with a stick screaming 'PINANTA!' while I inflicted pain."

"NO! Last year was enough. Not again."

"FINE!" I yelled and stormed out of the room. I ran to my car and went to Bella's house.

I knocked on the door, "Charlie!" I said when he opened the door.

"Yes?" He looked curious.

"Can I use you as a Christmas tree?"

"Huh?" he said and Bella appeared.

"Emmett go buy one." She said.

"OMC! THAT'S BRILLIANT!" I said as I ran off. Problem solved. I bought one. "Why didn't I think of that?" I asked.

"CAUSE YOU'RE AN IDIOT!" everyone yelled.

"That's probably true…"

"IT IS!" they screamed, "THIS IS WHY YOU'RE AN IDIOT!"

"Am not"

**ha ha this chapter was great. It was such a random spur of ideas. And the diary does randomly come up but I'm not planning on making it talk for a while so don't get your hopes up... Emmett duct taped his mouth shut. **

**In the mean time... I****f you're a...**

**PIRATE WHO DOESN'T DO ANYTHING!  
EXCEPT SIT AT HOME AND LIE AROUND!  
AND IF I ASKED YOU TO DO ANYTHING!  
YOU'D JUST TELL ME, "I DON'T DO ANYTHING!"**

**Then you rock **

**PS- You know who's hot? Sweeny Todd and Edward Scissor hands AND Edward Cullen and Jasper Whitlock.**

**this story lacks brains **


	5. Cardboard and Lamps

Dear Mr. Diary,

Let _me_ tell _you_ something. Don't _ever_ watch T.V with Edward. All he does is complain like, "What are we watching?" and "This is stupid" It's like he's AGAINST Sesame Street! And Barney… Gosh but with Alice, you can't HEAR the T.V over her mindless chatter. And Jasper kicked my butt for the remote… twice… And Rosalie, all she does is paint her nails or play with my awesome hair! So I yanked her hair, and she got all mad and Rosalish. They are NO fun.

_Emmett_

* * *

"ALICE! SHUT UP!" I shouted, "Cant you _ever _shut your fat mouth for _five_ minutes!?"

She gave me the puppy pout then shouted, "NO I CAN'T NOT SHUT UP!"

"ALICE!" I screamed. I picked up the new 6000 dollar lamp that we bought of ebay for Esme and threw it at Alice. I missed… it broke… well it would have even if I hit her…

And Edward tried to choke me… Then he remembered we don't breathe. He stalked out of the room and came back with a HUGE cardboard box. He pointed to it, "Get in." he demanded.

"NO! NOT THE BOX!" I screamed, "NOT CANADA!" I ran in circles screaming like a girl, "NO! NO! NO! NOT CANADA!"

And Edward grabbed my shirts collar and stuffed me into THE BOX.

He duct taped and super glued it shut.

"NO! CARDBOARD! MY ONE TRUE WEAKNESS!" I screamed. Then I was picked up… well I felt the box moving around really fast.

I heard Alice laugh and say, "IM OPEN! IM OPEN!" then Jasper, "ALICE! Throw it over here!"

I realized, "NO!" I screamed, "STOP PLAYING CATCH!" I went into the fetal position and sucked my thumb. Then I heard Rosalie scream, "WHERE'S EMMETT!?"

I seized the opportunity, "IN HERE!" I started moving and the box shook. I heard Rose start talking, "For real!? You put him in a box!?"

"Yup" Alice said.

"OMC! Thank you! THANK YOU!" Rosalie cheered.

I was sad, "TRAITOR! YOU JUST WENT TO THE DARK SIDE!" I yelled.

Rose laughed and yelled, "YEAH WELL! _THEY_ HAVE COOKIES!"

"_YOU_ CAN'T EAT COOKIES!"

"Oh yea…"

Then the box was opened very violently and Esme's livid face was in mine, "YOU'RE GROUNDED FOR A YEAR!" she screeched.

"But! But!" I said.

"FINE! A week!" then she moved and I climbed out, shaking and twitching, "So dark… so, so dark…" I said.

Then yelled, "DAMN YOU CARDBOARD BOX MAKERS! DAMN YOU!" and everyone stared at me.

**Yay cardboard weaknesses!**


	6. Tents and Drunks

Dear Mr. Diary,

So today… I got Bella drunk. And she still is... This means, Jasper's drunk too… emotions… How they amuse me. I dunno. But yeah I'm hiding from Edward. And I can only hide for so long… so on with my life. I think I'm losing my PIZZAZ! Yes, it's quite sad… my poor pizzaz. Alice says I'm losing my hyperness which isn't good… I guess Edwards stopped slipping me pills… I MEAN! –Cough-cough- you didn't hear that! Or you did… I don't know Mr. Diary… you're like… My best friend.

_Emmett_

**Emmett mostly stood and watched in this chapter. Please review.**

* * *

"Um Emmett…" Alice said.

"Yes?" I answered.

"Why are we hiding in a tent again?"

"BECAUSE! We're hiding from Edward! He'll never look here!"

"Rightttt…" She said sarcastically, but I was to dumb to know that.

We sat there… chillin… waiting for Edward… or some other idiot. And Alice was sitting there staring at me… confusion sweeping cross her face, "Emmett?" she said softly.

"What?" I said.

"Edward sees the tent… and I think you might wanna hide." She said, sweeping her jet black hair out of her eyes.

"CRAP! HE HAS FOUND US!" I screamed. She stood up and ran.

The tent flipped when I ran out, following Alice. Edward was right there. He ran after us all the way home and tackled me when I got to the door. And I went flipping threw the frame. Bella was sitting on the couch, giggling to herself. And Jasper was next to her, biting his lip and giggling like an idiot. Edward crouched and snarled at me and Bella turned to Jasper to play, slide. "EDWARD!" I shouted. He snarled again and said, "What did you do this for!?"

"Well um… I was really… well you know… bored and its fun to make Jasper also drunkish… just enjoy the moment Edward, Chillax."

Edward thought for a moment then smiled and then said, "Good point."

Then there was a "THUNK!" as Bella hit Jasper's forehead trying to play slide, but missed his hand. Jasper fell back, he had to be drunk because that wouldn't have and SHOULDN'T have happened. Then Bella stood up and walked… well, more like stumbled to Edward, tripped and he caught her. She giggled and said, "You know… I wanted to be something stupid, something silly, something that no one thinks exist, something that makes no sense… I want to be a VAMPIRE-SLASH-UNICORN!" She said, then peed herself, laughing and Edward frowned, and passed Bella to Alice who laughed.

"Um" I said, "I'm just gonna walk away because I don't wanna be killed…" Jasper stood up and stumbled to me, put his hand on my shoulder and said, "A lemon earned is a pickle eaten." And he laughed to himself. He sounded retarded, and Alice fell to the ground laughing, and Bella stood there and said, "I feel ya, dude, I feel ya." Then giggled, "Wait, no… I… I don't feel you… you're like across the room, so I cant." Then she giggled again.

Alice stood up and picked up Bella, running her upstairs. I couldn't help but burst out laughing. Drool was running down my face and Rosalie walked in and hit me with a shoe. "Stop it" she said, frowning.

Then Alice came back with Bella… who was chewing on her new cell phone.

"Um Bella?" Edward asked.

"Yeps?" she said stupidly.

"What are you doing?"

"Chewing on the phone…" she giggled and her face turned reddish green.

"You shouldn't be doing that Bella." Edward said, putting his hand out.

She stared at it, "Why?"

"Because you're gonna ruin it. Hand it over." He said, trying to fight the smile, and hold back a laugh.

She frowned and handed him the phone, he walked out of the room, "GOOD BYE PHONE!" she yelled. I laughed again, "This drunk stuff is funny." I laughed, "Can we do it more often?"

"No" Edward called from somewhere over yonder.

"Kill joy," I muttered.

Then Jasper laughed, "Ha-ha! I get it! He kills… he kills joy… I think?" he smiled a stupid grin. Alice frowned and said, "God, I didn't know that Bella would affect him this much."

I nodded and said, "But its funny."

"True" she agreed.

Bella laughed stupidly and said, "Edward… did you know I stuff cats in my bra?"

She pointed to her boobs. Edward frowned, "Bella… I'm gonna take you upstairs… and you're gonna sleep." He scooped her up and I said, "AW! There goes the fun." I crossed my arms. As soon as Bella was out of Jasper's emotional range, he would snap out of it.

"Too bad," Edward said.

Jasper laughed and said, "You scooped her like a freto!" He giggled, "Did you know that mutant pickles will take over the world someday?" he slurred the words, "someday" and "pickles". I laughed and then frowned, "This is not cool."

Edward sighed, "Emmett, you've somehow managed to get two people drunk… and you're saying it sucks to end this 'fun'?"

"Ch'yea"

"Whatever" He ran upstairs and slammed his door. Jasper shook his head, 'What happened? Wasn't I upstairs?" He looked around.

Alice sighed and put her hand on his shoulder, "Long story." She said.

And Jasper looked confused. I just laughed and he looked at me funny.


	7. Sky Dying

**Ok so I know you guys are like "Edward wouldn't let Bella get drunk" but Edward was gone hunting and then Emmett and Alice got an idea. Get Bella drunk. So that's that. And I'm making the story my way so stop telling me to stop using alcohol and drugs and Edward wouldn't do that. Because they can and will and he does. You know who you are. Thanks to everyone else who likes it. AND it's my story, it flows my creative way. If you don't like it, drop dead. **

Dear Mr. Diary,

You know… I think this whole… I dunno… "Bella's not a vampire so don't do anything stupid with her because she could get hurt or die and then Edward would kill me" thing isn't going so crispy. It's _so_ boring watching her doing boring human things. I think I'll push her off a cliff….

_Emmett_

**Lol. Please review.**

* * *

"Edward," I said in a sing songy voice while skipping into the living room.

"What?" he asked, reading the paper for no reason, "It's not like I just read your mind and discovered that you're plotting to push Bella off a cliff." He looked at me and frowned, "No you cant."

I did the puppy pout and Edward said, "Emmett if you EVER make that face again I will sell you to Japan as a slave" he was looking over the paper again.

"PSH! FINE!" I yelled, throwing my arms into the air, "We'll go sky dying!"

Edward threw the paper at me, "It's sky DIVING and no she's not doing that either unless I get to go… I've always wanted to try that…"

I grinned, "Really?"

He shrugged, "A bit, yeah."

"Awesome!" I said, "But let's tell her the day before we go!"

"Okay!"

---Three days and a day before they sky dive later…

"HEY! BELLA!" I shouted while standing right behind her.

She turned and looked at me, wincing, "I'm right here, you didn't have to yell."

"Well whatever, but we're, as in me, you, and Eddie, are going sky diving tomorrow!" Bella opened her mouth to protest but I cut her off, "Eddie is making you if you say no"

"WHAT!?" she screeched.

"Talk about me screaming." I mumbled.

Edward appeared, "It's true Bella. I've always wanted to try sky diving." He smiled.

"Edward" she said in a small voice, "If you love me you wont do this to me"

He smiled, and I spoke, "There's no getting out of it. Me and Eddie-"

"STOP CALLING ME EDDIE!" Edward yelled.

"OK! OK!" I said, "Anyways Edward will make you go" I finished.

Edward nodded, "Yep" he said.

Bella almost cried, "But! But! Charlie!" she said.

Alice appeared, "I told him we're going on a two day road trip." She paused, "I'm going too and so is Jazz."

"Ugh" Bella groaned.

But that was that.


	8. Jasper's Adventure

Dear Mr. Diary,

I have to go to a store with Bella, Jasper, and Edward. Bella's shopping for some little kid that popped out of her mom a few months ago… or the adopted one… I dunno. Anyways… I gotta go.

_Emmett_

* * *

"Emmett" Bella said, "Don't touch anything." We had arrived at Toys 'R' Us.

"Psh fine" I said. She was still mad about sky diving. We got out of the car and Edward took Bella's hand. Jasper made a gag noise and Edward slapped him upside the head.

"OW!" Jasper said, grinning.

"Oh yeah because that hurt so badly." Edward said, and then mumbled. "Dumb ass."

"Aw! You cussed! Santa's not giving you presents Edward!" I said.

He looked at me and said, "Emmett, Santa's not real."

"GASP!" I shouted.

"Emmett shut up!" Bella said as we walked into the store, "You guys can go your separate ways."

Jasper's eyes were wide and glassy. He walked off and I heard his giggles of glee. So... I decided to follow him and Bella's eyes were wide with horror. So we all followed Jasper, staying away to the point were we could see him but he couldn't see us. I heard him giggling gleefully again as he prowled the isles.

Then there was a high pitched squeal of delight. And all started giggling as we stalked Jasper. Jasper stopped in front of a sign that said, "Guitar Hero 3". We hid and Jasper's eyes darted around, looking for people. He poked the sign and giggled to himself.

"This is the greatest day ever" I whispered. Bella nodded and whispered, "Emmett go buy a recorder, this will be great black mail."

Edward was staring at Jasper, who was staring at the sign like it was god. I ran off at a human speed to the electronics place. I bought a digital camera and a memory card. I shoved the batteries in and then the memory card and turned the recorder on. I ran back to Bella and Edward. Jasper was still staring at the sign and I was recording. Then Jasper moved on, prowling the isles of little girl's dreams.

Jasper plucked a Barbie doll off the shelf and sniffed the box, frowned and threw it aside. He did this for about 5 minutes before he realized they weren't real. He frowned at the dolls. He prowled the store and came across the electronics.

His eyes widened when he saw the I-Pod's. "So, so shiny. Must buy" he mumbled. I zoomed in. He touched the display Ipod and went to the counter. The lady turned and gasped at his "beauty". Edward chuckled as he read Jasper's thoughts.

"Can I help you sir?" She asked.

Jasper nodded and pointed to the I-Pod's, "I want a shiny."

The lady cocked her head to the side and I snickered, "You mean an I-Pod nano?" she asked. Jasper said, "A shiny?"

"Yes. They're called I-Pod nano's." she said.

"I want one."

I looked at Edward, he looked like he was gonna burst out laughing but was holding it in. Bella's face was red.

The lady ducked under the counter and fiddled for a moment. She came back up with a box.

"This will be… 167.67"

Jasper pulled out a 500 dollar bill, handed it to her, took the box from her and walked off, starring at the box in wonder.

I smiled and motioned that we follow Jasper.

I turned the camera on myself, "This is Jasper in Toys 'r' Us. He has no clue we're following him and he's been prowling the isles for about an hour now…" I said.

Bella started cracking up when Jasper asked what an I-Pod nano was and what it did. Edward was trying to hold back his laughter. He looked constipated. Then Jasper was prowling the isles again, grinning and giggling. The parents were staring at the boy who looked 18. **(A/n sounds kinda like, "The boy who lived" but instead its "The boy who looked 18" I'm cracking up in my** **mind****)**

Finally a security person told Jasper he was scaring children and parents. Also that he looked really suspicious. So they kicked him out. Edward started laughing when Jasper started to pout to the security guard. Bella was doubled over, clutching her sides, laughing. I flipped my phone out and called Jasper.

He answered, "Hello?" he didn't know who this was.

I made creepy breathing sounds and said in a breathy voice, "I have your wife" and then hung up. Jasper dropped the unopened box with the I-Pod inside and ran off at human speed to the door screaming, "ALICE!!"

Bella said, "Never again." She giggled, "Unless we have everyone else." As we left, she picked up the box. "I always wanted one of these..."

**Yea lots of descriptions. But whatever. I followed this old dude in Kroger's and I couldn't stop laughing and he didn't even know I was there.**


	9. Jasper's Revenge

**Jasper's writing into Emmett's diary. **

Dear Emmett's dairy,

So I went to Toy's R Us yesterday with Edward, Emmett, and Bella and they record my every move. So I'm planing revenge. It will be fun. I have Edwards in mind already...

_Jasper Whitlock _

_----------------------------_

"JASPER!" Emmet shouted, shocked, "WHY ARE YOU WRITING IN MY DIARY!? IS HE CHEATING WITH YOU _AND_EDWARD _AND_ ME!?"

I was surprised, "Um no, I'm plotting revenge."

Emmett's face went blank then he grinned evilly, "Edward?"

"Yep, on Edward." And you. I added mentally.

"Whats the plan Jazz?" he asked.

"Well I was thinking we..." I quickly explained and Emmett "Ohhed" and "Ahhed".

About 5 minutes later we snuck down the stairs ready to attack Edward like, RAWR! But the plan was great.

We blocked our thoughts and ran into the living room were Edward was chattering with Alice, who burst out laughing when she saw the hula hoops.

"Why do you two have hula hoops?" Edward asked. We grinned, and Emmett spoke, "Becauseeeee" he dragged the word.

Alice ran out of the room laughing like a maniac and Edward stood up, "What's so funny?"

"Can't you read minds Eddie-poo?" I teased.

"It's kinda hard when three of you are blocking your thoughts." He said.

"GET HIM!" I yelled. Emmett and I charged towards Edward. Edwards eyes widened in horror as he realized what we were up to.

Emmett got behind him and gave him an atomic wedgie and I beat him with plastic hula hoops.

"WHAT THE FU-" Edward yelled.

We screamed like little girls and ran like hell. We looked back to see Edward picking his wedgie out and wincing in pain. We laughed like idiots.

Then it was time for Emmett's. I had to call Bella.

-------------------------

Emm. POV

Dear Mr. Diary,

So we just go revenge on Edward with hula hoops and atomic wedgies. Edward went all pro wrestler (Like Sting) and beat us with metal chairs. So I'm in pain. And now Jasper's in his room whispering to Bella. Edward had to go buy new chairs. He's not back... yet.

_Emmett_

I skipped out of my room and into Jasper's. Whatever he was telling Bella, he stopped abruptly. Bella was giggling and staring at me with glee filled eyes. I screamed like a little girl whose Barbie doll just got blown up, pointed at the two and ran.

-------------------

Bella POV

Jasper had an amazing plan for revenge on Emmett. But I only heard half. Because Emmett barged in, screamed and ran.

Jasper looked at me, shrugged and continued talking.

"OK, so we're gonna need..." He explained what we needed and I fell off the bed laughing.

"He's afraid of... of... THOSE!?" I said, laughing. Jasper calmed me down.

"Yep. I'm gonna get the..." he smiled, "And you get the..."

I nodded, "OK" I said.

-------------------

Jazz POV

Ten minutes later we were ready as can be.

I had filled the bath tub with rubber ducks and Bella had covered all of Emmett's things - car included- in car board.

"EMMETT!" I screamed from the bathroom.

Emmett came racing in, gasped, and turned to run but I pushed him into the tub.

"NO! NO! NO! JASPER DON'T LET THE RUBBER DUCKIES EAT ME! PLEASE I'M BEGGING YOU!" Emmett screamed. I laughed and ran into Emmett's room and he quickly followed.

"CARDBOARD!" he screamed, clutching his face in horror, "YOU _ARE_ MAILING ME TO JAPAN TO BE A SLAVE! NO!" He screeched. He ran downstairs to get to his car. He screamed when he found more cardboard, "YOU'RE MAILING MY CAR TOO!?"

"Maybe" I said, grinning.

Emmett sank to his knees, "FINE! I'LL GIVE YOU THE CAMERA!" He threw the camera at me and I caught it, "Thank you. Now I'll save your room... and car... From Japan?"

Emmett ran out of the house, "Call me when it's fixed!" he yelled.

Bella walked in and said, "You know, we could have just burned his diary."

**Oh the joys maple syrup can bring a pancake.**

**Press review. Make me famous by making my story your favorite story... or Die!**


	10. Broken Window

**Um yea I don't know what to write about so I'll make it up as I go. Sounds good right? Yea it does 'cause it's coming from me.**

Dear Mr. Diary,

Ch'yea so I broke that huge glass window thing in Edwards room. He tried to kill me so I ran away. I'm actually in my room, but a princess can pretend... right? Yea Esme's throwing a fit about how it took forever to get that put up. Well we have forever right? So whats the big deal? I dunno. I gotta go.

_Emmett_

* * *

"Emmett" Edward said, "How did you manage to break that?" He was attempting calm.

"Um. Well I was throwing... um... well... I kicked it on accident. I saw a bug and it ran to the glass thingy..." I said.

He sighed, "Well your paying for it."

"I don't have money." I said.

"Well then get a job you lazy bum."

"Hey! I'm not a bum! OK maybe just a little... besides Carlisle has money." I said.

"No Carlisle does not have money. Well, at least not for you he doesn't." He said, "But everyone else can spend his money."

"Well this sucks." I frowned, "I'll use Bella's college money!" Before Edward could even reply I was out the door.

I knocked on Bella's door, she answered.

"No, Emmett. You can not use my college fund to fix a broken window." She said.

"OMG! YOU CAN READ MINDS!?" I screamed.

"No" she said, annoyed I bet, "Edward and Alice, and Jasper, and Esme, AND Rosalie all called." She said, satisfied, then added, "Carlisle doesn't care." She giggled.

"BUT! BUT!" I said. She slammed the door in my face. I decided to got talk Carlisle into letting me use his money.

"It's not gonna work."

I turned and Edward was leaning against a tree, arms crossed, and a smug smile on his face.

He pushed off the tree and walked forward, arms still crossed, and still smiling at me.

"You have to pay for it. Didn't 'Santa' give you money this Christmas?" He said, laughing.

"You bet. And I spent it all on a PS2 and about 60 games." I said proudly, then added, "AND I can count to 10"

He shook his head sadly, "Let's hear it."

"Um... not right... not um..." I said.

"Because you can't" He said smugly, then he was gone.

"DAMN YOU NONE LEARN HOW TO COUNT TO 10 GAMES!" I yelled. Then Bella's door opened.

"EMMETT! SHUT UP AND GO HOME OR GET A LIFE" Bella shouted.

"FINE!" I shouted back, "Wait, how much does a life cost?"

"Ugh" Bella rolled her eyes and slammed the door. I ran to the door and pounded on it. "BELLA! YOU FORGOT TO TELL ME SO I COULD BUY ONE WITH THE 4000 DOLLARS THAT I HAVE LEFT THAT I'M SUPPOSED TO BUY EDWARD'S NEW WINDOW THING WITH!" I screamed. No answer. So I decided to just buy the dumb window thingy and get it over with.

Edward was happy because I 'learned a lesson' but I didn't learn anything. Except windows are expensive... then Edward steals the rest of the money after you pay for the window... Damn.

**Press review and I'll give you 10$ **

**Tell me you love me. I mean... my story!**


	11. Dora the Explorer

Dear Mr. Diary,

I have no clue what's going on... in fact I never do! YAY! So I have some... stuff? to do. So I'm gonna go walk around... a bookstore!

_Emmett_

* * *

"EDWARD!" I screamed.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW!?" He screamed back. When I walked into the room he had a metal chair held high above his head.

"Ummm..." I said.

"If it's stupid I will hit you with this metal chair!" He said.

"I'm going to the bookstore! Wanna go?" I said, knowing I was gonna get hit with the chair. Edward put the chair down and said, "Ok. I need some books anyways."

---At the BOOKSTORE (of doom)

"Edward?" I asked.

"The precious" He said stroking the new "Dora the Explorer" book.

"EDWARD!" I shouted.

"WHAT!" He screamed back. The people in the bookstore (of doom) stared at us.

"Why are you stroking the Dora the Explorer book? And calling it 'My Precious'. And yet you tell me I have issues reading Barney and stuff." I said.

"Well um... she's all explorer and stuff and she travels around then gets attacked by a fox named Swiper! And you never know if they get their stuff back!" He said.

"Um... right" I said. Then some random fangirl ran up with a Twilight book (I'm in a book! I'm FAMOUS!) and screamed, "BITE ME!"

And I was like, "Psh! Ch'yea right! I'm not turning _you_ into a Vampire!" then was like, "OH NO! I HAVE EXPOSED US!! NO!!!!" She started crying, so i hit her upside the head with the book... really hard. Mean while, Edward was singing Dora the Explorers theme song.

I picked up after the first line, and Edward was singing "I know that we can do it! Come on let's go get to it!" God this proves he's a hypocrite. I smiled, and said, "Edward, I think I killed a random rabid fan girl."

He shrugged and kept singing.

"I'm leaving! This is too much for me! I QUIT!" I said, walking toward the door. The director was like, "No! No! You can't leave! you're the STAR!"

"So! This is too much! Random singing and danc- WAIT! YOU'VE BEEN SECRETLY FOLLOWING US AND FILMING IT!? GASP!" I said**.**

"Um... yea... kinda. DON'T SUE! GOODBYE!" then he was gone. I shrugged. Publicity.

Edward giggled and said, "Swiper no swiping! Swiper no swiping!"

"Edward why are you saying that?" I asked.

"It says to say it with Dora! Or Swiper can't be stopped! Then he swipes-" I started inching to the door while he continued his rant.

---At home

"OMG Alice you should have heard Edward's rant about Dora the Explorer. It was horrible." I told her.

Alice giggled, "Yea I saw it in my vison. You inching to the door had me on the floor laughing so hard. AND he's still ranting." she laughed hysterically.

Well that sums up this morning...

---In Kroger's

"Bella... why do you shop here? They sell food." I said, curious.

"Well gee I wonder why Emmett. I mean it's not like I'm still human and NEED to eat or I'll die of starvation" She said.

Edward laughed.

"Ch'yea you could lose the weight." I said.

Edward smacked me and Bella said, "Emmett I'm gonna let that one slide but next time I WILL have Edward kick your ass. Even if we're in a store or out in public."

It was stupid, "Well you are fat..." I mumbled.

Edward grabbed my hair and dragged me out of the store, leaving Bella behind, smirking.

"YOU"LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!" I screamed as he dragged me to the exit.

"I just did." He said. We were outside and Edward smacked me and I giggled, "You slap like a girlie girl."

"Right. At least _I_ don't use steroids." He said.

"I don't... usually... and at least I'm not obsessed with Dora the Explorer." I said.

"Take that back." He said, crouching.

"Nope. Dora can die." I said.

He attacked me.

"GET OFF AND I'LL BUY YOU TICKETS TO SEE DORA LIVE!" I shouted. He stopped, "OK!" he said.

We went back inside grabbed Bella and went to a different store. We got kicked out for being "Idiots" Ch'yea right.

**Hit review and I'll give you... Wait, I'll sing the pirates who don't do anything song again!  
HA! NOW YOU HAVE TO HIT REVIEW BECAUSE YOU CAN'T RESIST THAT SONG!**

**Please hit review. That would just so happen to be the purple button to the left at the bottom of the screen. Thank you for shopping at Kroger's.**


	12. Christmas

**Emmett's Christmas story. And Emmett meets gansta God. **

Dear Mr. Diary,

Tomorrows Christmas. I hid Bella's present that was from Edward. I took of the tag and put, To: Alice, From: Edward, because it's a ring. I added a note saying "Here's your f-ing ring" I wrote it myself. Well that's all.

_Emmett_

* * *

"IT'S CHRISTMAS! SANTA CAME! SANTA CAME!" I screamed running down the stairs.

Alice was staring at Edward, "What's this?" she said.

"OMFG! You found Bella's Christmas present! I LOVE YOU! -as a sister and nothing more," Edward said.

"PRESENTS!" I screamed. I grabbed the one labeled, Emmett. I ripped off the paper and I screamed in glee. I got a Nintendo wii!

"Wait... what's a ninetando why?" I said, reading the box. Edward said, "It's Nintendo wii. It's a game system."

"Ohhh." I said.

"Edward here!" Alice said, handing him a badly rapped package. Edward said, "Who's it from?"

No one answered so I said, "Santa Claus! YAY!" Edward stared at me and then opened his present, it was coal.

"WTF!? I WAS GOOD! I WANTED THAT GOD DAMN DORA COLORING BOOK! DAMN YOU FAT BIT-" Edward yelled.

Alice held a box out to Esme, "Here." Alice said. Esme took the box. She ripped off the wrapping paper super fast, "WINDEX! IT'S WHAT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED!" she said.

"Rose..." Alice said, tossing Rosalie a box. She caught it and opened it. "Wow" She said. It was a diamond necklace. Big deal. Santa liked me better.

"Carlisle..." Alice said. Carlisle took his box. "GASP! The book of unsolvable doctor mysteries that I must solve! HURRAY!" he said.

"Um and then there's mine..." Alice said, opening a box. There was a ring, but not the one I stole, a different one. Alice let out a small gasp. "Jasper?" She asked. Jasper smiled and nodded. "No way" I said, "It's from Santa Claus."

"Jasper" Alice said, "Here's your present." She held out a wrapped box, and Jasper took it.

"Emo Elmo?" he said, "OMG! IT IS! THANK YOU SANTA!!" Stupid Emo kids.

"Well I have to go to Bella's" Edward said.

"Good get out." We all said. He had been naughty.

---1 week and a half a bottle of used windex later...

"Emmett," A voice called. "Emmett!"

"Were you at, foo." I said.

The voice said, "I be hur in dis can erv windex" (I'm in this here can of windex).

"God? God!? Is that you God?" I asked, walking towards the light/can of windex.

"Yers it be me up in this can righ her." (yes its me in this can of windex right here)

"OMG! ITS! ITS! ITS GOD!" I shouted.

"Shhh!!!" God said, "I came ter tell yo that yo need to be not so durmb" (I came to tell you that you need to not be so dumb)

"Ok. Now get out of Esme's windex." I said.

"No!" said God. Then Esme walked in, picked up the windex and sprayed the windows.

"AHH! YOU FOOLISH LADY!!!" God screamed, "CURSE YOU TO HELL!" then God was gone.

Esme looked at the bottle and said, "Weird."

**You know you wanna push that SEXY button that says review, because you love me/my story.**


	13. I Can Fly

Dear Mr. Diary,

Have you ever wondered if you could fly? I have. So I'm going to La Push to jump off the cliff that Bella jumped off when she was "cliff diving" more like suicide diving. I hope you know who doesn't see this. But whatever. To La Push to see if I can fly!!

_Emmett_

* * *

"I'M GOING TO LA PUSH TO SEE IF I CAN FLY!" I screamed.

Esme yelled back, "OK SWEETIE! BE BACK BY FOUR PM! AND DON'T FORGET YOUR LUNCH!"

"OK!" I went to leave but then remembered! "WAIT! I DON'T EAT LUNCH MOMMY!" I shouted back.

"OH THAT'S RIGHT WE'RE VAMPIRES! WELL HAVE FUN!" She called.

"OK! BY MOMMY!" I shouted as I got into my cardboard box free jeep.

---1 second later at La Push

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE BLOODSUCKER!?" Jacob Annoying (or was it Black?) yelled when he saw me at the cliffs.

"I'm jumping off this cliff to see if I can fly." I said simply.

"YOU'VE CROSSED THE LINE!" Jacob shouted.

I shrugged, "You do to. Going to 'protect' Bella. More like SPY!" I said.

He blushed, "FINE! I'll let this one slide..." then he frowned, "Sam wouldn't but that's why we ganged up on him and killed him. He was annoying. We killed Emily too." He said... to himself?

"OK well while you talk to yourself I'm gonna fly." I said.

"OK you do that." He muttered.

I jumper off the cliff and flapped my arms. I plummeted down to the water, "NO! DAMMIT! FLY!!! WHY CAN'T I FLY!?" I screamed. I hit the water. "NO! WATER! MY 3 WEAKNESS BESIDES RUBBER DUCKS AND CARDBOARD!!" Jacob's head appeared at the top of the cliff. He watch and laughed at me while I puppy paddled to the beach.

"That was super funny." Jacob said.

"Shut up." I muttered.

"Besides didn't you know people/vampires/werewolves can't fly?" He said.

"Well yes but I'm Emmett, the AWESOME, the BRAVE, the FIERCE, the DUDE WHO'S NOT AFRAID OF ANYTHING... except cardboard, water, and rubber duckies. Other than that, we're cool." I threw up the deuces.

Jacob walked away laughing, "Get lost." He said.

"How?" I said.

"Get in your car, drive home and hide in Edward's closet." He said, staring at me like I was stupid.

"Ok!" I said. I ran to my jeep, go in, drove home, and hid in Edward's closet. When Edward opened the closet door he jumped back, pointed and screamed like a little girl who just dropped her Barbie doll into the grill.

"AHHH!!!!" his girlie scream made me laugh.

"Wow Edward." I said.

"Oh! It's you!" he said.

"Yea" I said.

"I thought you were that evil Leprechaun named Alice from chapter 2!" Edward said.

"Um OK?" I said, "Hey let's go bother Bella!"

"OK!" he yelled. He pulled me out of the closet and put me over his shoulders and ran.

"BELLA!" He screamed when we got downstairs. There was a "EK!" sound and a splash.

"EDWARD!" Bella yelled furious, "YOU MADE ME FALL INTO THE TOILET!" She was mad.

Edward went to the door and said, "My bad. I'll get Alice right on it..." He ran upstairs. THE END.

_From Emmett's wonderful story book of stories._

**Just kidding. I couldn't end D.M.D if I tried. So yep.**

**Trick or treat, hit review. Gimmie something good to read. If you don't I will care. I rip off your wig inside the store.  
haha! just hit review ;)**


	14. Dress Up

Dear Mr. Diary,

So I've officially decided that I CAN'T fly... yet. And Yesterday Alice had to get Bella out of the toilet because we scared her by yelling her name and she fell in. It was so funny. Yea I'm bored so I'm gonna wreak havoc on Jasper's manliness.

_Emmett_

* * *

"Is Jasper here?" I asked Esme.

"Yep but we're getting ready to go hunting with Edward, Carlisle, and Rose." she smiled, "They're waiting outside for Jasper and I."

"Oh. Ok good." I said. Esme hugged me and kissed my forehead, "Be good Emmie-cakes while mommies gone. Maybe I'll bring you a present." she said.

"OK!" I said.

---

"I want in Emmett." Alice said.

"Fine." I said.

"YAY!" she smiled, "We should get to work while every ones gone!"

"Ok" I agreed.

We went to Jasper's closet and took out all of his emo and scene clothes, replacing them with pink frilly tutu's. We replaced his Van's and Converse shoes with ballet slippers and lots of other gay shoes. And demolished his make-up section.

We decided to change his sheets (that we don't use) to pink and his curtains too. That was all his manliness gone down the drain. Alice took his shoes and clothes and hid them in her secret trap hole in the floor that she built to do... well who knows. I took his old sheets, make-up, and curtains and followed Alice.

"Damn Alice whats in there?" I asked.

She grinned, "My evil plans to well... I dunno." she frowned.

"Um... Ok" I said.

"SHOOT!" She said.

"What?"

"They're coming home! They were supposed to go farther out the the park!" She said.

"The park?" I asked.

"Yeah. The woods and all that Jazz. We better high tail it." She said.

I heard the front door open and mindless chatter from everyone. We ran to our rooms and waited for Jasper's explosion.

About three minutes later he exploded, "WHAT HAPPENED TO MY ROOM!? MY PERFECT GORGEOUS ROOM! IT'S PINK! EMMETT! ALICE!!!" I heard the closet door slide open, "NO! NO! NO! NOT TUTU'S! MY WEAKNESS! AND BALLET SLIPPERS! NO! I'M MELTING! MELTING!" I could only imagine him sliding to the floor.

Alice appeared and motion for me to come. I followed to Jasper's room. We started giggling. "This isn't funny you two!" Jasper growled.

"Calm down Jazzy it was my plan I made Emmett help." Alice said. Smart she knew he wouldn't kill her. She saved my skin.

"Fine. You get to fix it Alice, Emmett." He said, from the floor.

Alice and I shrugged, "We'll get around to it... eventually."

He punched the wall, "NO, DAMMIT NOW!"

"OK, OK Jazz don't have a seziour or get your thong in a knit." Alice said.

Jasper got up and walked out of the room. As soon as he was gone we were cracking up laughing. We did high fives then Alice said, "Ok, let's put his room back."

---

30 minutes and a fixed room for Jazzy later

"Ugh. I'm bored." Alice complained, "When's Bella coming over?" she asked Edward.

"In about thirty minutes or so." he smirked, "Dress up?"

Alice nodded, "Yep."

I laughed, "Wait till she's the vampire. She'll probably dress_ you _up instead. In fact I'll give her the idea." I said. Alice's face went blank, "Damn it Emmett. You're friggin right."

"Of course I am." I said, grinning.

Jasper walked down the stairs caring tutu's and ballet slippers, "I know just what to dress Bella in." he said, and then dropped the ballet stuff onto the couch. We all grinned at the idea.

Then the door bell rang. Our heads turned, still grinning, towards the door.

Alice ran to the door and opened it, "Bella," she sang.

"Oh god! EDWARD!" Bella shrieked. Alice shook her head, grinning, grabbed Bella's wrist and dragged her upstairs.

---

10 minutes later.

"I AM NOT GOING DOWNSTAIRS ALICE!" Bella screamed.

"I can make you." Alice said calmly.

"WAIT TILL I'M THE VAMPIRE! YOU'LL BE MY DRESS UP DOLL! I SWEAR ON IT!" Bella shouted.

"Whatever," Alice said.

"NO! PUT ME DOWN!" Bella screamed.

Then she was in the living room, her face bright, bright red.

We burst out laughing at her.

She was wearing a tutu, ballet slippers and pink make-up.

We applauded, "WOO! TAKE IT OFF!" I screamed.

Edward glared at me and Bella's face turned redder.

**:D**


	15. Dish Soapy Goodness

Dear Mr. Diary,

I've learned to never mess with Edward. He gets all mad and "GR" then goes on a 'break everything in the house that's not mine' rampage. Then I get blamed. And Alice laughs at me. But I plot revenge! Kinda... Well my plans are revenge, revenge, and revenge! Yay! Well I've gotta scram. I've got revenge to do...

_Emmett_

* * *

"Edward?" I asked.

"Yesums?" He said.

"Were's the dish soap?" I started blocking my thoughts.

"Why may I ask, do you need dish soap?" He was puzzled.

"Um..." I started playing with my hair, "Because I do..."

"Mhm. It's in the kitchen." He said, "Do need directions to the kitchen too?"

"Yes please!" I said.

"Ok hold on." Edward had magically made a piece of paper and a pen appear and started writing. He handed me the paper.

I read it carefully.

"How to get to the kitchen. By Edward Cullen.

First walk out the front door in a bikini."

I went upstairs and put on Rosalie's new bikini and walked out the door.

"Second take a left down stupid lane"

I walked into town. "Excuse me?" I said to an old lady.

"Yes sonny?" She said.

"Were's stupid lane?"

"Over there." She pointed to the left of a bar.

"OK thanks lady!" I said running off.

I found Stupid Lane and took a left down it, reading the next direction.

"Third find the talking TV"

I looked around, there was a TV in the window. It was talking. "I've found the third clue!" I said, excited.

I quickly read the 4th one, about to discover the dish soap.

"And forth you're an idiot for listening to this."

"NO!!!" I screamed. It was a trap!

----------------------

I ran home and into the kitchen. I grabbed the dish soap and went to Edward's room. He had already left for Bella's house. I poured the soap over everything and ran to get the hose.

I soaked the room so it was all bubbly.

As I was spraying the second corner of the room (I'd already soaked the bed corner and was working on the glass window corner) when the door opened and Edward and Bella walked in.

"WHAT'S GOING ON!?" Edward shouted when he saw the mess and me standing in Rosalie's new bikini soaking his room.

"Um... I found the soap... and the hose... and Rose's bikini." I said.

Bella laughed and ran, jumping into the bubbles and I sprayed her with the hose.

"BUBBLE PARTY IN EDWARD'S ROOM!" We shouted together. Alice appeared in a bikini with Jasper in swim trunks. "EMMETT!" I heard Rose yell. "Have you seen my new bik-" She stared at me then screamed, "EMMETT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY NEW BIKINI!?" I shrugged, "Edward said I could wear it." I handed her the note. She read it and attacked Edward. Esme and Carlisle appeared with towels, sunglasses, and a stereo, "Is this the party?" They asked in unison.

"YEP!" We all yelled, except Rosalie and Edward. Rosalie came over to me and ripped the bikini off, "I'll take that." She handed me shorts. Thank god I was covered in bubbles. Edward sighed, "What the heck" He took off his shirt and grabbed shorts, disappeared and was back in a flash.

"Ok! Let's party!" He said. Carlisle plugged the stereo in, but not in Edward's room, in the spare room next door, and cranked up the volume.  
The revenge became a party! YAY! I didn't get killed by Edward! Yet!

**Yep that's my idea of a vampire party, thanks to Bella and Emmett's stupidity. Bella can't resist bubbly goodness and Emmett was born stupid. **

**REVIEW MY STORY!!!**


	16. Drunk Again

**Ok so I had fun getting off track with the last chapter...**

Dear Mr. Diary,

I dunno why girl's fantasize over boys they'll never meet. Like this morning, Bella was watching High School Musical (I'm surprised Mike wasn't in the movie) and she's drooling over this ugly guy who's name was like Zac or something. It was funny because Edward chucked the remote at the T.V and broke it. He owes Esme a new flat screen T.V (80in). But yea. I've got things to break, people to laugh at, objects to drool over and who knows what else.

_Emmett_

* * *

"Jasper" I sang, skipping down the hall, "Jasperrrrr"

"Whatttt" He sang back.

"Let's give Bella beer because Edward's gone hunting and Esme and Carlisle are in Vegas." I said.

"OK!" He said. He liked being drunk too.

---

"Here you go Bella." I said, handing her a bottle of beer.

"Is this beer?" She said, taking it.

"Yep." Jasper said.

"OK!" Bella smiled, and chugged the bottle in a second.

"Damn Bella." We all said.

"Next!" She said. I grinned at Jasper and he grinned back.

---6 hours and a very drunk Bella and Jasper later

"CRAP!" Alice said suddenly, "Edward's coming!"

"What do we do!?" Rosalie said, actually seeming frantic.

"Um. Um. Um?" I said. "Bella and Jasper stop being drunk!"

"Who is you? Are you God? I heard hot was God." Bella said, nodding slowly and Jasper giggled a bit.

"Emmett!" It was Edward.

"WHAT!?" I screamed, "I DIDN'T DO IT I SWEAR! IT WAS ALICE'S IDEA! AND JASPER'S!"

"What? What's going on, Emmett?" He walked into the room. His eyes widened as he looked at the coffee table that was overflowing with empty beer bottles.

"Um the goldfish were thirsty?" I said.

"Yeps they were. Wait... where's a fish that's gold?" Jasper babbled.

"Uh-huh seems like you got the two idiots drunk _again_." He frowned, "Did you know beer can kill humans?"

"Um."

"I'll take that as a no." He frowned.

"You know a talking T.V would be scary Edward." Bella said, smiling stupidly.

"Bella, love, how much have you been drinking?"

"Beer?" Bella cocked her head to the side.

"Yes, how much did you drink?"

"A lot." She giggled and her face turned bright red.

"Mhm." Edward disappeared.

Bella looked at the T.V, "How do they fit the small little peoples into the big T.V?" Bella said. Jasper giggled and said, "Let's get a hammer and ask them"

"OK" Bella agreed.

I handed them a hammer, "Hit Edward with this Jasper."

"Ok" He said, grinning. He handed the hammer to Bella, who smashed the T.V.

"HELLO? ANYONE IN THERE? HOW DO YOU GET INSIDE THE T.V?" Bella was talking loudly.

Jasper took the hammer and whacked himself on the head. The hammer broke and Jasper knocked himself out. Edward re-appeared and gasped, "What in Carlisle's name did you do to the T.V!?"

"Bella decided," Alice stopped to laugh, "to discover how people get inside," she laughed again, and spoke, gasping for air she didn't need, "the T.V and Emmett gave Jasper a hammer, he gave it to Bella and SMASH! Then Jasper just knocked himself out if that's possible."

Edward stood there and shook his head as everyone, including Bella, stared at Jasper's body.

"I have an idea!" I said. I ran off and came back with chalk. I traced Jasper's body and then wrote 'Jasper's body outline-knocked self out' I was glad the floor was a smooth gray concrete... until we got the new carpeting.

Bella suddenly dropped onto the couch, asleep. Edward sighed and was abou to pick her up.

"WAIT!" I said.

Edward stopped, "What?"

I held up the chalk, "Can I do her body outline?"

"NO!" He growled, "And if this ever happens again say goodbye to your diary."

"Well then, goodbye, Dora." I said, challenging.

His eyes widened in horror, "You wouldn't."

I shrugged, "I would. It's a fair exchange."

He scowled, picked up Bella and ran upstairs. We cracked up laughing and Jasper sat up, rubbing his head.

"Ouch." He said, looking around, "What happened? Why is the T.V broke? Why does my head hurt? And why is the coffee table full of beer bottles?"

We all stood up, grabbed the bottles, looked suspicious, and ran.

**Review please!**


	17. Goodbye Dora

Dear Mr. Emmett's Precious Diary,

Edward is scaring me. He bought this GIANT Dora plus stuffed thing and he's insisting that I sleep with it. It's not fun. It's so scary to wake up with a giant 4-5 foot doll that talks next to you EVEY morning. Gosh and I thought Emmett was bad. Edward owns every book, dvd, movie, stuffed thing, and hes got the "real Dora's" autograph. It's so scary. His closet is a SHRINE to Dora. It should be a shrine to me if anyone... this is gonna take a group of ravenous teens and reckless idiots. And I know just who to use.

**_Bella Swahizzle (Swan in English)_**

---Bella's POV

"Edwardddd." I sang.

"Yes, love?"

"Will you PLEASE get rid of your Dora shrine?" I asked.

"No! NOT DORA!" He screamed, "NOT DORA!"

"Um. Edward I'm gonna suggest that you take a 48 hour hunting trip." I said.

"Good idea. I'll take Dora mini travel stuffy!" He said, smiling.

"No. Leave it here and take a nice and LONG hunting trip." I said.

"Ok... will you protect Dora for me?" He asked.

"Ch'yea, sure whatever."

---1 hour, a gone Edward, 10 wolves, 6 vampires and 2 humans later...

"Ok team" I began, "The plan is to sabotage his Dora stuff."

Sam raised his hand. "Yes Sam?" I said.

"Wasn't I dead?"

"Um. I dunno? Sure... yea... why not."

Sam shrugged, so did Emily.

"Anymore questions before we begin operation D.E.D.C?"

Paul raised his hand.

"Yes, Paul?"

"What does D-DOT-E-DOT-D-DOT-C mean?"

"Operation Destroy Edward's Dora Collection." I said.

"Oh ok." He said.

"Now as you step up the stairs you may take a complimentary clothes pin to help you ignore unpleasant smells from your enemy's!." I gestured to the basket of clothes pins, "Now please step this way and don't touch anything unless it's Dora."

Everyone but Emily and I grabbed a pin and we started up the stairs, the wolves picked up Dora backpacks, shirts, shoes, socks, and accessories.

We reached his room, I opened the door and said, "GO! GO! GO!" Everyone ran in using their fingers to make guns and some hummed the James Bond theme song.

In about 1 minute the operation D.E.D.C was complete. We searched the house and then took the stuff outside. The wolves made themselves usefully and dug a huge hole.

We dumped the "precious" Dora stuff in and accidentally dropped in a whole box of flaming matches, and lighter fluid.

When the fire was out we buried the stuff. And it forever held it's pieces. And Esme blocked all the nickelodeon channels.

---------------------

1 day and a very emo Edward later.

"My poor, poor Dora." He said, sniffling. He had made a gravestone and put it over where her remains were.

"It's ok. It'll pass... eventually." I said.

"Yeah in century's!" He sobbed.

Cry baby. "Edward get over it. You have me!" I said.

"I think I'll just go watch the Power Puff Girls." He ran off.

Oh boy. I smacked my head and followed.

"ALICE! WE HAVE A PROBLEM!" I screamed.

**Well there you have it. Dora's dead. **

**Well you should know by now that you have to hit review.**


	18. Flashy Lights

**Edward is no longer depressed, still loves Dora but yea they don't mention it... ok maybe a little... but yea. He IS NOT into the power puff girls. **

Dear Mr. Diary,

I have no clue whats going on. I mean there's a bright flashy light and I can't see or remember what happened, then Alice and Bella giggle. So I'm going downstairs... as soon as I find the metal strainer so I can protect my brain from the flashy light aliens!!!!

_Emmett_

* * *

---Alice and Bella are downstairs taking pics with a digital camera (Guess which one) and the flash makes Emmett dizzy.

"Alice this picture looks ridiculous!" I heard Bella saying.

"NO! THE ALIENS GOT YOUR PICTURE!!!" I screamed. I had on my oven mitts, metal strainer and a spacula (Spatula).

There was a flash and Alice and Bella started cracking up, "Emmett this is the greatest picture of you ever!" they said.

"Where am I? What's happening?" I said. Staring at the two familiar looking girls in front of me.

"I think he's mentally ill, Alice." The brown haired one said.

"I agree, let's get another picture before he runs off!" The short pixie said.

There was another flash, "AHHH! THE LIGHT! WHAT IS IT!?" I screamed.

"OMG! Bella! The flash confuses him!" The pixie chick said, bouncing up and down in her seat.

"You thinking what I'm thinking?" The brown head said.

"Continuous flash?" The pixie said.

"Yep"

"Let's do this."

There was a lot of giggling and then flashing. It wouldn't stop.

"AHH!" I covered my eyes as the flashing continued.

When it stopped the room was colored funny and the to girls disappeared. Instead there were funny shapes, "Are you... aliens?" I asked.

"Emmett!!" One said.

"You know my name?"

"Dude it's Alice and Bella, your sister and friend." The other said.

"Alice? Bella?"

"Yes?" The voices combined and then I could see and remember.

"Whoa! What happened?" I asked.

"We're taking pictures and you're calling us 'aliens' and stuff like that." Alice said.

"I was?" I asked.

"Yep" Bella said.

Then Alice giggled, "Wanna see the pictures we got of you?"

"Um sure?" I said.

I looked at the pictures and tried to get the camera but Alice was fast.

---

A week and a not so confused Emmett later.

"Alice" I said.

"Yep?" she said.

"What did you do with those pictures?" I asked.

"Well they're on myspace, youtube slideshows, photobucket, and lots of other places." She said, bored.

"Aliceeeeee" I said.

"Whattt" She said, looking up from her new shoes she was examining.

"How many people have seen these pictures?"

"A lot"

"Oh boy"

---At a store.

Why did I have to shop for Bella? Couldn't she do it? Then I felt something tap my shoulder, I turned, "Yes?" I said.

It was a teenager, "Can I have your autograph?" She said.

"Um sure?"

"Ok sign this." She handed me a Sharpie and a notebook. I scribbled my name, and handed her the notebook, sniffed the sharpie and ran.

"I LOVE YOU!" She screamed after me.

Creepy. Then Rose appeared out of no were and dragged me by my hair out of the store and all the way home.

---Three days later.

"Rose can you shut up yet?" I said. It was day three of her stupid, "I'm married to you" rants because of the rabid fan girl who said she loved me.

"NO!" Her nostrils flared.

I sighed, "I'm not listening."

"FINE!" she screeched and walked away.

I stuck my tongue out and made faces until she turned around.

"Can we play the Twister Moves? I'll get Edward, Alice, Jasper, and Bella." I asked.

Rose grinned, "We've got enough mats right?"

"Yea..." I said, smiling.

"Tag team?" She said.

"Defiantly"

"They won't even know what hit them."

---A few hours and a very confused group of vampires-besides Bella, Emmett, and Rosalie.

"How do you understand this!?" Alice had said, pulling her hair, "It's so confusing!" she hit her head against the wall.

Edward was staring at the mat and Jasper was trying to figure out left and right.

"You guys suck at this game." I said.

**Just review**


	19. Circles of Joyness

Dear Mr. Diary,

Have you ever wondered about those small little circles that Bella eats? I can't figure out what they are! So I'm on a mission.

_Emmett_

* * *

---Alice and Bella are in the kitchen about to pour milk onto her cheerios when suddenly... EMMETT!!!

"Bella?" I said. She had just poured milk onto her circle things.

"What?" She said.

"What is that?" I said, pointing.

"They're circles of joy!" She said happily.

"Uh," I said. "What are they?"

Alice spoke, "Cheerios Emmett, Cheerios. They bring the cheer of joyness. Get with the program." She said.

"Are they good?" I asked.

"DUH! They're little circles of taste good joyness!" Bella cried defensively.

"Are they grizzly bear good?" I asked. Alice started cracking up, "Bella, say it." She said.

Bella smiled, "Grizzly bears are not full of taste good joyness, so no, in fact, they are not as good as grizzly bears. BECAUSE grizzly bears cannot compare with the taste good joyness that circles can bring." She nodded, as if it was a fact, then added, "They have **_nothing_** on Cheerios."

"GRIZZLIES JUST GOT OWNED BY CIRCLES OF JOYNESS!" Alice shouted.

I frowned, "No way."

"Totally!" Alice said, Bella nodded seriously.

I said, "Cheerios are CRAP!"

Bella gasped and Alice said "OH NO YOU DIDN'T!" Snapping in a 'Z' formation.

"Oh yes I did." I said, snapping back.

"Emmett, never, as long as you live, do that AGAIN." Alice said.

"What?"

"Snap in a 'Z' formation." Bella said, hers and Alice's faces arranged in utter horror.

"OH! I thought it was a 'Q'!" I said, shocked that the 'Z' had tricked me!

Bella giggled, "You're dumb!" She stated.

"I AGREE!" Edward shouted from some were upstairs.

"Damn," I muttered, "Stupid circles of joyness with the 'Z's that look like 'Q's!"

**Please review.**


	20. Goodbye Volvo

**GUESTS;**

**Sarah- Ducksrule71821 Story- Ask Aunt Emmett**

**Emma- Soccerstardefense story- Stories of Emmett**

Dear Mr. Diary,

You're probably wondering, why I haven't been writing as much... well I've moved on. Or so Rosalie says. But I've gotta go blow up Edward's shiny Volvo and I know just who to call!

_Emmett_

* * *

"SARAH! HERE'S THE PLAN!" I said.

"Um? Who is this?" She asked.

I tapped my foot impatiently, accidentally making a hole in the floor. "It's Emmett."

"Oh, hey! Emmett! Whats the plan? Is it evil? Does it involve Edward's car? And blowing it up?" She asked.

"Yes, yes, and yes." I said, "But we NEED explosives."

"Um... were would I acquire those?" She asked.

"Just get fireworks." I said, rolling my eyes.

"OK! Meet you in the garage at one pm!" She hung up.

I called Emma next. "Hello?" She said.

"Hey! EMMA!" I shouted.

"What? Emmett?"

"Yep! Emmett, that's me! Wanna blow up Edward's car?"

"SURE!" She said.

"OK! Meet me in the garage one pm, with explosives... or fireworks."

"OK!" She said. I hung up.

---Three hours, three idiots, a carton of eggs, a bunch of fireworks, and a still not blown up Edward's shiny Volvo later.

"Emmett?" Sarah asked, "Were does this go? And why do we have a carton of eggs?"

"On the bottom of the car." I handed her the duct tape that magically appeared out of nowhere, "And I dunno why the eggs are here..."

Emma asked me a question, "Were does this go?" She asked, holding up the biggest firework.

"On top the car." I handed her super, super, SUPER glue, which magically popped into existence.

She nodded and glued it on. We continued to do this, for a few hours.

---Two hours, three idiots, still a carton of eggs, a full of fireworks car, and lord knows what else, later.

Esme's head came through the open garage door, "Blowing up Edward's car?" she asked.

We all nodded. "Oh, ok, have fun! Blow it up at night! It'll look pretty." she said.

"OK! SMART PLAN!" I shouted and hugged her.

"No problem." She vanished.

"Emma... can you crack those eggs onto the sidewalk? I wonder if they'll cook!"

"Probably not, Emmett." She said, but did it anyways.

---Six hours, a ready to explode car, matches, lighters, idiots, overly fried sidewalk eggs, and Edward walking through the door later.

"Three-Two-One! SHES GONNA BLOW!" I screamed, running for the house. We watched out the glass window as the car exploded in bright lights and flashes. Edward walked in.

"EMMETT!?" He screamed, "WAS THAT MY CAR!?"

"Um. It WAS your car..." I said.

"YOU DUMB ASS!" He screamed, chasing me.

"HELP ME!" I yelled, running for my life..

I got beat. I will tell you that. And all Emma and Sarah did was drool when I ripped off Edward's shirt on accident.  
They were sooo helpful. Stupid girls.

**Review.**


	21. Filler Number Two

**Lol, just skip this chapter. I've been editing my chapters so they're correct, and I've messed up the reviews. Like the reviews moved back two chapters because I deleted two. So I'm just putting this in place of the two chapters.**

**No point in reading this, just go to the next one.**

**PEACE.**

**-Vienna. (Or Koda, or Lilly. Whatever you want to call me. Vienna is what my mom was going to name me, but instead I got named after her aunt, and my dads grandma. Soo... yeah. I like Vienna better than Lilly. And better than my old nickname, Koda. And yes, Vienna, like Vienna Austria. Lol. But she didn't pick it because it was a place in Austria.)**


	22. The Origonal DMD

**This was the first Dear Mr. Diary EVER. But it was on my friends computer for a long time, so it's like chapter twenty instead of number one. This is the chapter that started it all!**

Dear Mr. Diary,

You wanna know something? I don't like bugs... or Edward for that matter he's so over protective! He wouldn't let me push Bella out of a moving car! So to get back at me, he put bug stickers on my clothes! STICKERS!!!! What's happening to the world these days!? So then Alice -yes the "perfect" little vampire who does no wrong- decides to get in on the "plan"... so then she puts worms down my pants! They were slimy. But I got to go around saying, "I got worms" to random strangers. They stared at me, and some smelly old lady hit me with her purse! So I lured her into a dark ally and... DUMPED HER INTO A GARBAGE CAN! It was funny! She was screaming, "HELP! HELP!" So I threw really heavy trash bags on top her. She got silent, I had _no _clue why. So then today to get back at them, I put lots and lots and LOTS of pink clothes into Alice's closet. And hid her other clothes. She chased me around the house and made me put a tutu on. Edward recorded it... so it's on youtube. BUT! I also got back at Edward. I hid Bella on a train... that left... and Edward's mad... over protective git. Then when Bella was back she told me to stick my fingers into an electrical outlet... but first she put paper clips on my fingers. I got electrocuted! Who would've guessed that electrical outlets electrocute you! Bella also had Edward smack me. A LOT. I cried... well attempted it... and for no reason at all Jazz tackles me and I go flying out the 3rd floor window! So at about 12:30 Eddie-poo made me eat ice-cream, and it was good! Until I puked my guts out.... That was interesting. So I've been walking around, humming, "Pokemon" to annoy Eddie-kins. Then I started thinking it, and Eddie-poopiekins dropped something REALLY heave on top of me... no clue what though. And I got a hold of Alice's credit card -cough-stole-cough- She couldn'tfind it. Well that was because I flushed it. And she ripped the toilet out of the floor. She broke my laptop in exchange. Poor Mr. Laptop, his life was short... he only lived for about two years. SO YOUNG! So then I got attacked... but not by anyone or vampires... but by GIANT MUTANT PICKLES! They were tasty! And I didn't puke them up! I got diarrhea instead! YAY!

_Emmett_

**Hit review ; )**


	23. Ouch

Dear Mr. Diary,

I'm bored today so I get to do something stupid! HURRAY!!!!

_Emmett_

* * *

"OW! OW! OW!" I screamed.

"What are you doing Emmett?" Edward asked.

"SOMETHINGS HITTING ME! OW! OW!" I yelled.

"Um... Emmett..." Edward said.

"WHAT! OW! OW! OW! OW!" I shouted.

"You do know your hitting yourself, right?" Edward said.

"OW! NO OW! I'M OW! NOT!" I yelled.

"Um you kind of are... and its quite sad," Edward said.

He walked away shaking his head and muttering about idiots. Then Alice walked in.

"Emmett what are you frigging doing?" She said, laughing at me, "Your foreheads red!"

"OW! SOMETHING OW! IS OW! HITTING ME! OW!" I yelled.

"Emmett, seriously, you're hitting your head on the concrete wall, " Alice said, tapping her foot.

"AM OW! NOT OW!" I said.

"Whatever. I've got a date with Jazz" She said, walking out.

---Ten minutes later.

"Mommieee my head hurts!" I pouted.

"Well sweetie, if you didn't break the wall with your hard head maybe it wouldn't hurt!" Esme scolded.

"But the wall attacked me!" I said.

"Ok sweetie we needed a nicer wall anyways!" She said in a huff.

"I agree" I said, rubbing my hollow head.

"You really shouldn't let things like walls bully you! FIGHT BACK!" Esme said.

"OK!" I said.

"Good boy!" She said.

"Ummm so I've got a date to ruin..." I said.

"Whose date?" Esme asked.

"Alice and Jazz's" I said, proudly.

"Ok! You do that!" She said, leaving the room. My cell phone rang, Alice.

"Don't you dare." She snarled.

"Oh I dare!" I said, and snapped the phone shut, darting outside and off to the fancy place Jazz and Alice were. I should become the waiter...

**You'll hit review!**


	24. The Resturant

**GUESTS;**

**Cullens4everandever - Sarah (go read her friggin story its super funny) --This isn't the Sarah from the other chapter. DIFFERENT Sarah.**

**Miss88 - Melissa/Mo/Mel **

Dear Mr. Diary,

I would write to you but I can't because I have a date to ruin. And I need my people to go with me. Just to make sure Alice and Jazz -does jazz hands- don't and won't kill me... until I get home and hide in Bella's shower again! Which wasn't too smart...

_Em-Hizzle iz the Shizzle_

* * *

"Hello? Emmett?"

"Yo! Mo!" I said.

"What do you want?" She said.

"Um wanna go ruin Alice and Jazz's date with me?" I said.

"Oh! Would it be like a date?" She said.

"Um yeah sure." I said.

"YES!" She shouted. Then Rosalie came storming in, "EMMETT!" She screamed.

"I'm gonna die so I'll meet you at the place, bye!" I threw my phone over my shoulder and ran "GOOD LORD! SOMEBODY HELP ME!" I screamed.

"EMMETT I'M YOUR WIFE YOU DON'T DATE OTHER GIRLS!" Rose screeched while chasing me.

I stopped in the middle of the living room. "Well I'm TRYING to ruin Alice's date with Jazz" I said, doing jazz hands, "But nooo Rosalie throws a fit and STILL thinks 'we're married' how many times do I ha... WHOA! ROSE PUT THE COUCH DOWN! REPEAT PUT THE COUCH DOWN!" I yelled.

"YOU IDIOT!" She screamed. Put on the plus side, she put the couch down, "I'm going shopping! DON'T CALL ME OR TEXT OR FOLLOW! I WILL MURDER YOU!" She screamed, storming out to her car.

"Ok, whatever." I said, flipping out my magical cell phone that reappeared, "Hey Sarah!"

"Hey Emmett." Sarah said.

"Wanna go ruin Alice and Jazz's date?" I said.

"Yea sure. Met you at the place." She said.

---At the resturant where Jasper and Alice are.

We sat down at a table, 20 feet from them. Alice looked over here, and made a fist, slamming into her hand.

I smiled, and she scowled.

"So" said Sarah, "What are we doing?"

"Well" I began, "I'm gonna become a waiter and pester Alice."

"Mhm." Melissa said.

"And you two are on a date!" I clapped my hands and a waiter appeared, "Yes sir and madams?" he said.

"Go away! I wasn't calling for you! GOSH!" I said.

"OK if you need me, call" He said, dropping a piece of paper with his number on it. "Creepy" Sarah and Melissa said.

"I'M NOT THAT WAY!" I called to the waiter. He frowned, ran off, and was crying. HA I'm good.

---10 minutes, a waiter named Emmett and two girls on a date later.

"So sir and um... thing." I said, "What can I get you?"

Alice looked like she was going to explode.

Jasper looked at Alice, "Um Alice why did we come here if we can't eat?" He said.

"I don't know." She was shaking, "I thought it would be nice to get away from this IDIOT at our table." She scowled.

"Wah wah, Alice at least Jazz" I did jazz hands, "is being nice. Control your girlfriend Jasper." I said.

Alice calmed down.

---Meanwhile.

"Soooo Sarah... why are we here again?" Melissa asked.

"Because we were supposed to be witnesses to Emmett's death at Alice's hands." Sarah said.

"It's not like she CAN kill him, I mean he's like super strong."

"Yea and HOT."

"I know. They all are... well the boys! The girls are so pretty."

"Yea I'm jealous."

"Mhm," Melissa said, looking at Alice and Jasper.

"Yeah, well we should sneak into the kitchen and make cakes and pies fly and say 'I'm an elf from Harry Potter!' And then we run!" Sarah seemed proud.

"OK!" Melissa agreed. Stupid book freaks.

---Back at Alice's table...

I sat down.

"Emmett, I swear on my clothes that when we get home you're dead." Alice said, shaking.

"You're shaking!" I said, pretending to be afraid. "Are you going to turn into a wolf?" I asked.

"NO! I'M NOT A WOLF YOU IDIOT! DO YOU EVEN HAVE A BRAIN!?" Alice screamed, she broke a lot of glass in a second. And we got kicked out.

Jasper shook his head as we walked out and then said, "Emmett you need a life."

---In the kitchen.

Melissa was sneaking around with Sarah when suddenly,

A CHINESE GUY APPEARED! And started yelling at them. So they ran and he chased them, hit his leg on the counter thing and yelled, "AI BANG MAI FA KIN NI!" The girls were crackin' up.

They ran to the light switch and turned it off so they could get away and they heard the Chinese guy yell, "WAI SU DIM!?" The giggling girls ran out to the exit, and burst out laughing.

---At the house.

Edward was sitting on the couch, reading a book, what a loser.

"HEY!" Edward yelled, "I AM NOT A LOSER!"

"AM TO!"

"AM NOT!"

"AM TO!"

"AM TO!"

"AM NOT!" I yelled.

"Told you." Edward said.

I was super confused. So I walked to my room, scratching my head trying to figure out what he said.

When I opened the door, I gasped, my room was pink. Then I realized it was Rosalie's new room. Oops. I went to MY room and said, "I should be Chinese."

**Hit Review, tis calling to you. Tis saying, "Push me! Push meeeee!" So yea hit it.**


	25. Emmett's Not Chinease

Dear Mr. Diary,

So today my goal is, BEING CHINESE! It's gonna bug the crap out of Edward. I can almost feel the annoyance. Well I'm off to annoy.

_Emmett_

* * *

"Edward!" I called.

"What?" He said, walking out his room.

"Let's hang out today!" I said.

"Um? Ok?" He said, confused. I _was _blocking my thoughts. But anyways he looked super confused. If I were a girl I'd probably be like "AWWWWWW" but I'm not and I'm supposedly "married."

"Um Emmett you are married, and why would you think of yourself as a girl and say, 'awwwwww' in your Unblocked thoughts?" Edward asked.

"Oops." I said, "Well anyways let's hang out."

---Walking downstairs.

"Emmett I don't wanna hang out with you today." Edward complained.

"Wai Yu Kum Nao?" I asked.

"What the hell kinda language is that?"

"I'm Chinese DUH Edward. I even get to use the accent" I said.

"Uh-huh." He said.

We got downstairs and I banged my knee on the table (and broke it) just so I could say, "Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni!" I shouted.

"What the hell Emmett!? That shouldn't even have hurt."

"It did." I said. Faking pain was fun.

When we got to the park we saw Jacob, and I said, "Wai Yu So Tan?"

He looked at me and shook his head, "Leeches." he muttered.

"Mutts" I said, "Yu Stin Ki Pu"

He started to walk away, shaking, so me being the idiot I am, I said, "Kum Hia Nao."

He stopped and turned, "Why should I?"

"I said so."

"Why do you switch from one voice to another? Wasn't that Jasper's job?" He asked.

"Sure?" I said. Jacob just ran off.

"Emmett you're so stupid." Edward said.

"Dum Fuk." I muttered.

---Bella's house

We got out of the car and Bella opened the front door.

"Hi Edward, Emmett!" Bella said. She was eating chips and because I thought it would be funny I said, "Wai Yu Mun Ching?"

"Huh?" She said, "Why are you talking funny?"

"Chin Tu Fat" I said, crossing my arms.

"What is he saying?" Bella asked Edward.

"Idiot. He's speaking Idiot."

"It suits him well. Seeing how he IS an idiot."

I shook my head, "Fa King Su Pah"

"I'll be right back." Edward said.

"Were you going?" Bella asked.

"Wa Shing Ka" I said.

Edward gave me a really funny look and said, "I need to do something." And he disappeared.

"Wai So Dim?" I asked.

"It's not dim!" Bella said.

I smelled something, "Hu Yu Hai Ding?"

"What? That's probably Charlie you smell." Bella said. "If you're smelling something. He's wearing 'cologne' it stinks"

Edward's car pulled up in the drive way, and I screamed, "NO PAH KING DUM FUK!"

"Um Edward..." Bella said, "Can we leave?"

"Sure, Emmett go home so we can hang out."

"Bewwa, he has Tai Ni Po Ni!" I said, and before they could respond I left.

I heard Bella ask Edward what drugs I was taking.

I should go rob a bank... they have those good lollipops. I could be like, 'FREEZE! GIMME DEM LOLLIPOPS AND NO ONE GETS HURT!' I could do that... while I was busy thinking, I ran into a tree and smashed it down, "Oops. My bad."

**Not the greatest... Oh well. Review?**


	26. Annoying Jasper

Dear Mr. Diary,

I'm gonna go bother Jasper while he takes his shower because he bothers me when I drive.

_Emmett_

* * *

I ran into the bathroom with six buckets of freezing water.

"JASPER!" I screamed. He jumped and re-buttoned his pants. I threw the water onto him.

"It's not cold Emmett." He said. I frowned, "FINE!" And I ran out.

---Two minutes and a good idea later.

Jasper was in the shower and the curtain was pulled shut. "Good," I thought. I started tearing the toilet paper to smaller pieces and throwing it over the curtain. After 10 seconds and seven rolls of toilet paper. His head and upper torso appeared and he glared at me. His arms, face and upper torso were covered in toilet paper. "GEEZ JASPER! You should take a shower!" I said. He scowled and growled. I **_RAN_**. Nothing was scarier than an angry Jasper. I sat in my room for six seconds before I decided to take his towel. I breezed in and out. He didn't notice.

---Jazz POV

He's so dumb. Doesn't he know I can feel his emotions every time he comes in?

I turned off the water and reached for the towel. I didn't feel it. "EMMETT!" I screamed. Good thing Alice warned me to wear swim trunks.

---Ed. POV

"EMMETT!" I heard Jasper scream. Bella didn't look up from her magazine, "What did Emmett do to Jasper now?" She asked.

"Probably took Jasper's stuff again." I said. I looked at Bella and she didn't notice.

"Oh" She said, still not looking up. I sat behind her and played with her hair. She tilted her head back and grinned.

---Em POV

"EMMETT!" Jasper screamed.

"Yes?" I asked from outside the door.

"GIVE ME THE DAMN TOWEL!"

"I don't think so." I said. And to my surprise, the door opened and out stepped Jasper, wearing swim trunks. He tackled me and down the stairs we went.

---Two minutes later

The living room was empty and Alice said, "In the EAST corner we have Emmett. Standing a tall five foot ten inches. And weighing 190 pounds." She turned to Jasper, "And in the WEST corner we have the smart, brilliant, cunning, hot, sexy, charmin-"

"GET ON WITH IT!" I shouted.

"Jasper, five foot eight inches. Weighing in around 150" She blurted. And then she screamed, "DING!" And the fight began...

---Ten point three seconds later.

"Jasper and Edward win!" Alice shouted, "And so does Rose and Carlisle who sided with Jasper and Edward!"

They had all joined Jasper and were now sitting on me. "FINE!" I shouted.

Jasper said, "Don't mess with me next time."

"Ch'yea right!" I said.

"OK THEN! On the count of 5 guys! One... Two... FIVE!" They all jumped and landed back on top of me... after we fell through the floor.

"NO!" Esme screamed, clutching her face in horror above us, "MY FLOOR!"

**REVIEW! **


	27. Emmett the Rapper

Dear Mr. Diary,

I think I'll be something else today. I'm tired of being a vampire! I could be a ninja... or a ninja bunny... or... OH! I know! A gangsta rapper dude! YAY!

_Emmett_

* * *

---5 minutes and a dressed up like a gangsta Emmett later

"Check it! Check it! I was driving down the street in my Cadillac!" I began, Edward scowled at me.

"Emmett you don't even OWN a Cadillac." He said.

"But I can!" I said back.

"But you won't because you have that monster of a jeep that almost ran Bella over in the garage." He said, trying to get me to become "one of him". It wasn't working.

"It only almost ran Bella over because she was behind it for no reason and the car doesn't like her." I said, folding my arms across my chest.

"No. _YOU_ forgot to take the car out of reverse when you got out of it and had 'turned it off' and she walked in and it was moving backwards. You're lucky I didn't kill you." He said, scowling at the memory.

"Ch'yea believe your version. It's true. Bruce does not like her!" I cried, defending Bruce.

"You named you car?"

"So!" I said. I covered my eyes with my hands and ran out of the room.

---Alice's room

"ALICE!" I said, running into her room.

"What?" She asked. She was painting her toenails.

"Am I a good rapper?" I asked.

"No." She said.

"ALICE!?" I cried.

"I mean... YES! Yes you are!" She said.

"YAY! Listen to me rap!" I said.

"Um... I'd rather not..." She began.

"Yo! YO! My name is Emmett and I'm not a vet! I like to suck blood! And talk like a... step!" I sang.

"Emmett... I'm gonna suggest you walk out of the room and leave me alone." She pointed to the door.

"Um... where's Jasper?" I asked.

"Um... I dunno." she said.

---Bothering Jasper.

"Jasper!" I called.

"What?" He was in the garage! I ran there.

"Hey! Wanna hear me rap and rhyme?" I asked.

"Nope." He said.

"Well to bad!" I said.

"Do you want a repeat of yesterday" He asked.

"Not exactly..." I said.

"Good then walk away." He said, polishing his motorcycle... from Edward.

"OK!" I said. I ran to Rosalie.

"ROSE!" I shouted as I ran into her room. She was cuddling her teddy bear. And she quickly threw it across the room, embarrassed.

"Yea?" She said.

"Wanna hear me rap and rhyme?" I asked.

"Um... I'm busy Emmett." She said.

"PSH FINE!" I yelled. As soon as I closed the door I could hear her say, "It's ok Mr. Teddy, I didnt' mean to throw you..."

---

"Carlisle..." I began.

"No I don't wanna hear you rap and rhyme" He said.

"FINE! NO ONE LOVES ME!" I screamed.

---

Well Mr. Diary... I can rap to you right?

**Review please**


	28. Emmett Vs American Idol

Dear Mr. Diary,

I've decided not to give up my dream to be a rap star. I'm going American Idol! Tell your friends to watch me tomorrow night! I'll be famous! YES YES YES!

_Emmett_

* * *

I walked into the big room. Simon, Paula and Randy greeted me.

"Hello!" Paula said, examining me.

"Hey there." Randy said.

Simon glared at me, "Who are you and what are you singing?"

I was so scared of Simon I almost peed, "I'm Emmett Cullen and I'm gonna rap a rap I wrote."

Simon glared, and Paula said, "OhMyGod! That's so like cool! Well go on! Go on!" She said. Randy looked sad because Paula liked me better. HA! I thought.

"Um ok?" I said. I walked to the center of the freaky room with Simon glaring at me, Paula staring at me, and Randy was sobbing.

"Yo. Check it, check it. My name is Emmett! And I am not a VET! I rhyme like a dime, and walk like a step! I can dance, I can rap and rhyme, and walk the line. I drive down the street in my Cadillac-" Simon screamed, "STOP! STOP! STOP!" Paula glared at him, and he continued, "THAT WAS _HORRIBLE_! You cannot rap and rhyme for your life!"

My family appeared behind me, "Excuse us?" They said, all looking freakishly vampire-is.

Paula looked at the camera, "We're gonna go to commercial now..." And then it went to commercial.

---5 minutes a much abused Simon and lots of cuss words later

"And were back." Paula said, "I think Emmett was wonderful!" She gushed. Randy smiled, sadly, "Well Emmett I say you go to the next thing."

Simon glared, "You're going to Hollywood."

"YES!" I screamed. I jumped up and down, I started to break dance. And they stared at me, Simmons jaw dropped, Paula clapped her hands, and Randy cried. I break danced out of the room and down the stairs (Which hurt) and out the door and into Rosalie's car.

"I DID IT!" I screamed.

"WOO!!" Everyone cheered. And then we were at home.

---Next day

We watched me on T.V.

"I rocked and rapped!" I said. I was super happy.

"Yea we showed that Simon guy." Edward said.

Bella looked at me, "You call that rap?"

"Yep" I said.

"Can you do the Soulja Boy?" She asked.

"The what?" I asked. Bella got up and turned on the stereo. She put in a CD and it started. As soon as she heard the music she started the "Soulja Boy" dance. When it was over, she posed.

"Wow, she didn't even fall over or trip!" I said. Then she fell over, and landed on the table, flipping over and breaking Esme's lamp. Her newest one. "OW!" She screamed, then, "I'M OK!"

We all laughed at her. Then she decided to teach Edward the Cupid Shuffle.

She played the song,

_To the right, to the right, to the right, to the right.  
To the left, to the left, to the left, to the left.  
Now kick, now kick, now kick, now kick.  
Now walk it by yourself, now walk it by yourself._

While they were doing that, I recorded it. Edward was tripping. And they were going SLOWLY. It was funny. And I say FUNNY. She tried to teach him Soulja Boy. Didn't go so great. He went through the glass window. Not good.

"HE DID IT!" Bella screamed, pointing at me.

Esme walked in, "EMMETT! YOU BROKE THE WINDOW AGAIN!?"

"NO!"

"YOU ARE GROUNDED!" She screeched.

"BU-"

"GROUNDED!" She screeched again.

I glared at her, and put my fist into my hand, and pointed at her. She stuck out her tongue and Esme grabbed my ear, "OW! OW! OW!" I screamed.

And then she locked me into my room. Damn. But she came back! With a CARD BOARD BOX!  
"NO!" I screamed, "NOT THE BOX AGAIN!" And I was helpless.

**To leave a review, push the purple, "GO" button.  
To read the next chapter, wait till I type it out.  
To tell me I rock and you love my story, read my other story's and call me a genius.  
To leave a voice message... jump off the cliff in La Push and make Jacob save you.  
To get a hug from Emmett, call this number, 1-800-I'm- Emmett! (This number may not work on your phone because Emmett does not like you because you gave him a tricycle and then melted it.)**

**Thank you! Have a nice day!**


	29. American Idol Winner

**GUESTS;**

**Axure Bee (Bee)  
Deedeekiss (Deedee)  
Ducksrule71821 (Sarah)****  
La Tua Cantante 101 (Maddie) **

Dear Mr. Diary,

Today is the FINAL day of American Idol. All they're having us do is sing. Then BAM! Select winner. I hope I win... Anyways gotta go. Mr. Pushyface (Edward) is demanding we leave now.

_Emmett_

* * *

---At the place thingy

"OK!" Paula announced over a speaker, "First up we have Bee! Singing, 'Our Song' by Taylor Swift!" The crowd went crazy.

Bee went onstage and sang her song... danced too. And then it was the next persons turn, Randy announced this one, "Well that was fantastic! But next up we have Maddie! Singing, 'Untitled' by Simple Plan!" Maddie walked onstage and smiled, and waved. Pft showoff. She took the mic. and began singing... and doing her stupid dance.

_How could this happen to me? I've made my mistakes, got no were to run. The night goes on as I'm fading away._

And so on. It was annoying. She ran offstage and there was, AGAIN, the crowd went wild. Wait till they hear ME!

Simon was announcing next, "Ok and now we have Deedee singing 'We Sleep Forever' by Aiden. And how did she get on the show again? She sucks horribly..."

"Simon shut up. You agreed to her going on. And she sings better than you EVER will." Randy said, defending her. Deedee blushed onstage and then giggled. She took the mic and did her stuff. After that was ME!

Paula announced, "And now Emmett, singing, 'Bye Bye Bye' by... well I have no clue who that's by but WHATEVER!" I went onstage and sang like a leprechaun... wait! No... to scary... a NINJA!

After I was done, the crowd screamed for more. I sing the Backstreet Boys better than they sing themselves.

"And FINALLY! We have Sarah! Singing, 'Teardrops On My Guitar' by Taylor Swift!" The crowd went crazy. Like Crazy insane.

_"He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar. He's the reason that I'm wishing on a wishing star" _**I'm not sure if I got that right... oh well!**

---10 minutes later

"AND THE WINNER IS!" The announcer paused for dramatic affects,

"SARAH!!!!" The crowd went NUTS. Sarah jumped up and down, screaming, "I DID IT! I WON! OMG! I WON! I WON!!!! OMG!!!" And then she tripped and fell off the stage... She jumped up, "I'M OK!" She screamed. I left. I ran off before they could say anything else. I was sooo sad. Then everyone came backstage and were crowded around Sarah, "Well," She said, "I couldn't have done it without the help of Emmett." She smiled at me, "He encouraged me and told me to go for it!"

Everyone was jealous. I came in second anyways.

---At home

Jasper tackled me through the door, "GOOD JOB BROTHER!!!" He screamed in my face.

I smiled. Then realized we crashed through two walls and broke a lot of stuff...

"MY WALLS! AND MY STUFF!" Esme screamed, "JASPER I'M TAKING YOUR X-BOX FOR A MONTH!" She screamed. She took it and began to pet it, "My precious..." She mumbled.

"Oh boy..." Jasper and Edward said together.

**Ok for the whole "precious" with Esme, go read Jasper's story. It will sum it up! **

**REVIEW! **


	30. Goodbye Motercycle

**---Ok so this goes out to Anemies I will use whoever I want in my story. And if their name is Sarah then its Sarah. Just because you don't like someones name doesn't mean I don't like it. And I happen to LIKE Sarah's name. Shes my Best Fran. If you got a problem stop reading my story. And just so you know, without her, their wouldn't BE a Dear Mr. Diary. She inspired me with HER amazing story. **

**GUESTS;**

**Ducksrule71821 (Sarah)  
Also to Sarah, you own anything in my story that happens to have you included in it. I'm twisting in part of your story too, btw. **

Dear Mr. Diary,

So... Because I'm running for president and so is Jasper and I want him to lose... and so does Sarah and Koda... we have pulled together the GREATEST PLAN EVER! Operation, D.J.M.R.N! HAHAHAHAHA! AND NOTHING CAN STOP US! Except Jasper... Anyways! Me and my evil minions have illegal explosives to acquire...

_Emmett_**  
****_Koda_  
Sarah**

* * *

"Ok!" Koda said, clapping her hands. "How are we going to get illegal explosives?"

"Um... well... we COULD use fireworks again..." Sarah said, "I mean... seeing how it totally destroyed Edwards Volvo... and them damn eggs..."

"NO!" I shouted, "This is a MOTORCYCLE! It's all WHOOSH! AND VROOM! Fireworks will not work!"

"Hmmm." Koda said.

"Well... we could..." Sarah began. "Well no..."

"OH! I'VE GOT IT!" Koda shouted, "Let's pull a 'The Hills Have Eyes!'" She looked smug.

"A what?"

"You know that movie were there's those people who got blasted with nuclear bombs? And then they were like mutated because they didn't evacuate that area were the people launched nuclear bombs?" She rambled on.

"OH! I GET IT!" I said.

"Yea... well let's make a Nuclear Bomb place and then blow up the motorcycle!" She seemed super proud.

"No..." Said Sarah, "That wouldn't work. Let's just use whatever we can find in a store... torches... lighters... matches... gasoline... etc."

"THAT'S BRILLIANT!" Koda and I shouted.

---Three hours, matches, lighters, torches, lighter fluid, gasoline, and god knows what else we acquired, LATER!

"Ok..." Sarah said, starring at the shiny motorcycle, "Let's get busy!"

We went out into the field were we had played ball a long time ago. We got rid of all the grass. Well I did, then we laid down the supplies. And we put the motorcycle in the middle of the field.

"You know what Emmett?" Koda asked.

"What?"

"We should bring Jasper out here... THEN drop a match on everything!"

"Yeah... we could... and we SHOULD!" I said.

So we began by pouring the lighter fluid on the motorcycle and then we did gasoline then we threw on the lighters and matches. We kept one match. And I ran for Jasper. Well actually... We built a fortress for safety so when everything went BOOM my evil minions "WE AREN'T MINIONS!" Koda and Sarah yelled, "OK! OK!" anyways... wouldn't get hurt... THEN I ran for Jasper.

---2 minutes and a clueless Jasper later.

I stuck him in the fortress with Koda and Sarah... and that's probably not to smart for when he flips out but OH WELL! And I lit the match and dropped it on the motorcycle. I ran! And beat the explosion! It went BOOM! And pieces were flying.

Jasper screamed and then ran out of the fortress and attacked me.

"Go Emmett! Kick Jasper's ass!" Sarah and Koda shouted in unison.

I won. Jasper got on his knees and picked up small chunks of his ex-motorcycle, "IT'S GONE! IT'S GONE! NO! MY LIFE IS OVER! OVER! THERE'S NOTHING TO LIVE FOR NOW! Except x-box... and Alice... I SHOULD GO TO ITALY AND DO SOMETHING STUPID!" While Jasper was flipping out we just inched away and then ran off. And Alice ran past with a really heavy looking metal object...

---At home.

"That was great!" Koda said, smiling.

"Yea wicked!" Sarah shouted. The two girls slapped hands.

Koda grinned and then said, "Dude we should go beyond anything and EVERYTHING and..."

"What?" I asked.

Sarah grinned evilly, "That's brilliant Koda!" she said.

"WHAT!?" I shouted.

"We're gonna get Alice's Porsche 911 turbo." She looked at me and there was an EVIL glint in her eyes, and also an evil grin.

"Ok fine! BUT! First can we go ninja like Naruto?" I asked.

"TOTALLY!" Koda shouted.

"I'll think about it" Sarah said.

I picked up a heavy rock, "Ya sure?" I asked.

"I mean YES! Wait! NO! I write your story and I can make you lose the campaign! Jasper could become president!" She crossed her arms.

"FINE!" I ran up to Edwards roomthank GOD the people in white still had him... and started talking to Edward's carpet. At least he would go ninja with me!

I heard the door slam, then I heard it "EMMETT!" It was Jasper...

**The carpet and men in white belong to Sarah! NOT ME! If you would like more on this matter, press three.**

**For Sarah's story...Well go read it.**

**"Ask Aunt Emmett" **

**REVIEW.**


	31. The Idea

**GUESTS;**

**Ducksrule71821 (Sarah)**

D.m.D,

I'm too lazy to write... so yea. I think I'm gonna go find something to do. And I have the PERFECT idea. I need my homies...

_Emmett_

* * *

"So what are we doing today Emmett?" Koda asked me. Sarah nodded.

"Well... I was thinking we steal grocery carts and then tie it to Alice's car then I drive and you two would be in the cart..." I trailed off. They were grinning ear to ear, "Totally" Sarah said.

"WICKED!" Koda shouted. Then Alice burst into my room, "I'M DRIVING!" She shouted.

"WOOOO!!!" We screamed. Alice grinned, and bowed, "We should get Bella too!" She suggested.

"Edward will KILL us" I said.

"Psh. Yea right, he's hunting for like... Three days." Alice said. Then Jasper walked into the room, "Alice-" He stopped abruptly, "Oh no. NO NO NO. Not those two! NOT AGAIN!" He ran out of the room screaming.

"What's his problem?" Alice asked.

Koda shrugged, "We blew up his motorcycle."

"So that was you?"

"Yep."

"You guys rock."

Little did she know her car was next...

---Ten minutes and six shopping carts tied to Alice's Porsche with 1 idiot in a cart each later.

"Koda are you good and ready?" I asked, checking.

"Yes."

"Sarah?" I asked.

"Check." She said.

"Jasper?"

"Totally" He said, grinning.

"Bella?" I asked.

"Why me!?" She shouted.

"That'll be a yes?" I said.

"NO! TAKE ME HOME!" She demanded.

"Nope." I said.

"Jacob?"

"Definitely."

"How'd you even get here?" I asked him.

"Um...Internet."

"Oh okay..."

"Yeah..."

"Good then!" I hopped into my shopping cart and all the girls and Jacob put on their helmets.

"READY ALICE!" I shouted. The garage door opened and the light poured in.

Alice rolled down her window and said in a funny voice, "Please keep your hands and feet inside the shopping carts at all times! Thank you! Enjoy the ride!!"

She hit the gas and we were flying.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" We were all screaming. It was like FLYING. Which I can do! Well... not yet.

Alice zoomed down the highway. And Koda stopped screaming, she threw her hands in the air and everyone followed.

We were zooming down the highway and then Alice must've hit the gas again because we were going so fast it was just like a roller coaster. Then we just started a scream conversation, "HEY EMMETT!" Sarah screamed, "HOWS IT GOING OVER THERE?"

"IT'S GOING JUST GREAT! HOW ABOUT YOU!" I yelled.

"PERFECTLY GREAT!" She screeched.

"TREE!" Jacob yelled. His cart hit the tree and the rope got cut off... so his cart was disconnected. He ran into the woods with it and vanished.

"MAN DOWN! MAN DOWN! WAIT NO! WOLF DOWN! WOLF DOWN!" Koda shouted. We looked back at the trees.

We all cheered. And then Alice hit the brakes because Charlie's police car appeared behind us.

He tapped on Alice's car window, she rolled it down, "OH!" he said, shocked, "Alice?"

"Is there a problem?" She asked, obviously dazzling him.

"Um... no. Not really but why are there 5 carts tied to your car with people in them?"

"Well... It's a way to celebrate!" She said.

"Oh... ok. OMG BELLA?!" He noticed her.

"Um yea?" She said, blushing.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?"

"Having fun."

"WHO ARE THOSE TWO GIRLS!?"

"I'm Christy, I'm Alice's cousin from out of town. I'm with her." Koda lied.

Sarah followed, "I'm Anne-Marie. I'm also Alice's cousin from out of town."

Charlie scowled, "I'll be talking to Carlisle about this."

Alice put her hand on Charlie's arm, "He already knows. He okay-ed it. And also, we were on our way home and Bella is perfectly safe. So is everyone else." She dazzled him apparently because he walked away. Well wobbled. And as soon as he was gone, Alice hit the gas AGAIN.

"WOOO HOO!!!" We screamed. Then Jacob was running in wolf form alongside the carts, having fun obviously. Alice hit the brakes, slowly, and then stopped. Jacob disappeared into the woods and then came out dressed, and had the cart and new ropes. He tied them on quickly and then jumped in.

Alice hit the gas for the fourth time and we were once again flying.

---Three hours later

We dropped Jacob off at the line and then we left for my house. When we got there Esme was waiting, and she looked mad.

"WERE HAVE YOU BEEN!?" She screamed.

"Um.. crazy ride?"

"Oh ok! Was it fun?"

"Totally!" We all said.

"That's good."

"Um... Ok?" I said. I was expecting her to yell. Esme smiled and walked inside.

We got out of the carts and then went inside too. Alice gave us all high-fives. "That was great" She said.

"Wicked." Koda said.

"Amazing." Sarah said.

"Best day ever!" Jasper said.

"BEASTY!" I said.

"SUPER FUN!" Bella shouted.

"Reckless." Edward said.

We all jumped, then slowly turned around, "Uh-oh" I said.

Edward was glaring at us, "You guys are sooo lucky no one got hurt." He said.

"Well Jacob did... but he's ok now." I said.

"Jacob was there? And he got hurt?" Edward asked.

"Yep"

"Sweet!" He smiled, then said, "Never again Emmett. Or else I will rip you to shreds."

"Ok. Ok." I said.

"Good." He said. He walked forward and took Bella's hand and then the went upstairs.

We looked at each other. "That was a close call." Sarah said.

"I agree." Koda said.

"Never again untill Edward goes to Alaska?" Sarah asked.

"Yeah." I said.

"Mhm." Alice said.

"Yes!" Koda and Sarah shouted together.

"Well then thats final." I said.

Then Rosalie tackled me, "ARE YOU STUPID!?" She screamed. And when she tackled me I (Well WE) went flying through the air and landed on the table... breaking it.

"Yea. Just a little" I said.

**Damn. That would be so much fun to do!! Now I wanna go do that!! UGHH!!!**

**REVIEW!!! **


	32. The Contract

Dear Mr. Diary,

Because I'm grounded my homies can't hang out for a week. And Edward wants to "talk" (more like attempt to kill me!). So I'm a bit scared (WONDER WHY). He has a thing for metal objects and hitting me with them. Anyways. Rosalie is eyeing a new car. So IF I'm lucky and she gets it she'll let us (As in Me and my homies, besides Koda and Sarah) blow up her car! YAY! And now Esme's gone on a windex rampage. She believes windex is the source of "streak free" windows and stuff. But I disagree! Which means shes making me clean windows until I admit it. But whatever. She's probably forgotten. Alice thinks it's funny. Really funny. She made Esme request that I wear the frilly pink apron that Esme cleans in. I'll probably rip it just trying it on. And now Edwards yelling for me. Temper. Temper.

_Emmett_

* * *

"Yes Eddie-poo!" I called, skipping down the stairs. I heard a "SNAP!" And then a "CRAP!" He probably broke something. He does every time we call him "Eddie" or "Eddie-poo".

"DON'T CALL ME EDDIE-POO!" He screamed.

"OK! OK!" I said, dropping onto the couch. He LOOKED at me. LOOKED. It twas scary.

"Ok, WHY, may I ask, did you blow up my Volvo!?" He was grinding his teeth so hard together. I'm surprised they didn't turn to dust.

"Well... I feel the need to blow things up on a weekly basis as you probably know." I said brightly.

"I'LL BLOW YOU UP!" He screamed.

"It was JUST A CAR!" I said, shouting the last part.

"NO! IT WAS MY BABY! THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!" he said, sobbing dramatically.

"What about Bella?"

"I only loved my car!" He said, sobbing into his hands. I should tell this to Bella... see what _she_ has to say about it...

"Never mind..." I said.

"Oh. Well anyways. You owe me a NEW, SILVER, SHINY, Volvo." He said. Pft like he'll get one of those. Not after what he did to his car. He blew the frigging thing up! Can you believe it!?

"Hm... tempting but, how about this." I said.

"What?"

"Let's just say 'pickles' and call it even 'k?" I said.

"OK!" He seemed dumb enough.

"Ok... now..." I said, pulling out a clipboard, a pen, and a contract, "If you'll just sign here... here, here and right there..." I said, pointing as I told him, "ALSO! Here, here, here, he- WAIT NO NOT THERE! Here... here... right there, here, on that line, here and lastly, here." I said, poking the contract. He scrawled his name. Then shock swept over him, "YOU TRICKED ME!"

"Well, DUH" I said, rolling up the contract, "But HEY now its a LEGAL document."

"You better run Emmett or I swear to you that you'll wish you never even TOUCHED my car" He snarled.

"NOT! SO! FAST!" I shouted, putting my hand in front of his face, "the document says, 'No hurting, hunting, kicking, biting, punching, scratching, slapping, drop kicking, jumping on, harming, pulling hair, pulling on anything, throwing, dropping anything on him, cutting, breaking, or in fact licking Emmett Cullen. Or the men in white will return."

"DAMN YOU!" He screamed at the ceiling, he was on his knees.

"Yep. The ladies (and some men) love me."

"What does_ that_ got to do with anything?"

"Well... actually I don't know. And I was hoping you could tell me." I said.

He walked out of the room shaking his head and muttering to himself.

**R-E-V-I-E-W**


	33. HD Radio

Dear Mr. Diary,

I have my reasons for not writing so much anymore,  
1) You're running out of paper.  
2) I don't feel our connection anymore  
And 3) I have the new H.D Radio.  
So now I must say, Goodbye.

Besides, I'm getting a NEW diary (Probably). It was fun while it lasted. But what can I say? The new H.D Radio is just... Better than you.

_Emmett_

* * *

I closed the diary.

"Emmett, why? WHY!?" The diary screamed.

"It's the new H.D Radio, he truly loves me."

"IS THIS ABOUT ME!?" He sobbed, "I LOVE YOU!"

"And I love Rose (H.D Radio)."

"WHAT DO THEY HAVE THAT I DON'T!?"

"Um... Everything... Like cool new music stations and awesomer things than what you have." I stated.

"You don't write like you used to!" He sobbed again, "Is it because of my squareness?"

"Yea sure." I picked him up and ran to the back yard.

"Why?" He looked at me.

"It's better this way." I said, then I lit him on fire. "Goodbye."

---

"Emmett we should have a party!" Alice suggested. "We could use your new H.D Radio!"

"AWESOME!" I cheered.

"Also I've got you a NEW diary."

"I don't write anymore."

"You don't?"

"Nope. H.D Radio can record and then I can upload it onto I-tunes then download onto the I-Pod."

"You mean the thing that Jasper dropped in Toys-R-Us that Bella picked up and took home forever?"

"Yep...Wait. SHE TOOK IT!?"

"Yeah..."

"Drats!" I have to steal it back. "Oh, and yeah, party."

"Party's on then. One week. We should also have a Pre-party..."

"Ok whatever."

**Review**


	34. Prepaired

**GUESTS;**

**Ducksrule71821 (Sarah)  
xEtERNaLROMaNCEx (Dylan)  
And last, Merkaba7734 (Kari) **

**Basically if I ever got your name, you should be in the next chapter! And also, I'm Koda. (Thats my internet name, it's obviously not my real name.) **

**Ps- Esme and Carlisle are not home! They are in... umm... let's just say they are in Australia! With the Kangaroos. : )**

"OK!" Alice shouted, "I think we should start with STRIP POKER!"

Everyone but Edward cheered. Alice said, "Ok! Girls, bikini's under your clothes! Boys... Shorts!" And she scooped up Bella and ran up the stairs. Rosalie was right behind them. Edward, Jasper, and I all put on shorts and then layered our clothes. We're cheaters.

Alice and Bella returned but Rosalie wasn't with them. She was probably fixing her hair, AGAIN.

---Two minutes later.

"OK! EDWARD! I want your shirt!" Alice said.

"Fine." He took it off, only to reveal an undershirt.

He handed it to Alice, who quickly put it on and grinned.

And after about three hours of mindlessly taking clothes and giving Bella beer, this game was hopelessly over.

"I WIN!" Bella declared, slurring her words and throwing down her hand.

I stared, "Um, Bella... That's a 2, a yellow UNO card, a get out of jail free card, and a card with a tricycle." I pointed out.

She grinned stupidly, "Ezacly I winned the game."

Edward was in shorts, so was Jazz. Alice and Rose were in bikinis and Bella had all the clothes, except my sock. She was a cheater.

"Whatever." I said, sighing. I flung the sock at her.

Meanwhile, Alice turned on the new H.D Radio and took her shirt and pants off of Bella and put them on. So did Rosalie, Edward and I. We left Jasper alone. He was sitting on the couch, swaying back and forth, smiling stupidly and humming the song for the frosted flakes commercial.

I started dancing and Alice helped Bella get into her regular clothes. Then Alice started dancing with me when I realized Bella was yelling at Edward.

"GIVE ME MY PANTS!" She screamed, grabbing Edward's pants. He held onto them, "Bella! These are _my_ pants!" He argued.

"GIVE MY ME RAPNS!" (Pants)

"Your what!?"

"GIVE ME TO THEM!" Someone was a little sdrawkcab**.**

Then the doorbell rang and Jasper stumbled to it. But I beat him.

"KODA!" I screamed, launching myself at her. She dodged neatly and Sarah yelled, "YEAH AND WHAT AM I!? NOTHING!?"

"SARAH!" I screamed, throwing myself at her too. She got tackled by me. And then I noticed Kari, impatiently tapping her foot.

"KARI!!!" I screeched. I hugged her so tightly I heard a "CRACK!" down her back.

"Emmett I think you just broke my back..." She said, breathless. I put her down, "Oops" i said.

Dylan got out of the car that they came in, "YAY! MY HOME SKILLITS ARE HERE!" I screamed.

"Come ON!" Koda said, tugging me by my hair inside of the house.

"OK! BUT! Bella and Jazz are drunk and Bella's yelling at Edward about his pants. It's quite interesting."

Then suddenly, THE WOLF PACK WAS THERE! Like "WA CHA!" 'n' stuff.

I noticed Sarah was all over Jacob and he was all over her. He probably imprinted or whatever it was.

Jasper then screamed "WHEE!" And picked me up, throwing me into the ceiling fan. My head got stuck, so I was going in circles n stuff.

---Alice POV

My head snapped back and forth between Bella and Edward as they argued, Kari came over to watch too.

"BELLA! THESE ARE TRULY MY PANTS!" He would shout.

"YEA! MY AS IN ME! AS IN..." She looked so stupid. She started pulling his pants again. Kari said, "Wow. Simply wow."

"I know. And I LIVE with them." I said, shaking my head.

"BELLA LET GO!" Edward screamed.

"GIVE PANTS! NOW! ME!" She screeched back.

"NO BELLA! I WILL-" he stopped because she hit him with a glass bottle. Kari and I started cracking up.

"HEY!" He screamed at her. He was actually angry. Wow. Angry at Bella.

"GIVE!" She screamed again.

"FINE! TAKE MY STUPID PANTS! I HAVE MORE!" he ripped off his jeans and threw them at her. "THERE YOU GO!"

She took them, and then looked at them, handed them back and said, "Here you go!"

He screamed and then stormed off.

"ALICE! HELP!" I heard Emmett yell. I looked up. He was stuck in the ceiling fan. I heard Dylan laughing at him. I shrugged and walked away, I started calling people.

"ALICE!" Emmett roared.

"SHUT UP! I AM ON THE PHONE! Hello?" I said.

"Alice?" Anna asked.

"Yep. I'm having a party in a few days. Bring people."

"OK!" She said. I hung up.

I was now happy that I had booked MCR. But now I had to get Capitan Dufus out of the fan and get Bella sober.

Great.

**Review**


	35. Party

**GUESTS;**

**Punkartgurl13 - Anna  
Ducksrule71821 - Sarah  
Miss88 - Melissa  
CrazyCrab - Haha a crab? Cassidy  
La Tun Cantante101 - Madison  
Mrsedwardcullen1 - I'm re-naming you to Jane. Theres an Idea. Actually your Alice #2  
Deedeekiss - Deedee  
Axure Bee - Bee**

"Is this thing on?" I said, pushing buttons on the H.D Radio, "And, playback!" I said, pushing the button.

"Is this thing on?... And playback!" I grinned, "Perfect." I hit the button and began recording,

"H.D Radio, Today Alice is throwing a wild house party and god knows what will come out of this. So I have to go do lots of stuff. And I also got Edward and Jasper presents! Well... I'm gonna go now!" I pushed the 'stop' button and the red recording light went off. I grinned, _H.D Radio_ I thought. I patted my pocket where what used to be Bella's I-pod now was at.

I skipped downstairs and screamed, "EDWARD, JASPER!" They appeared, "Follow me!" I said, running into the garage.

Edward looked at the black sheets covering two objects. One was shaped like a Volvo and the other like a Motorcycle.

"Jasper gets that one," I said, pointing to the one shaped like a Volvo, "And Edward gets that one!" I pointed to the one shaped like a Motorcycle. They looked like they were gonna cry.

Edward pulled his off and it revealed a shiny new Volvo! "What the heck? How was it shaped like Jasper's motorcycle!?"

Jasper pulled off his and asked the same thing "How was it shaped like a Volvo?"

"MAGIC!" I said, "Those are your blow up vehicles, unblown up." I nodded, "But now I have to go answer the door for people after I help Alice set stuff up!!! GOODBYE!" I ran into the house.

"MY BABY IS BACK!" I heard Edward scream.

"MY HORSE!" Jasper screamed. Horse? Oh well. I heard someone asking Alice were stuff went, I walked into the living room. It was the people who set up for My Chemical Romance. I saw Gerard Way, so did Jasper who just walked in.

"GERARD! OHMYGODIAMLIKEYOURBIGESTFANEVER!YOURARESOCOOLYOUROCK!ILOVEYOU!" (Oh my god I am like your biggest fan ever! You are so cool, you rock! I love you!)

"Um ok..." He said, looking a bit scared.

"Can you sign my shirt!?"

"Um... sure..." He inched towards Jasper and pulled out a sharpie, quickly signing the shirt. I heard Edward laughing.

----Edward Pov **(All thoughts are Gerard's unless I write who's thoughts they are)**

I heard Jasper scream about Gerard Way. So I read Gerard's thoughts.

_Oh god! I thought only girls were like this! He's all over me! Is he gay? Well... he is attractive... hmm... _

I started laughing. They continued talking, "Whats your name?" Gerard asked. _I wonder if he has a gay name..._

"Jasper!" Jasper squealed. _Gah! That's a sexy name!_

"That's a sexy name..." Gerard said. _Is he single!? Oh god I hope so!_

"ISN'T IT!? Alice says that all the time!"

"Alice?" _DAMN!_

"My girlfriend! She's the one who called!" I could imagine Jasper pointing. Then a picture of Alice shot through my head. _Damn! Shes hot too!! Are they models? Whoa! The blonde's mega hot! Wait? Who's the muscle guy? _

I was clutching my sides laughing.

"Alice? She looks nice." Gerard said.

"She's AMAZING" Jasper said. _I bet!_

"JASPER!" Alice shouted, "COME HERE" Someones in trouble.

---Em. POV

About two hours later everything was set and ready. THEN IT HAPPENED. The doorbell RANG. I ran to it and opened the door. IT was a group of reckless teens (Like me) bearing the names Koda, Sarah, Anna, Melissa, Cassidy, Madison, Jane/Alice #2, Deedee, and Bree.

"HI!" They all shouted.

"Yo. Come in! Were waiting for everyone before we do anything..." I said. They trampled me! They just ran through the door and over me. It was like being ran over. Oh well I'm fine.

They "oohed" and "ahhed" At the blue, purple, and green flashing lights and blasting guitar solo.

More people I didn't know were showing up.

"Hey!" They greeted me each time. After about 600 people were in our HUGE house the party started.

Gerard signaled for everyone to start. There was jumping and screaming. Koda and Sarah pushed there was over here after an hour. "DUDE! AWESOME PARTY SO FAR!" Koda shouted.

"I KNOW!" I shouted back.

"DUDE! IF YOU PICK UP YOUR FOOT YOU CAN FEEL VIBRATIONS COMING OFF THE FLOOR!" Koda screamed.

"I'M GONNA GO FIND JACOB!" Sarah shouted over Gerard's singing.

"OK!" I screamed.

Anna came up to me and grabbed my arm, "LETS START A MOSH PIT!" She shouted.

"TOTALLY!" Koda and I screamed.

We pushed to the middle, and Koda and Anna started throwing punches and kicking and screaming. It was amazing. The lights began to flash red and Jacob came over. He looked at Anna. And Anna looked at him. Then he was all over her and she was all over him.

"OMG ANNA I LOVE YOU!" Jacob screamed.

"OMG JACOB I LOVE YOU!" Anna shouted.

Sarah appeared, "OMG! YOUR CHEATING ON ME!? I HATE YOU!"

"OMG! YOU HAD A GIRLFRIEND!? DON'T LIKE EVER TALK TO ME!!" Anna shouted.

"NO! MY LIFE IS INCOMPLETE! I'M GONNA GO DO SOMETHING DUMB LIKE WHEN I MADE BELLA KISS ME OR I SAID I WOULD DIE! MY LIFE IS OVER!" Jacob shouted. He ran off and I just stared. The mosh pit was getting larger and the music was getting louder.

There was a table that had tons of food on it and this fat chick was hanging out over by it, eating.

Bee suddenly appeared and jumped on my back.

"WOOOOO!!" She screamed.

"GET DOWN!" I yelled at her. She frowned, but hopped down.

Deedee and Bree ran over to the food table and started flicking food at the fat girl. When she looked at them Bree would look away and Deedee would be pretending to get a drink. It was super funny. Alice appeared next to my elbow and shouted, "I WILL BE RIGHT BACK! MAKE SURE ANNA DOESN'T CLIMB ONSTAGE!" And then she disappeared.

I scanned the crowd and punched a few people, but not using my "vampire" strength, and then spotted Anna, she was onstage dancing with Gerard, and Frank. Before I could move some chick said, well shouted, "HEY! YOUR HOT! WANNA GO TO MY PLACE!?"

"I AM MARRIED!" I shouted, flashing my ring. Rosalie appeared scowling, and punched the girl. The chick went flying and I gave Rose a thumbs up before going to get Anna offstage.

I started shouting at her, "ANNA!" I screamed. She looked at me and waved.

"HEY EMMETT! AWESOME PARTY!" She screamed back.

"GET OFFSTAGE!"

"WHAT!? NO WAY!" She flipped her hair out of her face.

"GET OFFSTAGE OR GO HOME!" I shouted.

"FINE!"

She ran to the edge and jumped off the stage and started crowd surfing. Several people started coping her. I laughed when someone wasn't caught.

Edward looked hopeless as he was surrounded by girls. "EMMETT! HELP ME!" He shouted.

"NO! I AM BUSY!" I screamed. He scowled at me, and I shrugged. Then I looked at the girls. Three of them were Madison, Melissa and Alice #2 who I called Jane. Even though she hates that...

I pushed and shoved over there and shouted to the girls, "MELISSA, MADISON, ALICE #2!"

They all looked at me and grinned, waving.

"COME HERE!" I shouted, waving for them to come. Edward looked relieved when they left him.

We went to the kitchen were we didn't have to scream, but still had to talk loud.

"Dude, Melissa and Madison I need you two to set up guitar hero three in the dining room. Alice #2 I need you to set up any other game system. I've got 10 t.v's in that room."

They nodded. Madison grinned, and skipped off with Melissa. Alice #2 looked at me and said, "What game systems do you have?"

"You'll see!" I said. Then disappeared back to the living room. I jumped onstage when the song was over and took the microphone from Gerard, "Some people are setting up guitar hero three and game systems in the other room."

Everyone cheered, and I continued, "Also D.D.R!" I handed the microphone back to Gerard who grinned and began a new song.

I got offstage and poked Jasper, who was making out with Alice, "JASPER!" I shouted.

"WHAT!?" He was mad because he had to stop.

"WERE IS CASSIDY?"

"UPSTAIRS!"

"WHAT!?" I shouted.

"UPSTAIRS! SHES PLANNING TO DO SOMETHING STUPID!" Alice shouted.

"OK!" I screeched. I ran up the stairs but I stopped when I saw her, she had toilet paper. And she was eyeing Rosalie.

"CASSIDY!" I shouted. She jumped and almost fell down the stairs, "WHAT!"

"PUT THAT BACK!" I shouted.

"AWW!!!" She looked disappointed. She trudged down the hall, her shoulders slumped. I walked back down the stairs and Sarah and Koda tackled me,

"OHMYGOD! EMMETT YOU MISSED IT!" Koda shouted.

"YEA! YOU TOTALLY MISSED IT!" Sarah shouted.

"WHAT DID I MISS!?" I yelled.

"I ACCIDENTALLY KNOCKED OVER THE PUNCH AND THE FAT GIRL STARTED SLURPING IT OFF THE TABLE!" Sarah shouted.

"OH WOW! REALLY!?" I shouted.

"YEAH! IT WAS SO FUNNY!" Koda shouted.

"DUDE! LETS START ANOTHER MOSH PIT UP FRONT!" Sarah yelled.

"TOTALLY!" Koda agreed.

"THE FIRST ONES STILL GOING!" Sarah started laughing.

I walked away and into the dining room, the table and chairs we gone. But the games were all set up and there were a few lines of people watching, waiting, and cheering. Madison was battling Alice #2. Alice #2 was winning.

I heard someone shouting about someone on the chandelier. _Oh crap! Oh crap! OH CRAP! Esme will kill us if that breaks! CRAP!!!!! _I thought as I ran into the living room.

Anna.

Anna was hanging from the chandelier, and she was grinning and swinging back and forth while Melissa was squirting her with a squirt gun and Cassidy was throwing toilet paper into the crowd. Cassidy disappeared and reappeared with cans of silly string.

Anna was swinging back and forth, then she let go on mid-swing, did a back-flip and then was caught by the crowd. Melissa and Cassidy continued, while I stood staring at the chandelier making sure it wasn't broken. Then someone started throwing food.

And, obviously, a food/water/silly string fight began.

"NO!" I screamed in unison with Edward, Jasper, and Alice.

Cassidy disappeared once more and Alice's eyes got wide before she ran upstairs. Cassidy was probably going to throw her clothes. And I was right.

"NO! NOT MY CLOTHES!" Alice shouted as Cassidy brang out a bunch of tops and jeans.

Before Cassidy could even throw one, Alice had punched her in the face. Melissa laughed. The flashing lights started to get faster and the band played and sang louder as the fight continued.

Then something absolutely horrible happened.

Esme and Carlisle walked through the door. Their jaws dropped.

"EVERYONE GET OUT!!!" I started yelling that, over and over. Edward and Alice started yelling it too. Jasper held the doors open with Rosalie. Everyone dropped their stuff and RAN for the door. Esme and Carlisle stood there.

When everyone was gone, Esme looked up, "MY CHANDELIER!" She screamed, "WHO WAS ON IT!?"

Carlisle glared at us and said, "You guys are in so so SO much trouble." he spat the word, "From now on. Everyone in the living room now!"

We were on the couch in a flash.

"Who's idea?" Carlisle asked. Everyone, including me, pointed at Alice. Carlisle turned to Alice, "You didn't ask. You didn't call. You threw the party?"

"I planned it... but Emmett seconded my idea. And then Edward and Jasper got the decorations. And I called the band..."

I noticed the band was gone too, all their stuff still onstage.

"Alice, you are not allowed to shop. NOT AT ALL. Emmett, no games. Jasper, no games. No motorcycle. Edward no music. Rosalie, no make-up. YOU ARE ALL GROUNDED."

"NO MAKE-UP!?" Rosalie shouted.

Carlisle put a finger to his lips to silence her. She sulked in her seat.

Esme nodded, "AND you guys get to clean up. And you are NOT allowed to call anyone to help. You can't use your speed or strength to clean it up. Human way. I want this house spotless. SPOTLESS!"

"Um..." We all said.

"NOW, get cleaning!" They ordered.

_That wasn't the smartest idea... but it was a fun party..._ I thought. Edward nodded.

"Esme... wheres the windex?" I asked.

She pulled the bottle from her suitcase and stroked it, "My precious..."

I could only stare as she handed it over and then pulled out more cleaning supplies and passed them around.

**R to the E to the V to the I to the E to the W to the !**


	36. Mustachio

**I got yelled at by an old lady who was subbing for a teacher. And it was because of the Mechanical pencil of doom : ) Twas really my mustache. But it gave me an idea.**

Dear Mr. New Shiny Sparkly Diary of mine,

So I have decided to grow a Mustache! And since Edward broke my H.D Radio for Bella by dropping into the pit of death... I got you! So yeah... I'm gonna grow a mustache!

_Emmett_

* * *

"Edwardddd" I said.

"Yea?" He looked up from his laptop, curious.

"How do you grow a mustache?"

"We can't. We are vampires Emmett."

"OH! PSH! FINE!" I yelled, running to my room.

---Minutes later

"Emmett?" Alice asked.

"Yes?" I said.

"Why are you holding a pink mechanical pencil to your face?" She looked confused.

"It's my mustache of doom! If and when it falls off, all life will cease to exist!" I said.

"You know we have tape in Carlisle's office right?" She said, raising her eyebrows, "Because you obviously are too stupid to realize that we actually have tape and it can be used for your 'mustache' and then you won't have to hold it like-"

"THANK YOU ALICE!" I yelled, running to Carlisle's organized office.

Now... if I were tape, were would I be? "Tape... tape... tape!" I said, looking around. I ripped open his drawers and began throwing around the files and papers looking for the tape. I didn't find it.

I ran to the file cabinets and opened all of those, ripping out the papers and files. I threw them behind me in my search for the tape. When I didn't find the tape I turned around and looked at the desk. Then I saw it!

"TAPE!" I dove for it, knocking the laptop off the desk and breaking it. "Oops... oh well! TAPE!" I taped on my mustache. I was complete!

"AT LAST! MY FACE IS COMPLETE AGAIN!" I said, mocking Sweeney Todd.

I walked out and decided to go for a walk in the park. Show off my mustache.

I ran out the door and began to stalk Bella, who was walking to the park for some reason. I followed silently... then set off a car alarm. Bella jumped, then spun around, "EMMETT!" She yelled.

"I am not Emmett! I do not know this 'Emmett' that you speak of..." I said, changing my voice.

"Really? Then who are you?" She said, annoyed.

"I am... umm... the great Mustachio!" I said, striking a pose.

"Right. Why do you have a mechanical pencil taped to you face?" She asked.

"It's my mustache of doom! If and when it falls off, all life will cease to exist!" I said.

"Right-o then. I'm gonna keep walking see ya Emmett."

"I AM NOT EMMETT!"

"Yeah you are."

I was discovered! I did the last thing I could do, I pulled off my mustache.

Life was over!

I looked at the grass. It wasn't drying out and dying! And Bella rolled her eyes at me and walked away.

I ran back home like a little girl.

"Emmett!" Edward called.

"YO!" I said.

"Why did you want to know about mustaches?" He asked, walking into the living room.

"What are you talking about?"

"You asked me about mustach-" He got cut off.

"OHMYGOD! WHAT HAPPENED TO MY OFFICE! EMMETT CULLEN! GET IN HERE NOW!" Carlisle screamed.

"What did you do!?" Edward asked.

Alice-who was lounging on the couch- said, "He probably did something along the lines of, destroy Carlisle's office in an attempt to find tape for his 'mustache' so he could pretend his name was Mustachio." She was looking at a fashion magazine. Pft, figures.

"EMMETT CULLEN! I SAID GET IN HERE NOW!" Carlisle roared.

"I'm gonna go take cover... COMING DADDY!" I called.

"DON'T YOU DADDY ME! YOU ARE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE!" He screeched from his office.

Edward started laughing, so did Alice.

I did the one thing I could do, I ran upstairs.

Carlisle was fuming when I walked into the room, "WHAT DID YOU DO!?"

"I couldn't find the tape..."

"AHHHHHH!!!!!" He flipped out. He punched a hole in the wall, "YOU ARE GROUNDED FOREVER!" He screamed. Esme danced into the room and sprayed me with Windex.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"I'm doing the cleansing ceremony! IT HAS BEGUN!" She began doing an Indian dance in a circle, spraying me.

"Greatttt" I said.

"LULULULULULU!" She screamed, "THE HUNTING CALL!!"

**You know what to dooo, starts with an R, ends with EVIEW.**


	37. The Faux Fight

**This chapter will start kinda dull, but the botton is funny. I promise.**

Dear Mr. Diary,

Yep. Rosalie and Bella are fighting AGAIN. This could be interesting. : ) So Ima go see what up with em. Ttyl!

_Emmett_

* * *

I ran downstairs and sat on the couch, watching intently.

"I AM FAMILY ROSALIE!" Bella screeched.

"YOU ARE NOT!! YOU ARE THE DUMBEST HUMAN EVER! WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO BE A... A VAMPIRE!?" Rosalie screeched back. I smiled, I was so proud of them!

"I AM NOT THE DUMBEST HUMAN EVER! JUST BECAUSE YOU AREN'T HUMAN AND THE SUN DOESN'T SHINE OUT OF YOUR BUTT DOESN'T MEAN I CAN'T BE WHAT I WANT!"

"TOO BAD! AND THE SUN DOES IN DEED SHINE OUT OF MY BUTT BECAUSE I WANT IT TO!"

I looked at Alice and Edward, who were watching with worried expressions. Jasper was leaning against the wall, shaking his head.

"NO IT DOES NOT! I AM FAMILY GET USED TO IT _PRINCESS_!" Bella screamed.

"OH NO YOU DIDN'T!"

"OH YES I DID!" Bella said, snapping in a Z formation.

"BRING IT!" Rosalie said, crouching.

"OH ITS BEEN BRUNG!" Bella screeched at Rose.

Rosalie snarled, then suddenly, Alice was on her back, pulling her hair, and screaming, "She's going to be your sister! You will not attack her! Shut your fat mouth and suck it up whiny pants!"

Rosalie screamed back, of course. "NO! I WILL NOT! SHE IS BEING STUBBORN!"

"Rosalie you are being a jack ass." Edward said, standing next to Bella.

"Yeah! I agree with Edward!" Bella shouted.

Rosalie glared at Bella. "Typical! Get off me you midget!"

"The only way you'd be right Rosalie, was if your mom hadn't dropped you on your head. Or down the stairs for that matter..." Edward said, rambling on. I was in hysterics.

Rosalie rambed her back against the walls, which Emse had thoroughly cemented, and tried to get her off.

Jasper was mad now, he ran at Rosalie, "Don't you dare do that to Alice!" And he began to hit her. It was okay when Alice did it, but Jasper was way to emotional. He gets way too into these events. He should just relax and enjoy it. But now I had an idea.

"Jasper get the hell away from my wife!" I said, making myself seem suddenly serious. I ran and plucked Alice off Rosalie's back. I gave Alice a quick grin, before thowing her. Alice winked at me, and I went for Jasper. Rosalie took the opportunity to get Alice. She jumped onto her back this time.

"Get off me," Alice took a deep breath and shouted. "YOU FAT COW!"

"What did you say to me!?" Rosalie shouted in Alice's ear.

I dodged a blow from Jasper, "Missed me, missed me!" I taunted. Then the door opened. Esme's jaw dropped when she saw what was going on. She dropped her suitcase and ran out to get Carlisle.

"OHMYGOD!?" He shouted, "What happened?"

Everyone pointed at Rosalie and Bella.

"Oh well that explains it, carry on" He said, loosening his tie.

I blinked, looked at Edward, and he shrugged.

Rosalie jumped off Alice's back, and shockingly said. "I'm sorry Alice."

"I'm sorry Rosalie" Alice said.

Rosalie grinned and suddenly looked at Bella, then Jasper slowly looking back and forth.

Jasper's eyes got wide and he began talking, "Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! NO! NO! NO! NOT AGAIN! OH GOD! SOMEBODY SAVE ME!" He screamed as he darted upstairs. I heard the door slam.

"Wonder what his problem is." Bella said.

"You're about to find out." Alice said, grinning. She took Bella and scooped her up, then ran upstairs. Bella was screaming on the way, "OH GOD! EDWARD SAVE ME!" The door closed, then I heard it open, and two footsteps, then "HA! THERE IS NO ESCAPING!" Then a, "HEY! Let go of the door frame Bella! That's no fair!"

"YOU'RE FACE INSN'T FAIR!" Bella screeched at her, I snuck up the stairs and cracked my door open so I could see.

This was great.

---Ten minutes and a twitchy Bella later

"Rose! Get Bella in the car!" Alice demanded, Rosalie nodded, and took Bella. I shrugged and went into my room while they took Bella to the garage screaming.

"No, no! I refuse it! I refuse! No! Ah! The Alice Mobile! It burns! It burns!!!" Bella screamed.

I heard Alice run from her room, down the hall and into Jasper's room. Alice stopped outside my door and muttered darkly, "You didn't see anything." She had Jasper by his ankles and was dragging him down the hallway. I watched as his nails ripped out the carpet. Leaving a long row of missing carpet that Esme would flip out about. Then she was on the stairs, due to the "THUD! THUD! THUD!" As Jasper's marble body hit the stairs.

I chuckled, then heard Jasper scream, as no doubt, Alice hit the gas seconds later.

I also heard a "No! Alice watch out! Old lady alert!" Then a "Nevermind! I think she's dead."

And I could hear Bella screaming in protest. Then I heard no more.

Since Edward was home, I went downstairs to bug him.

"Hey Edward!" I said.

"What?"

"Hey Edward."

"What?"

"Hey Edward!"

"_What do you want Emmett!_" He was madder than he was last time I threw pebbles at him.

"Hey Edward!"

"SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE!" He screamed, holding a metal chair HIGH above his head.

"Hey Edward..." My eye twitched, "Were'd you get that chair from?"

**Review-o?**


	38. Froot Loops

**Emmett needs fruit loops. Tis all I have to say. Besides go watch the Harry Potter Puppet Pals.**

Dear Mr. Diary,

After being brutally beaten with a chair by Edward I have decided I need to move on! I have better things in my life to worry about. So I am gonna march right down stairs and tell my family the truth... I want Fruit Loops! And I will _kill_ for them.

_Emmett _

* * *

I marched down the stairs and into the kitchen. Everyone was watching Bella eat food that Esme made. Twas surprising she didn't drop dead.

Oops, too late. She just dropped dead.

"No! My life is over!" Edward screamed, "I'm going to Italy! Don't try to stop me this time!"

Bella sat up, "Oops, sorry! I thought it wasn't edible!"

"No! Wait... Yes!" Edward yelled as he hugged Bella.

"Get him off of me," She said in an undertone to me as I sat down.

I shook my head, "Everyone!" I shouted, they looked at me, "I have a confession!"

Edward rolled his eyes, put his arm on the table, and his chin in his hand. "Oh this'll be a good one." He said sarcastically.

"Finally admitting that you're gay then, eh?" Jasper chuckled, and Rosalie glared at him.

"No! Well... besides that! I _need_..."

"Yes?" They all said, leaning towards me. Except Edward. He just rolled his eyes again.

"Fruit loops!" I said, falling from my chair, to my knees, "It's all I've ever wanted in life! More than _anything_!"

"Watch what you're saying Emmett" Rosalie growled at me.

"No! It's true! I need a _big bowl_ of froot loops of my life is over!" I cried, slamming my fist on the ground.

"Ok, hunny! I will make you some!" Esme said.

"No! It needs to be store bought!" I cried again.

"Oh..." She did kitchen stuff while I laid on my side and used my legs to push me in circles as I sobbed.

"Here you go sweetie! Eat up!" Esme said, placing a bowl on the floor.

"What's this!?" I said, sitting up and looking into the bowl.

"What?" They all said, except Edward again.

"No...No spoon!? How am I supposed to eat this without a spoon!" I yelled.

Bella rolled her eyes but Esme got me a spoon. I took it.

"At last! My arm is complete again!" I said viciously, holding the spoon up in the air.

I scooped up a spoonful, and put it in my mouth.

"LE GASP!" My family shouted. Edward shook his head sadly and stood up to leave..

I started to gag. It was crap! I spit it out, and threw the spoon on the ground. Bella laughed hysterically at me.

"Laugh while you can!"

"I am so proud of you!" Esme cried, "My windex cleansing ritual and dance worked!"

"Actually... I was being stupid! Reckless! But that's all in the past! I'm a changed man!" I said dramatically.

"Yeah, speaking of change... I can smell your diaper." Jasper said.

"Le gasp!" I cried. Twas a catastrophe.

**Did I ever tell you that when they say 'gasp' they're actually saying the word gasp? I don't remember if I did or not...**

**Review**


	39. Emmett's Not Homeless

Dear Mr. Diary,

Esme was not happy with my "Fruit Loop" incident. Well that was because I spit it all over the kitchen. Yeahh. I wanna do stuff. Geez... I WILL NOT BE HELD CAPTIVE!

_Emmett_

* * *

I bounded up the stairs and barged into Edward's room.

"Edwardddddd!" I sang.

"Whattttttt?" He sang back.

"I dunno." I said.

"That's great."

"I'm bored!"

"Get a life." Then he muttered. "Bum."

"Foo, I ain't no bum! OK maybe a little..." I said, looking at my feet.

"Then get a life." He said, leaning against the wall. He folded his arms across his chest and sighed, "I don't know why you bother me. But it's a mistake on both of our behalf's."

Bee hives?

"Edward... I don't _have_ a bee hive..." I said.

"Not bee hive you idiot!" He shouted, and suddenly, POOF. Metal chair.

"Edward, put the chair down and I'll back away slowly!" I said, bending my knees and putting my hands up.

He narrowed his eyes and gave me a dirty look, but slowly put the chair down. I backed away.

Maybe I should be a radio for homeless people!

"Mommy!" I called.

"Yes?" Esme said, appearing.

"I'm gonna go be a radio for the homeless people!"

"Ok sweetie you do that!" Esme said.

"Alrighty!" I said. I ran out the door and looked for that swarming group of homeless people behind the ally.

At long last! I had found them!

"Food?" One of them asked.

"No, even better!" I declared loudly.

"Money?" They asked.

"Pft! No! I'm a radio!" I said.

"Humph!" They said, crossing their arms.

"Well fine! But listen! If I'm not good then... well I have a music teacher to stalk!" I said. "But if I'm good... I want to be one of you!"

They all shrugged and muttered, "Okay sounds reasonable."

"Ok," I said. I pulled out my portable microphone. "I need a mic check."

"HERE!" Mike said.

"Stalker!"

"Ummm... no... I'ma homeless guy... ARGH!!!" He said.

"Yeah, and I'm a boy." I said sarcastically putting my hands on my curvalicious hips.

"You arn't?" He looked disappointed.

"Nope... I'm a shemale!"

"My lifes ambitions! Gone! Just like that..." He looked at the ground and sighed. "I think I'll go prep!" He shuffled out of the allyway.

"Gay prep!" I said, and we all burst out laughing. "OK! I'm gonna sing now!"

Some cheered, and some threw lots of pointy objects.

_"Oh baby baby!  
How was I supposed to know  
That something wasn't right here!  
Oh baby, baby. I shouldn't have let you go!  
And know you're out of sight! YEA!  
Show me how you want it to be!  
__Tell me baby cause I need to know now! Oh, because_

_My loneliness is killing me (And I)  
I must confess still believe (still believe)  
When I'm not with you I lose my mind!  
Give me a sign! Hit me baby one more time!"_ I punched a homeless dude, and kept singing.

_"Oh baby Baby!  
The reason I still breathe is you!  
Boy, you've got me blinded!  
Oh pretty baby! There's nothing that,  
I wouldn't do!  
That's not the way I planned it!_

_Oh baby baby!  
How was I supposed know?  
Oh pretty baby, I shouldn't have let you go!  
I must confess, my loneliness is killing me!  
Don't you know I still believe that you will be here,  
To give me a sign!  
Hit me baby one more time!" _I punched a homeless lady,

_"I must confess (My loneliness) my loneliness  
Is (killing me) Killing me  
(I must confess) Don't you (I still believe) know I still believe,  
That you will be here (I lose my mind)  
And give me a signnnn!_

_HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME!" _

I bowed, and the homeless people cheered.

I was fabulous!

"ONE OF US! ONE OF US! ONE OF US!" They chanted.

I did it! I became homeless!

"Emmett, you _have_ a home. And a family, you idiot!" Edward said, appearing out of nowhere.

"That's what you want me to think!" I said.

"Mhm."

"EDWARD!"

"Yes?"

"I love you! I have a house! I'm so happy! I could... I could... I don't even know!" I cried, hugging Edward.

"Metal Chair," He threatened.

"Le gasp! You wouldn't!" I said.

"I would. Now come home."

"Psh, Fine. Bye homeless people who love me and want an encore!"

"Come back! You look fat around the thighs!" One of them called to me. "Iggie! Iggie start the fire!"

"No thanks!" I shouted, running away. Edward followed.

When I got home, Esme was waiting. "Where were you!? I've been up waiting all day! Where!? You didn't even call! I was so worried! Didn't you know to be home at two pm!?" She screeched.

"Mom... It's one thirty." I said.

"Oh..."

**Wow, I've just realized... There's always shouting and yelling in my chapters. Lol.**

**Review**


	40. The Misson

**Ahah, this chapter is killer.**

**GUESTS;**

**You all know Sarah by now!**

Dear Mr. Diary,

Edward is all nervous/happy. I dunno why. Bella moved in and they are now married. And they had their honey moon. Wonder whats up! I have a mission! It's top secret... and I can't work alone! I NEED MY MUSTACHE DISGUISE! And Koda and Sarah...

_Emmett_

* * *

---Two hours, three girls, and a group of vampires later.

"Bella!" Edward shouted to her from across the room. He held out his arms like he was going to grab her and hold her.

They ran across the room to each other in slow motion, and then hugged.

I made a gagging sound... and Sarah and Koda giggled. A lot.

"Bella! I have good slash bad news!" Edward said.

"Ohmygosh! Gasp! What could it be?" Bella practically shouted.

"I'm making you a vampire!" He yelled dramatically.

"Oh gosh! Do it now!"

"Ok!" He bit her. And sucked out all her blood meaning, she died!

Just Kidding!

"Oh my freaking god! The pain!" Bella shouted. Koda raised her eyebrows.

"We'll just be going now..." Sarah said. Koda nodded and they walked out the door giggling.

---A day and a half later.

We strapped Bella to the couch and we have to reasons why we did!

Reason number uno:

"Holy crap! Will someone just kill me already!" Bella screamed.

"Nah." I said while I was sprawled out on the second couch looking at pictures in a magazine.

"You wanted it, you got it." Rosalie called from the basement.

"Why must you be right!?" She shrieked.

We just stared and Edward held her hand.

Reason number two:

She tried to bite and or kill us all.

---Flashback

"I'm going to kill you all!" Bella screamed, holding up a knife with her shaking hand.

"Bella, you can't." Edward told her.

"Yeah I can!" She screeched.

"Whatever." Edward said, taking the knife.

"No, no! My weapo- Ah! The pain! The pain! Oh woe is me!" She screamed.

---Flashback ends

I stared at her and the silence went on.

Except for the screams of pain, "Ahh! Damn pain!"

I leaned over and whispered in Alice's ear, "She's worse than Jessica on her period!"

Alice giggled and Rosalie glared at me and said. "And how do you know that!?"

"Well..." I said.

"How!?" She demanded.

"Let's just say I was hiding in her closet..." I said.

"Why?" She glared at me some more.

"Well then, let's just say she has a variety of panties." I grinned. "I learned her secret!"

Rosalie smacked me for five minutes or so. Mean while Bella screamed, "You guys are idiots!" And. "Will someone kill me already!?" And various other sorts of... colourful, words.

I ignored her... and ventured off with Alice. I dunno why Bella doesn't like to shop with Alice! She has a great eye for color! I have new pants, and twelve matching shirts for each one. It's awesome!

Anyhow! Someone knocked on the door and burst my train of thought! Haha! TRAIN!!! HAHA!

Well... it was Koda and Sarah. My bess frans is always thurr for me. I'm a gangsta now! Hahah. Gangsta. I'm funny.

"Yo." Koda said.

"'Sup" Sarah said. They both put up their fist and yelled, "KNUCKLE TOUCH!"

I touched my knuckle to theirs. It was awkward... because Sarah was all like, "Ohmygod! I'm never washing my hand again!"

And Koda, dropped onto the ground, fainted. Then she stood up and mumbled, "If only I can get Edward to touch my hand..." And she walked into the house.

We stared after her. There was suddenly lots of noise. Mostly crashing, shattering, and lots of, "Get away from me!" From Edward.

And lots of, "But I love you!" Then finally, "Ha! Tripped you!" And then, "Damn!"

And then finally, "Gotcha!"

I looked at Sarah, and grinned, "Dude, let's totally capture Edward!" We said in unison.

"Totally!" Koda shouted from some were in the depths of my house. Then Edward, "Help me! No, no! I refuse!!" Then a flash of white was out the door. With Koda on his trail. I stuck out my arm and she ran into it.

"Ow! Ok, fine! Let's put plan Capture Edward Real Quick! Into action!" She grinned.

"What about Bella?" I said. "Someone needs to watch her."

"Isn't Alice home?"

"Shopping."

"Rosalie?"

"In Vegas."

"Esme or Carlisle?"

"L.A"

"Jasper?" Koda's voice was small and helpless. She looked at me with big glassy eyes.

"He'll do!" I said, not considering the fact that Bella was still half human and had blood. And that she smelled good.

I ran inside, "Jasper! Baby sit Bella! Me and my homies have plans!" I shouted up the steps.

"Ok!" He sounded, happy and anxious.

Oh well!

"Come on girls! To the Emmett Mobile!"

"Dude, that only works with Alice and the Alice mobile." Koda and Sarah said in unison.

I stuck out my tongue, "Fine! The creepy jeepy!" I said. "Now! Depart!"

"That works!" They said, running off.

**Review. **


	41. Capture Edward Really Quick

**GUESTS;**

**Obviously Sarah.**

"OK!" I said, pointing to various spots on the map as I spoke. "He could be here, here, or here."

"So Emmett... I go here..." Koda said, pointing. "Sarah goes here." Her finger traced in a circle. "And you go here?"

"Yeah." I said, brightly.

"I think we should try the meadow first. And together, Emmett's the only one who could catch him if he ran..." Sarah said.

"Wow! No wonder you're the smart one!" Koda said.

"Well..." Sarah said blushing. I think they're in love. Ick.

"Let's go!" I said.

"Ok! Time to put plan Capture Edward Real Quick also know as, C.E.R.Q, into action!" Koda and Sarah said.

"Into the Creepy Jeepy! Go, go, go!" I shouted.

Sarah jumped into the back, giggling and Koda went in the front.

---Ten minutes and reckless driving later.

"Edward!" Koda screamed, hurling herself at him.

"Good lord! They're everywhere!" He screamed, running. He hit a tree.

Koda and Sarah ran at him... And they actually got him.

"Get off! No! Don't touch me! No!" Edward yelled as they hugged him... a lot.

"Never!" Koda and Sarah yelled in unison.

"Ahh! Emmett help!" He screamed at me.

"Nope. This is amusing." I said.

"I love you Edward! Marry me! Not Bella! She's a non believer!" Sarah said to him.

"He's marrying me!" Koda shouted.

"No, me!"

"Me!"

"Me!"

"I'm already married!" Edward shouted.

They jumped off him. Koda muttered, "I'm never washing these clothes again"

Sarah grinned, "Mission complete!" They shouted.

Edward stared at them, as if questioning their sanity.

"Let's go home!" I called to the girls.

"Yay!" The girls shouted, slapping high-fives and running over to me.

Sarah and Koda hugged the crap out of me, "Oh gosh! The love! It burns!" I shouted.

"Shut up!" Sarah yelled.

"Yeah! What my awesome sister said!" Koda shouted.

"It burns!" I hissed.

"To the Creepy Jeepy!" They shouted, letting me go and running off for my car. Sarah tripped and fell on her face. I laughed.

"The what?" Edward said, suddenly besides me.

"The Creepy Jeepy." I grinned.

Edward sighed, and shook his head and then walked away smiling to himself.

I jumped into the Creepy Jeepy, turned the key, and hit the gas.

"Floor it!" Sarah yelled as I went past one hundred fifteen mph.

I grinned and pushed the gas pedal down. Sarah went flying over the front seats and into Koda's lap.

"Wicked!" They said in unison.

**Review?**


	42. Jessica's Crappy Secret

Dear Mr. Diary,

So... Today cause I'm bored, and it's sunny and since I'm all glittery and crap in the sun, I can't go outside... BUT! I can expose Jessica's secret! DUN DUN DUN! Yea... I think I will!

_Emmett_

* * *

I called Jessica, "Hey, Jess!" I said.

"Emmett!?" She sounded excited. She can't touch _this_ only Rosalie can touch.

"Yep! So I was wondering if you could come over and hang out for about an hour..." I said.

"Ohmygod!Yes!I'llberightover!Ohmygod,Mom!" She hung up.

Wow.

"Emmett!" It was Sarah... and her trusty sidekick, Koda!

"In my room!" I called.

They barged in, breathing heavily and laughing. "Emmett! DUDE! Edward dropped Jasper's x-box down the stairs and so Jasper broke Edward's piano. It's like world war three downstairs! You've got to see it! And of course, Esme's trying to move and clean everything as the fight goes along. It's hilarious!" Koda said in one breath. She put her hands on her knees and bent over, gasping for air. Sarah bit her lip and tried hard not to laugh.

"Dude that's amazing! I've always wanted a house war..." I said, then realized. "Oh crap! Jessica's coming over!"

They stared at me and burst out laughing. Koda fell onto the floor, clutching her sides.

I ran downstairs, with the girls behind me.

Two blurs were moving rapidly around the living room, which Esme had emptied. Alice sat on the table in the dining room, watching them, and eating popcorn.

"You broke my X-Box!" Jasper shouted, as Edward punched him in the gut.

"You destroyed my piano! Emmett didn't even do half the damage in chapter one!" Edward yelled back. Koda and Sarah were squinting to see.

"Nuh uh! You're a nutcase!" Jasper yelled, slapping Edward across the face. They stopped moving, Edward's head facing down and tilting to the side. His eyes moved to Jasper's face. "Oh no you didn't!" he said.

"Oh yes I just did!"

They were moving again. Koda and Sarah were right, it was funny.

Then there was a knock on the door, everyone froze, and Edward muttered. "We'll call it even, I'll replace your x-box you replace my piano, deal?" Jasper nodded and they shook on it.

"Hold on!" I called. I looked at Esme and the others. "Move the furniture back in!" I hissed.

In about ten seconds everything was in order and Koda bounced to the door. She opened it, "Jessica." she sneered.

"Whats-your-face" She sneered back.

"Ugly thing inside my house." Edward said in a sing song voice from the dining room.

"Edward!" Jessica sang back.

I heard Edward's door close, too quite for anyone but me and my family to hear.

"Oh, Bella... you got pretty.." She said, looking at Bella up and down.

"I know." Bella said, smiling. Edward was back downstairs, he took Bella's hand, and pulled her upstairs. Bella winked at Jessica, who's jaw dropped.

Jess shook her head, "Anyways! Emmett, you called me?"

Koda mouthed every word she said, and made faces while she did it. Also violent hand gestures and stabbing motions. Sarah laughed... a lot.

"Well... I wanted to tell my _whole_ family something..." I said, loudly. They would all hear me.

After a moment or so Edward, Bella, Carlisle, and Esme appeared. They were all standing in front of me, grinning. Alice obviously saw it, and Edward read it in our minds.

"So... Emmett, what did you want to say?" Jessica asked, grinning.

"It's not what you think... you're to preppy and ugly." Jasper muttered. He was sensing lust I think. Bella giggled and Sarah tripped Jessica while she walked towards me. She stumbled.

"Well, I have found out your secret!" I declared.

"What secret?" She looked puzzled. Yea, play it up! I'M ONTO YOU!

"Well, I know that you are really a boy!" I yelled. Everyone burst out laughing.

"What!? A boy!?" Jessica screeched.

"Don't deny it." I said, crossing my arms.

"Deny what!? I am not a boy!" She screamed. I pulled a pair of boxers out of my back pocket. "Really? So these were in your draw why?"

"Why were you in my room!?" She screeched. "Wait! You were in my room?" she sighed dreamily.

"Yea... kinda... Well anyways! You're a boy!" I accused.

"Am not!" She said.

"Then explain those!" Jasper said, laughing and pointing at the boxers.

"They are comfortable!" She said, snatching them.

"Right" Jasper said.

"I am a girl!" She shouted at him.

"Prove it!" Rosalie said. Obviously, none of us expected what happened next.

Jessica furiously pulled her pants and underwear (BOXERS) down.

"Oh good lord! The sight! It burns! I can't see! I've been blinded!" Edward yelled, running upstairs with his hands over his eyes.

Jasper screamed and ran into the bathroom. There were splashing noises. Koda and Sarah both fainted, and Esme gasped. Carlisle made an excuse to leave, looking away from Jessica. Bella ran upstairs screaming, "Ohmygod! My eyes! Edward, my eyes! I can't see the light!" And the door slammed. Alice backed away looking at the wall, and Rosalie's jaw dropped.

I ran into the closest room and shouted, "Go home freak!"

"I am not a frea-" She began.

Everyone in the house heard it and shouted, "Yes you are!" Then I heard the front door slam, then "Crud! I left my clothes inside! Let me in! I need my clothes!"

I laughed so hard. "No! I'm not letting you in! Go home!"

After the door slammed again Rosalie and Esme appeared, "You are in so much trouble." They both growled.

I looked at them then yelled, "Help!" as they dragged me against my will into the kitchen, were my punishment was waiting.

**Review?**


	43. Twenty Questions

**This chapter is something I did to my friend Kim in the hallway at school once. Lol.**

Dear Mr. Diary,

I am going to go play twenty questions with Bella. Or Edward. Or Jasper. Or Alice. Or some stupid homeless guy... Or Mike.. wait no.. he might rape me... Hm...

_Emmett_

_

* * *

_

"So... Bella..." I said. She glared at me and said, "What?"

"Well, I was wondering..." I said.

"Don't do it Bella!" Edward yelled down the stairs.

"Shut up Edward! Anyways!" I said.

"Well?"

"Do you want to play twenty questions?" I asked.

"Will you leave me alone if I say 'yes'?" She asked.

"Yep!"

"Ok then, sure!" She smiled.

"Ok... Whats your favourite colour?"

"Umm... Your mom."

"Ok... What's your cats name?"

"I don't have a cat."

"What's your favourite food?"

"Um... Emmett... We don't eat, we're vampires."

"What colour are Edward's underwear?"

"Pink."

"What color are yours?"

"Your grandpa's feet."

"What is your favorite song?"

"Our Song by Taylor Swift."

"What is your favourite store?"

"Hot Topic."

"What's your favourite thing in the world?"

"Edward."

"What's the name of my stuffed animal?"

"Foo Foo... he's the Foo with the Foo! Foo Foo."

"What's your favourite movie?"

"Sweeney Todd."

"What's your moms name?"

"Voldemort's nipple."

"What's your bands name?"

"I don't have a band."

"What's your socks colour?"

"Black."

"What's your drunken leprechauns name?"

"Steve."

"What's your hat say?"

"What hat?"

"What does your mom think about your face."

"It looks better than yours."

"What's your least favourite thing?"

"You bothering me."

"What's your favourite band?"

"Escape the Fate."

"What's your horoscope sign?"

"Virgo?" Sounded like a question.

"Why did you marry Edward?"

"Because I can, will, and did." She said. "Ok that was twenty now leave me alone!" She snapped at me, looking at her magazine.

"Wait!" I said. She forgot one thing!

"What?"

"You forgot to ask what the conclusion I came to is!" I said.

"What is your conclusion then?" She asked, grinding her teeth.

"I have come to the conclusion that you are Isabella Marie Swan slash Cullen! And you are not human!" I said smartly.

"Damn right I'm not human!" She said standing up, "Because that means, I can catch you and hurt you until you learn to shut up!" She screamed. I jumped up and ran off.

"I will get you!" She shouted as I ran into the forest. I knew I had seconds.

Then she was all here, there, and over there!

**I miss that day. It was really funny. Anyway, Review please.**


	44. Emmett's Boredom

**As many of you older readers knew, I had a story called Vampire IM, and this was the chapter that made the break off into that story. Well, as many of you ALSO know, it was deleted by the site because someone was either mad at me, or jealous of my story, and reported it. Along with two other stories of mine. So this chapter is just going to be Emmett's messing on aim. To those of you who read Vampire IM before it was deleted, I miss that story. It was awesome. So any jokes later in this story, or things that you find familiar, they're probably from Vamp. IM.  
Let's all take a moment of silence for that story. R.I.P Vampire IM... **

**Oh also, I know my stories were being targeted then, because all the other IM stories weren't deleted, and mine were deleted for being in 'improper format, aka, IM form, Note form, etc" So, whoever reported my stories, if you read this, thanks you asshole. Thanks a lot.**

Dear Mr. Diary,

I have no clue what to do today... especially after yesterday... And Bella beating the crap out of me... I think I'll go onto the Internet or talk my family into making IM's... or something... I dunno... I'm SO bored. I'm so bored I could sleep. And we can't even do that!

_Emmett_

* * *

I laid on my back, spread out on my bed. I sighed and stared at the ceiling. I sighed again and called Edward on my phone.

"What do you want Emmett?" He asked.

"Can you talk the family into making IM's for me? Please!?" I begged.

"You're bored too?" He asked.

"Yep..." I said, looking at the curtains now.

"Ok. Make yours and I'll talk to you in a few I guess... Might as well use Jasper too..." He muttered as he hung up.

Sweet. I talked Edward into something without him killing me... or attempting I should say.

I flipped over and grabbed my laptop.

I turned it on and went to AIM. And I started making my account.

**Sorry that you can't go read Vampire IM. It was truly amazing. And I'm not saying that because I wrote it. It really was the best of my works on here.**


	45. Edwardd's Banana

Dear Mr. Diary,

Today I ran over an old Lady's cat... so Esme took my car and license... Sucks... Anywhoo! So Edward is going to take me on a car ride because I begged him to!

_Emmett_

* * *

---In the Edwardd's Banana.

"You're driving really fast Edward..." I said.

"I won't crash!" He exclaimed.

"Yea, right! The only reason we aren't dead yet is because death is to afraid to get into the car with you!" I said.

He scowled, but just kept driving.

"Hey! Edward... so..." I said.

"No, you can't drive," He said.

"Please?" I begged.

"No."

"Meanie!" I crossed my arms and stuck out my tongue, and looked out the window...

"Give me the wheel!" I shouted, grabbing at it. He smacked me and we started fighting for the wheel.

"Emmett! Let go!" He shouted.

"Let me drive!" I shouted back.

The car was swerving. Then we hit a tree "Good lord! We hit a tree!" I shouted.

"What was your first guess?" he said.

"Um... well I dunno. Death tried to do us in."

"You're so stupid! Once again, you've ruined my car."

"Nope. You crashed."

His expression turned deadly.

"I think I'll walk home..." I said.

"It's eight hundred miles away you dummy."

"I can walk..." I said. "Well run, with my vampire speed."

"No."

"Pft. Fine." I crossed my arms and looked out the window. A terrible sight it was! "Oh god! We hit a tree!" I shouted.

Edward looked at me funny and started smacking his head on the steering wheel.

"Its true!" I said. He ignored me.

I watched the birds and the grass and Mr. Sunshine! Then looked ahead when I realized we weren't moving.

"Holy crap! Edward!" I screamed.

He jumped, "What!?"

"We crashed!" I shouted.

"No way! When did you figure that out?" He glared at me.

"Well... I dunno... I just looked out the window and was like 'Whoa! A tree!' ya know?" I said.

"Yea. We made a pretzel. I'm going to go home. You just stay here. Just stay." he said, getting out of the car. He slammed the door and dissapeared.

"Aye, aye! Captain Crunch!" I shouted, saluting him.

He disappeared. I sat there, humming.

---5 months later

"There you are Emmett!" Rosalie roared, pulling off the door. "You missed everything!" She was furious.

"Um? Everything? Like?"

"Our wedding!" She screeched.

"Dude, we've had like sixty weddings. Missing one doesn't ruin anything. We're still married." I said, looking down.

"Come on. We are going home!" She screamed, grabbing my ear.

I looked up, "But! Edward told me to stay here!" I cried.

"Forget Edward! You're an idiot for listening to him!" She screamed.

She dragged me away, "Ow! Not so hard Rose! That's my ear, not an unmoving brick wall! Ow! Damn!" I shouted, as she took me all the way home.

"No, no! No! I won't go! This isn't my home!" I yelled, trying to grab something before I got in the door.

---At home.

"Dude, Emmett I can't believe you listened to me!" Edward said.

I looked up, "Huh? You say something about missing something?" I said.

"Yep. Sure." He walked away.

"Emmett!" Alice shouted, running down the stairs.

"What?" I said, she was carrying something.

"I got you a suit!" She shouted, excited.

"For what?"

"Your funeral silly!" She said.

"Oh joy..." I muttered.

"Emmett!" Esme and Rosalie called from the dining room.

"Alice, I'm begging you! Kill me before they do!" I was on my knees.

"Sorry, I'd rather watch! In _fact _I'm going to record it! Here! Put this on!" She handed me the suit.

"Mommy!" I cried.

**Review.**


	46. Yo

**Just wanna let you all know,**

**i don't know when I will be updating. I'm writing a story and making it into a manga with my biffle (Bffl) and its fun : ) So yea.**

**Also I have no fresh ideas.**

**Yep.**

**I'll try to update soon.**

**Koda**


	47. Snow Idea

**This chapter is something I thought about doing while I was walking the dog in the park after all that snow : )  
I was laying in it when I got the idea.**

Dear Mr. Diary,

Since it snowed like... 6 inches outside I'm gonna go to the park and play!

_Emmett_

* * *

I walked around the path once then half way around when I got an idea.

I ran home and burst through the door, "People! All hands on deck! This is not a drill! Repeat! This is not a drill!" I screamed.

Everyone appeared. "What!?" They shouted.

"Do we have fake blood?" I asked.

"Why would we have fake- Ohhh" Said Alice, grinning, "I'm _so_ in."

Edward laughed. "Emmett you can't be serious?"

I nodded. " And I need a camera crew."

Jasper stepped up. "I'll record and shiz."

"I wanna be the murderer!" Alice shouted.

"Ok! Now we need fake blood..." I said.

"Be right back!" Alice yelled, running out the door.

---Seconds later

"I'm back!" Alice said running into the room.

She tossed little packets of fake blood to me, grabbed a knife and ran upstairs.

She ran back down with two wigs.

"Here Emmett. This should do the trick!" She put one on and handed me the other.

---At the park.

We went half way around and Alice stood in the woods to find a spot out of normal sight range.

I laid in the snow and squeezed the blood so it ran down from the corners of my mouth, into the snow. Then I sat up. While I worked on cuts, Alice appeared and made it look like there was a pool of blood were my head would be.

When we were ready Alice went back into the woods. And I stopped breathing so I would look dead.

Now for the wait.

---Five minutes later. Alice POV

A little boy and his friend walked by, then stopped. They backed up.

"Oh my god! A dead body!" One said.

The other kicked at Emmett, "Cool."

"This is not cool Andrew!" **Mind you, these kids are like... six.**

The one called Andrew said, "It is too! Look! He's dead, he's not breathing!"

"Let's go home and get Mommy!" The small one said, tugging Andrew's sleeve.

Now it was my turn.

I ran out of the woods with the knife and screamed. "Ah! You kids! I'll get you too!" They screamed... And ran off. When they disappeared, Emmett sat up.

"That's great." He said, grinning.

"Oh! Look! Here comes an old lady!" I pointed. He laid down and I ran back to the woods.

After about three minutes the old lady caught sight of Emmett.

"Oh my!" She gasped, "Hello? Are you alive?" She bend a little towards him.

He jumped up and screamed, "Boo!" just as I ran out of the woods, screaming.

"My heart! Oh!" She clutched her chest, fell over, and died.

"Lunch Alice?" Emmett asked me.

---Em POV. Five minutes later.

I ran into the door. Well through it, "Dude that was great!"

Alice came in behind me, caring the old Lady's corpse, "I brought lunch!" She screamed.

Jasper and Rosalie elbowed each other as they ran down the stairs.

Jasper successfully pushed Rosalie and she fell down the stairs. He hopped over her and to the corpse. He sniffed it... and drooled.

Alice dropped the body. "Help yourselves." She muttered walking away.

"Don't touch it! It's mine!" Rosalie shouted at Jasper.

"No way!" He screeched.

"Ultimate death match!" They screamed in unison. "Alice! Referee!"

---Three minutes, and an empty living room later.

"IN THE SOUTH CORNER, REPRESENTING THE CONFEDERATE ARMY, STANDING A TALL 6'3... WE HAVE," Alice shouted into a microphone, pausing for dramatic effects only. As if she wasn't loud enough, "JASPER WHITLOCK!" She pointed as Edward and I stared at them. Bella was laughing.

"IN THE NORTH CORNER! WE HAVE STANDING AT A SHORTISH TALL 5'8 WE HAVE," She paused again. "THE FREAKISHLY ANNOYING PREPPY STUCK UP CHICK, ROSALIE!"

"Hey!" Rose yelled.

"It's true" I muttered.

"Let the ultimate death match begin! Ding!" She backed up and watched with us as Jasper ripped out hair and Rosalie kicked Jasper where it hurts.

Then Esme did her "Windex Ritual Cleansing" thing.

**REVIEW! **


	48. Movies

Dear Mr. Diary,

I need a day of you know? I'm always sooo busy. So I've decided to take the day off... AND... then... Ruin someone else's!

_Emmett_

* * *

"So... anyone doing anything special today?" I asked as I walked into the living room.

Everyone looked bored. "No." they all said.

"Pft. You guys suck," I said, pointing at them.

Edward looked up. "I'm doing something with Bella today at Five."

"Cool. Where and what?"

"Why should I tell you?"

"I'm bored, curious, and wondering."

"Oh. We're gonna see a movie."

"Ohh... Ok." I grinned evilly and went upstairs.

---Five hours and a movie date later

I sat in the back row behind Bella and Edward. I hate a huge bag of popcorn, a cell phone, and various unknowns with me.

After twenty minutes into the movie I began to chuck popcorn at them.

They looked in the back but I ducked.

I continued to throw it and exclaim, "It's snowing!" and people were shushing me.

So after I ran out of popcorn and Bella was buired in it, I took out my phone.

I started texting Edward... Who was shocked when his phone went off.

He looked and text back, 'Emmett, leave me alone! I'm in the theater I'll get in trouble!' Good thing my phone was on silent. Haha! Success.

I wrote back, 'Too bad! This is important! Bella's truck got stolen!'

I giggled and no one looked at me. Thank god.

'What!?'

'Yep.' then I added, 'J/K Eddie! Ha! Gotcha!'

I turned off my phone and started opening up candy super loudly then eating and smacking my lips.

The person down the row glared at me but I kept making a bunch of noise.

Edward looked back but my new coat hood was up so he couldn't see it was me.

I then drank a lot of pop and started belching the alphabet.

"A! B! C! D! E! F! G!" I held the 'G' for a minute. "H! I! J! K! L! M! N! O! P! Q! R! S! T! U! V!" I held 'V' for a few seconds and continued, "W! X! Y! AND Z!"

Then a security guard came and kicked me out.

"Fine!" I shouted as the fat guard locked the doors on me.

---At home.

I sat on the couch, laughing as Edward burst through the door.

"You dumb idiot!" He shouted.

"What?" I asked, playing innocent.

"You followed us to the movies and got us in trouble!" He screamed, grabbing a metal chair.

Esme walked in, "Now, now children! No fighting! Play nice!"

Edward dropped the chair. "Lucky" he muttered before disappearing.

I grinned and handed Esme a crisp fifty dollar bill.

**I've done this before. Well, close to it. I started throwing candy. And my friend threw a half eaten snicker bar. Lol. It hit some bald guy. And then she burped the alaphabet. This was during Iron Man. Lol. No one knew who was doing it though cause we sit top row, and we'd duck down. We're pro's. Ahaha**

**  
Review please.**


	49. The Most Random Chapter

**GUESTS;**

**ABCDinosaur - Jack (SHE IS A GIRL!)**

Dear Mr. Diary,

So I like totally have like... nothing to like do! So I'm gonna like... you know like... do like stuff...

See like ya...

_Emmett._

* * *

"Hey Edward!" I sang.

"What?"

"I like the things you do!"

"What!?"

"Hey Edward!"

"What Emmett?"

"If I could I would bite you!"

"Why?"

"And then you'd probably kill me, then I scream and say, 'You know how to make a breakfast taste... GREEAAT!' FROSTED EDWARD! IT'S WORSE THAN GOOD! IT'S DISGUSTING!"

Edward stared at me and Jasper came in.

"Sharron! I'm so confused!" He said. He was squinting with his arms outstretched, trying to feel his surroundings.

"You're not Ozzy! Shut up already!" Alice screamed from upstairs.

Jasper stumbled around like he was drunk.

"Hey Ozzy! My main man!" I said loudly.

Alice charged in, "He is not Ozzy!"

"Is so!" I said, putting my hands on my hips.

"IS NOT!" She put scowled.

"IS SO!"

"IS NOT!"

"IS TOO!"

"IS NOT!"

"YOUR NOT!"

"What?"

"Your not?" I said.

"I'm. Not. What?" She snarled.

"Um.. uh... On your period?"

"OH HOW'D YOU GUESS?" She said.

Edward coughed something that sounded like, "Mood swing"

Alice skipped away and Jasper stumbled around and began singing.

Then... it HAPPENED!

"The end of the world!?" Shouted some dumb ass in the studio audience.

No not the end of the world!

The doorbell rang... Twice!

Le gasp! It's a... um... a word the author of this stupid story that's oddly amusing can't spell and is too lazy to look up so therefore you shall remain clueless while she chats with people on myspace and gmail who aren't you! PLEASE HOLD!

I ran to the door.

"Emmett!" Jackie yelled.

"Jackie!" I yelled. "Why are you holding a box of q-tips?"

"I dunno."

"And a bottle of super glue... and duct tape, rope, candy, money, free stuff, and purses."

"Oh you know... natural reasons..." She shoved past.

"Oh Alice!" She called.

Alice ran into the room. "I smell Marc Jacobs!"

Jackie held the purse above Alice's head. "Sit!" She commanded.

Alice sat. She also started panting and whining.

"Quiet! Stay!" Jackie backed away, then moved forward. "Good girl! Now speak!"

"Woof, woof!" Alice barked.

"Good girl!" She said, and tossed Alice a purse. She caught it, "Ah! It's the new one I haven't stolen yet!"

Jackie held up another one and that's when I realized that Edward was recording this. "Roll over!"

"Ah! The other one I haven't stolen!" She rolled on the floor, twitching. "Gimmie!" She whined.

Jackie tossed the other five purses at her. And Alice has a seizure.

"Now for Jasper..." Jackie muttered.

"Jasper!" She sang. She put super glue on the chair. A lot of super glue.

"I'm so confused!" Jasper said, stumbling over.

She pushed him into the chair and he instantly got stuck. Then she tied him and duct taped him.

"No!" Jasper screamed when he tried to get up.

"Yes! Ha! Now you know cause it's Emmett's and Jackie's super lame show!" Jackie and I sang together.

"Staring me! Jackie! And the gayest kid ever! Mike Newton!" I said.

"Yes, yes! Hold the applause. I know you love me. I know, I know." Mike said, walking onstage.

"No one was clapping..." I said to him.

"Screw this," Jackie said, she pulled out a tazor and shot Mike.

"That's better!" I said.

"WOO!" The studio audience screamed.

"Now that's an applause... See you next week! On Are You Smarter Than Jackie?"

"Emmett, shut up!" Jackie said.

I stuck out my tongue. Esme walked in and Jackie handed her a hundred dollar bill, "Keep it secret! Keep it safe!" She whispered, as Rosalie dragged Mike's body into the kitchen...

"And that's all the time we have for now! We'll be back after these following messages!" Edward said.

"Take the deal Howie!" Some random person screamed.

Howie from Deal or No Deal walked out, "I'm the one who runs the show! Not the person guessing!"

"Ohh!" The person said. "I get it!"

"No deal!" Edward shouted, slamming the glass box down, smashing it and breaking the table. All in one move.

"Ooh Edward-o's in trouble! He broke Carlisle's coffee table! Ooh!" I said in a taunting voice

"Crap..."

**This is probably my most random chapter...**

**Review?**


	50. Appliance Center

Dear Mr. Diary,

I have decided to go... TO THE APPLIANCE CENTER! I heard now that they are better than EVER! See ya!

_Emmett_

* * *

"Hey guys!" I shouted, running down the stairs.

"What?" They all asked.

"Let's go to the Appliance Center!"

"No."

"Pft! But now they're better than ever!" I protested.

They all scrambled up, "Give us a minute!" Bella yelled as they all scrambled.

---In an alley.

"This is sooo not the Appliance Center!" Rosalie said.

"Well yeah it is!" I said, "Look at the sign!" I pointed at the sign on the dumpster that said "Aplance Cnter"

"Is that english?" Alice asked.

"Duh, if Emmett can _read_ it, it must be" Edward said.

"Hey! Wait, what?" I was totally confused.

"See?" He said.

"Yep." Everybody agreed.

"Well... Um.. I am smart!" I said.

"Really? So... why are we in an alley?"

"It's... the aplance cnter!" I said.

"Right... I'm going." Edward said.

" Jasper shouted.

Then suddenly! Hobo fight!

"Who shouted!? Was it Fred?" Some random hobo shouted.

"Naw it wasn't me!" The one named Fred shouted.

"You're shouting now!" The hobo screamed.

"So are you George!" Screamed Fred.

We all kinda just inched away...

"We'll be leaving now!" I called as Fred roundhouse kicked George and George bit off a chunk of Fred's leg...

Well... as there was blood... Jasper... Well... Had an "accident"

"FO SHO!"


	51. Edward's Idea

Dear Mr. Diary,

I figured out how to use a hair straightener! I practiced on Bella! After she got back from the burn place at the hospital. I dropped the flat iron... twice... in the same place... and it was on high. The burns weren't _that_ bad. Edwards mad though, which makes me sad. But Bella's glad, which makes me mad, and now I'm confused. Yeah... I'm going to do something really dumb...

_Emmett._

* * *

"Edward can you give me a stupid idea?" I asked.

"Sure!" He said.

"OK!"

"Jump off a cliff and DIE."

"Sure thing!" I ran out the door and over a cliff that randomly appeared.

I hit the ground but didn't die.

"DAMN MY SUPER VAMPIRE CAN'T DIE POWER!"


	52. Jacob

Dear Mr. Diary,

Since Edward thinks I need to do stupid stuff... I SHALL!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA...Ha?  
Yeah...

_Emmett._

* * *

"Omg!!" I said.

"What now Emmett?" Edward-o asked, "And yes I know that you just put 'Edward-o' in my name after I said 'What now Emmett?'"

"Whoa!" I was like 'omg' well anyways, "I need more stupid ideas"

"Ok go drown yourself and die."

"Isn't that the point of drown?" I asked.

"Just do it!" He shouted.

"Ok commander!" I said.

---A La Push!

"Why are you here leech?" Jacob asked as I walked towards the cliff edge

"Well duh, last time I wanted to fly... This time I wanna drown!" I said cheerfully.

"Suicidal much?"

"Naw, Edward's giving me dumb ideas!" I said.

"Oh." Jacob, "well in that case! It was nice knowing you! Have a nice trip! See you next fall!" He stuck his leg out and I tripped, and fell.

"WEEE!!" I shouted. Then I hit the water.

Ok. I'm now at the bottom now... WAIT!! THIS WAS A SET UP! I CAN'T EVEN BREATHE! SO HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DROWN!?

I came up to the top, "DAMN YOU SUPER VAMPIRE CAN'T DIE POWER!" I shouted.

Then Jacob was next to me, holding my hand "Omg! You're so brave Emmey-poo! Marry me!" He said, fluttering his eyelashes.

"Did you just imprint on me?" I asked.

"By golly good gosh! Of course I did silly!" He hugged my arm.

"DAMN YOU EDWARD!" I shouted.


	53. Break Up

Dear Mr. Diary,

Jacob imprinted on me. Thanks Edward.

_Emmett._

* * *

I skipped down the steps and tripped, fell and rolled down the stairs.

"Ahahah! You fell!" Bella started laughing.

I got up. "You fall more than I do!"

"Pft I do not!" She smiled and walked past me.

I stuck out my leg. There was a scream and a thud.

"Emmett! What did you do!?" Edward screamed.

"Bella fell." I said. Then I ran.

I opened the door and there was Jacob.

"Hey Emmett I made you muffins!" He said sweetly handing me a box.

Pft. Stupid imprinting wolf... "Oh! Muffins!" Muffins are magical!

"I love you too sweetie!" He said.

I stopped, and backed away. Then ran out the door at full speed.

"Wait! Were are you going!? You didn't even give me a hug!" He screamed.

"You suck!" I screamed back.

"It's over!"

"Good!"

"You don't love me?" He said in a small voice which with my awesomely sweet vampire hearing skills, I heard.

"Naw man."

"Fine!"

Well he's gone now. Yay!

I got home and Edward, Jasper, Rosalie, Alice, and Bella all stood there with their arms crossed.

"Smooth Emmett." Alice said.

"What?"

"You're supposed to be sensitive!" Bella said.

"Yeah you can't just break his heart like that!" Jasper said, throwing his hands up in the air.

"You would know." I muttered. Emo kids.

Edward laughed, "Emmett I wouldn't think that if I were you."

"What?" They all asked.

"Nothing." He said.

"Emmett you need to go make things right between you two!" Rose said.

"Does that require dating him?" I asked.

"Yes." She said.

"But I'm married to you." I said.

"Just do it!" They all yelled.

"God Emmett. You can't just leave him like that. Guys have feelings too!" Jasper and Edward said.

"Yeah you two would know."

"Duh cause they're_ sensitive_. Unlike _some_ people" Alice said.

"Yeah! God Rose." I said.

"I'm talking about you Emmett."

"Oh."

"Now go make things right!"

"I can't."

"Why?" They asked.

"I don't love him! It's not the same!" I cried.

"Oh... well if you put it that way." Rose said.

"What?"

"You can tell him you two can be friends"

"Fine."

---Five seconds later.

"Jacob we can be friends." I muttered.

"I LOVE YOU TOO BOYFRIEND!" He shouted hugging me.

Damn it.


	54. Goodbye Jacob Black

Dear Mr. Diary,

Jacob thinks I love him! He won't go away!

_Emmett_

* * *

"Jacob stop calling!" I screamed into the phone hanging up.

"Was that Jacob?" Edward shouted.

"Yeah!" I said, "He won't stop calling!"

"I can see that! That's the tenth time in the last three minutes!" Alice said, walking into the living room.

The phone rang.

Black.

I picked it up, "Jacob _stop_ calling me!"

"But I love you!" He said.

"I don't care!"

"But, don't you feel the connection?"

"Nope." I said.

"Why don't you love me!"

"I'm not gay! And I have Rose." I said.

Rose looked at me, "Oh no you didn't!"

"Oh yes he did!" Alice said.

"What did I do wrong!?" Jacob said.

"Everything!" I said, "Now stop calling!" I hung up.

"Man!" Alice said.

"We have to get rid of him!" I said.

"Yeah but how?" Alice said.

"This is calling for extreme measures!" I said. I grabbed the extreme measure tape.

"Mhmm!" Rose said.

"Man! My waist is getting bigger!" I said dropping the measuring tape.

"Why did you measure yourself?" Rose asked.

"I said _extreme measures_ duh!"

"Um..." Rose walked away.

"Now! For the _extreme_ part!" I said.

"Ok! Oh nice plan!" Alice said, "But I don't think egging his house will work..."

---Ten mins and one egged house later.

Jacob came out, "Hey why did you egg my house!?" He shouted.

"Um!" I said.

"Oh! It's _you_!" His eyes lit up.

"No, no! Stay away!" I screamed as he ran toward me and jumped onto me.

"Let me go!" I said.

"No!" He wouldn't stop hugging me.

"I don't like you Jacob! Now stop hugging me!" I said.

"Fine!" He let go.

---One hour later at the house.

"Alice! Lets blow up his motorcycle!"

"Ditto!"

---Ten minute later

"Light the fuse!" I shouted.

Alice lit it. "Fire in the hole!" She yelled.

"TAKE COVER!" I shouted.

Then Jacob ran out, "No! My bike!" He ran to it... And it exploded.

"Um Alice, I think we killed Jacob..."

Sam came out. "YES!" He shouted, "FINALLY!"

"Dude is he dead?" Embry asked.

"Yep!" Sam said.

"Finally!" he said.

"Yes! He's gone!" Jared shouted.

"Um... Arn't you guys like... His bff's?" I asked.

"Psht. _Were_. He never shuts up anymore." Sam said.

"Yeah." Embry agreed.

"Ditto." Jared said.

"Oh... So you don't care that we blew him up on accident?" I asked.

"Nope."

"Ok so then Alice and I are just going to be... Leaving now..." I said.

"Yep! Bye!" They said waving.

---Three hours later.

"He's gone! Yes!" I said, dancing.

"You blew him up?" Bella asked, shocked.

"Yeah! But! He ran out to the bike when it blew up!"

"OMG! Murderer! I still loved him!" She cried, running from the room.

The phone rang.

"Hello?" I said.

"I still love you!"

**Jacob's creepy 0.0 lol.**


	55. A Ridiculous Idea

Dear Mr. Diary.

I'm bored.

_Emmett_

* * *

"Esme!" I called, walking down the steps.

"Yes?" She asked appearing.

"I'm bored."

"Oh. Well do something fun."

"But there's nothing to do."

Alice appeared next to me. "I have an idea!" She said.

"What?" I asked.

Edward yelled from upstairs. "No! Don't tell him! He'll do it!"

"Hobo fight! With the hobo's from behind the dumpster!" She said.

"Yes!" I said. "That's brilliant." Alice and I high fived. Esme beamed at us.

"Have fun you two!" She said.

"Okay. So we need a plan..."

---Five minutes later.

"Well! Let's get cracking!" I shouted.

"I'll get Fred and George!" Alice screamed.

"I'll set up the room!" Esme shouted.

"I'll get the free food!" Bella screeched.

"I'll go to the bathroom!" Edward shouted.

We all stared at him...

"What?" he asked.


	56. Battle of the Hobo's

_PREVIOUSLY!_

_"Well! Let's get cracking!" I shouted._

_"I'll get Fred and George!" Alice screamed._

_"I'll set up the room!" Esme shouted._

_"I'll get the free food!" Bella screeched._

_"I'll go to the bathroom!" Edward shouted._

_We all stared at him..._

_"What?" he asked._

* * *

---Three hours later...

"I have Fred and George!" Alice shouted running into the living room with the hobos.

"I have the free food!" Bella screamed.

"Where!?" Fred shouted.

"Can it old guy! It's mine!" I screamed.

"The living rooms ready!" Esme yelled.

"I'm still in the bathroommm!" Edward sang.

---Five minutes later.

"Ok!" Alice said. "In the West corner we have Fred! Who would be standing at 5'7 but seeing as he's hunched over and smells... he's only 5'3!"

"Hey!" Fred shouted.

"Did I mention old? Alice said, "And in the East corner we have the other Hobo! George. Who would also be standing 5'7 if he weren't hunched over! But cause he is... he's 5'4!"

Then we all shouted, "Winner gets free food! Ding!"

And the fight began...

---5 minutes later.

"My hip!" Fred shouted.

"My leg!" George shouted.

"My foot!"

"My armpit!"

"My back!"

"My underwear!"

"My everything!"

"You guys are losers! No wonder you're hobos! No free food for you!" I said.

"What!?" they shouted.

"You heard me! Yeah that's right! No food! Cause you SUCK!" I was taunting them.

"Get out of my house!" Esme yelled.

"No." George said.

"Anyone up for dinner?" Jasper asked.

"Yes!" I shouted.

"Save some for me!" Edward called from the bathroom. "Stupid turd! Get. Out. Of. My. Butt!"

"Never!" Shouted the turd.

"Oh good lord! It talks! Help! Somebody get the plunger!" Edward screamed.

We all stared at the bathroom door.

"Well, someone has to go in there." I said.

Alice looked at me. I shook my head. Esme stood up. "I'll do it." She cocked her shotgun which suddenly appeared in her hands. "Let's do this!" And with that, she kicked down the door, and opened fire.

We just stared at her.


	57. Tickets

**This chapter involves Tokio Hotel. I remember when I liked them and everyone told me they sucked and looked like chicks. Now those very people are obbsessed with them... And I almost got to go see them live August 11th 2008 but my dad didn't have money for a ticket. Ugh.**

Dear Mr. Diary,

I feel like going to a concert. So I think I'll go take money from Bella and buy tickets.

_Emmett_

* * *

"I wanna go to a concert!" I screamed.

"For who?" Everyone asked.

"Well... I don't know!" I said.

"Oh, oh, oh!" Jasper shouted, "Tokio Hotel! Tokio Hotel!"

"Yeah!" Alice, Bella, Edward, and Rose shouted.

"Ok!" I said.

"Tickets are like sixty bucks though..." Esme said... Looking online?

"So weres the concert?" I asked.

Jasper looked at me, "Dude, Headliners"

"Yeah Emmett get with the program!" Alice said.

Well pft, fine! Be snotty to me!

"Um... Ok?"

"Ohmygod! Bill Kaulitz is so hot!" Jasper and Alice said.

"Umm Jasper? Are you like gay?" I asked.

"No! But Bill Kaulitz looks like a chick and even though he's a boy I still want him!" Jasper shouted.

"Yeah if he was a chick I'd still want him too!" Alice said.

"Ohkayheyheyhey." I said. Creeps...

---Three hours later.

"Here's the tickets kids!" Esme yelled.

"Woo!" Everyone screamed and ran downstairs.

When I got down there... Everyone had a ticket except for me.

"Hey where's my ticket?" I asked.

"Well there was only four tickets left." Esme said. "And Jasper, Alice, Rosalie, and Edward all got them first"

"That's so not fair! This whole thing was my idea."

Everyone grinned at me, then ran.

---

Well Mr. Diary,

Turns out I didn't get to go...

Damn them.

_Emmett._


	58. Pony time

**I think I'm seriously Ending D.M.D soon. I'm planning on 2 new stories and now I have to take care of Fort Alice and Vampire IM.  
So Dear Mr. Diary's ending soon. :( I shall miss it!**

Dear Mr. Diary,

I want a pony. And he SHALL BE MY PONY! And no one else can touch it!!

_Emmett_

* * *

"ESME!" I called.

"WHAT!?" She screamed, trying to make cookies.

"I want a pony!" I whined.

"No way!"

"Please!"

"No! Remember last time!?" She said.

Oh she just HAD to bring THAT up.  
She did NOT just go there!

--Flash back to five minutes ago!

"ESME!" I called.

"WHAT!?" She screamed, trying to make cookies.

"I want a pony!" I whined.

"No way!"

"Please!"

"No! Remember last time!?" She said.

--End flashback.

Man I cannot believe she just went there!

"Emmett that was the wrong flashback" Edward said from the doorway.

"Well... WELL! Um... Sorry?" I said.

"Rightt."

"GO SNOG BELLA!" I shouted.

"WO-WHO!" Bella shouted from the other room.

"Bella don't get your hopes up!" I heard Jasper say.

"Awuhh" She said.

"WAIT! I HAVE FORSEEN..." Alice began.

"Yes?" Bella asked.

"Oh wait, never mind!"

"What!?" Bella whined.

"SHUT UP!" Alice shouted.

"MAKE ME!"

"I'll be right back Emmett..." Edward said, leaving to stop the would be fight.

Idiots.

"Emmett, you're the idiot" Edward called.

NO!! Who told him!?

"JUST GIVE THEM THE RIGHT FLASHBACK ALREADY!" Esme screamed. She began beating me with the cookie sheet pan thingie.

"OW! OW! OK! OK! GET OFF!" I screamed.

"NEVER!" She screeched. Then she stopped.

Crazy.

"GOT THAT RIGHT EMMETT!" Edward called.

"MIND YOUR OWN BUISNESS!" I screamed.

"I WILL WHEN THE AUTHOR OF THIS STORY CAN SPELL THE WORD BUISNESS!" He screamed back.

**A/N my bad :)**

Anyways! TO THE FLASHBACK!

"The CORRECT flashback!" Edward said.

"SHUT UP!"

"Ok ok!" He said.

--Flashback...

5 years ago...

"Esme I want a pony!" I said.

"Why?"

"Because they're magical!" I said.

"Ok! Heres the credit card, just get eveything you need!" She said, handing me the card.

"Ok!" I said, running off.

--5 hours and a pony later.

"ONWARDS PONY! ONWARDS!" I screamed.

"Emmett... You crushed it!" Alice said.

"Are you calling me fat!? ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT!?" I screamed.

"Um yeah..."

"Darn it!" I snapped.

"Yeah well you killed it!"

"EMMETT! YOU WASTED ALL THAT MONEY!!" Esme screamed.

"Um no... It WAS alive when I bought it..."

"NO MORE PONYS!" She screamed.

"BUT!" I protested.

"NO!"

"BUT I-" I began again getting off the pony. Well the flatish pony.

"NO! NEVER! Now clean up this mess!" She screeched, walking into the house.

Jasper appeared, leaning over the pony, drooling, "DINNER! ALRIGHT! I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO HUNT!"

"Eh hem!" I said.

"Oh right... would you like some Emmett?" He said.

"IT'S MY FRICKIN PONY! AND I WANT TO EAT IT!" I screamed.

"OK! OK!" He said. Backing away.

"THATS RIGHT! BACK AWAY FROM MY DINNER!" I shouted.

"EMMETT SHUT UP AND EAT IT!" Esme screamed from inside.

"FINE!"

--End flashback.

"No wonder you can't have a pony!" Bella said, laughing at me.

"So..." I said, "I can't have a pony... But you can Bella!"

"What are you getting at?"

"You can get one and give it to me!" I said, "Esme will never know!"

"YES I WILL!" She screamed from the forest.

"DRATS!"


	59. Locked doors and windows equal tag?

**This is what I come up with at 6am when I'm trying to sleep.**

Dear Mr. Diary,

I have evil plans! I'm going to braid Bella's hair!

_Emmett_

* * *

"BELLA!" I screamed.

"WHAT!?" Bella, Koda, and Alice all screamed back.

"I WANT TO BRAID YOUR HAIR!" I screamed.

"NEVER!" Bella screamed.

"TO BAD!" I ran into the room.

"QUICK! LOCK THE DOOR!" Bella screamed.

"Like _that _will keep him out. A locked door." Koda said.

"So!? It's better than nothing!" Bella said.

"Right"

I charged at the door.

"DO IT!" She screamed.

The lock clicked and I slammed into the door.

"NOO!!" I screamed, scratching at the door.

--Bella's pov.

"DO IT!" I screamed.

Alice locked the door. Than there was a thud noise as Emmett slammed into it.

"NOO!!" He screamed. Then he started scratching the door.

"No! No! Bad Emmett! Stop scratching! Stop it!" Koda said.

"Fine!" He called, "But I will get in there!"

"Emmett we LOCKED the door. You're a V-A-M-P-I-R-E. You shouldn't be stopped by a locked door." Alice said, sighing.

"What does that spell again?" He asked.

Alice smacked her hand against her head.

"Nothing" I said. He will not get in! He will not braid my hair!

"Let me in!" He cried.

"Emmett the day you get in is the day you grow a brain; Never" Koda said. She started messing with her laptop.

"IM Edward Koda. Tell him to rescue us!" I said.

"Right. All we have to do is open the window and leave" She said.

"AHAH! THE WINDOW!" Emmett screamed. I heard him run off.

"Smart Koda." Alice said.

"QUICK LOCK THE WINDOW!" I screamed as Emmett appeared in the yard.

--Emmett pov

"AHAH! THE WINDOW!" I screamed. I ran off to the back door.

I made it to the yard and saw Koda locking the window. I went to it and tried to push it up.

"NOO!! IT WON'T GO UP!" I screamed. I tapped on the glass.

They shook their heads at me.

"LET ME IN!" I cried.

"No" Bella said.

"FINE!" I screamed. I stormed back inside to listen at the door.

"What an idiot! A locked window and a locked door shouldn't be able to stop him" Koda said.

"Yeah seriously!" Alice agreed, "Even I'm smarter than that!"

So I wasn't smart huh?

"JASPER!" I screamed, running into his room.

--Jazz pov.

"What?" I said, looking up from my laptop. I was IMing Alice.

"How do you get past a locked door!?" he asked frantically.

"They were serious?" I asked him.

I looked at my IM.

Jasper-So whats up?  
Alice-We locked the door to Koda's room and Emmett can't get in.  
Jasper-Are you serious?  
Alice-Dead serious! Hes to dumb to think of anything to do.

I looked at Emmett as he nodded and I bursted out laughing.

"OHMY" Gasp. "GOD! YOU CAN'T" Gasp. "GET THROUGH" Gasp. "A LOCKED" Gasp. "DOOR?" I fell off the bed laughing.

"Well can you help me or not?!" He said.

"Yeah" gasp "Hold on" I was still laughing as I went to Alice dresser and took a bobby pin.

"S go" I said.

--Emmett pov.

He grabbed a bobby pin and we were off.

--Alice pov.

"He asked Jasper to pick the lock! And he's going to! Quick! Out the window and to the Alice mobile!" I whispered.

"Ok!" Koda whispered.

"Grab a laptop and run!" I whispered back.

Koda grabbed hers and Bella jumped out the window. Then Koda. Then me. I shut the window silently and ran to my car.

We we're half way across the country by the time they found the room empty. Which was in 3 minutes.

--Emmett pov.

"THEY'RE GONE!?" I screamed, "HOW!?"

"They went out this window. And then in Alice's car. Wouldn't be shocking if they were half way across the country right now" Jasper said, looking at his watch.

Then his phone rang.

--Jazz pov.

"Hello?" I said.

"Hey Jazz!" Alice said cheerfully.

"Where'd you guys go?"

"Oh we're halfway across the country. If Emmett's up for a game of tag then let's play!" She said.

"Ok I'll tell everyone. So who's it?" I asked.

"Team two! Emmy, Eddy, and You!" She hung up.

"Hey Emmett, wanna play tag with Alice and everyone?" I asked.

"YES!" He jumped up and down.

"Alice, Koda, and Bella are team one. Get Edward and meet me in my new car."

"Ok!" He ran out the door.

--Emmett pov.

"YES TAG!" I screamed.

Edward appeared with a laptop and his cell phone, "Let's go!" He said.

And we met Jasper in his car. He sped off.

--Rosalie's pov.

I was furious. I called Alice.

"What?" She asked.

"I WANTED TO PLAY TAG TOO!" I screamed.

"Well we were already gone!" Alice said.

"GET BACK HERE AND PICK ME UP!" I growled.

"Ok! ok! See you in five!" She hung up but I heard Bella and Koda scream as Alice did something with the car.

Good, I get to play too!


	60. Tag You're It!

**I wanna rock and roll all night... And party everyday!  
:) Kiss! :D Lmao. I miss guitar hero 3 :(**

Dear Mr. Diary,  
Now I have to go find Bella, catch her and eat her!  
Well... You know; Braid her hair! Give Alice a manipadi! Tell Koda shes ugly... You know! The such and such!

"EMMETT STOP WRITING AND DRIVE!" Edward yelled.  
"I'M TRYING TO WRITE! SHUT UP!" I shouted.

_Emmett_

* * *

"Emmett move over!" Edward said, trying to get behind the wheel.  
"NO! NO! I WANNA DRIVE! I WANNA DRIVE!"  
"MOVE!"  
"NO!"  
"Emmett move, or so help me..." He began. I blocked my thoughts, leaned across the seat...  
Opened the door and pushed Edward out. Then closed the door and floored it.  
Jasper climbed over the seat, "Nice one Emmett"  
"It's what I do" I said putting on my sweet ass sunglasses.

Edward's pov.  
Emmett reached over me and opened the door.  
And then pushed me out. I rolled into a ditch and got up.  
"YOU IDIOT!" I screamed at the small dot in the distance which was the car.  
I decided not to follow them. If we're playing tag... They should come looking for me.  
I started to walk east...

Alice POV  
Koda turned up the radio as loud as it would go and began screaming the words to Slipknots new song, "Psychosocial"  
_"I did my time  
And I want out  
So abusive, fate  
It doesn't cut  
The soul  
Is not so vibrant  
The reckoning  
The sickening  
Back at you  
Subversion  
Pseudo-sacred  
Pyscho virgin  
Go tell your classes  
Go dig you grave  
Then fill  
Your mouth with  
All the money  
You will save  
Sinking in  
Getting smaller again  
Undone  
It has begun  
I'm not the only one  
And the rain  
Will kill us all  
If we throw ourselves  
Against the wall  
But no one else  
Can see  
The preservation  
Of the martyr in me  
Psychosocial! Psychosocial! Psychosocial! Psychosocial! Psychosocial! Psychosocial!" _She screamed along.  
Bella started poking Rosalie who became very annoyed and they started slapping each other as I pulled into the parking lot at the mall.

Koda turned down the music, "We can't stop Alice!" She said, "They'll catch us!"  
"Nah. We're good" I said, getting out and running for the doors. Sunglasses here I come!

Koda POV  
"Idiot" I muttered. She was gonna get us caught because she wants sunglasses?!  
"Can't you control her!?" Bella shouted from the backseat as Rosalie continued to slap her.  
"Yeah but I don't wanna" I said.  
Bella punched Rosalie in the face.  
"OW!" She screamed.  
"Will you two knock it off!?" I said, annoyed.  
"No!" They said toghether.  
"OH! I have an idea!" Bella said suddenly.  
"We're in the BatMobile, Koda take the wheel and I'll take your seat!" She said.  
I sat there, looking at her.  
"Quick! Before Alice gets back!" She said.  
I jumped into the drivers seat... And then Alice opened the car door, "NOT SO FAST!" She said.  
"Awuh!" Bella said.  
Then a glossy dark green car drove up next to us, and an arm came out the window, tapped the BatMobile and Jasper said, "Tag" Then they sped off.  
"NO!!" Alice screamed, falling to the ground with her arms up and her head towards the sky.  
"I did _not_ see that one comin" Bella and I said.


	61. Coco puff bird? What?

**So I was talkin to Maddycakes, LatuaCantante10 on AIM and we were talkin about Coco Puffs so I decided that the coco puff bird shall LIVE! AGAIN! Even though he was in the Vampire IM story((I think thats the one it was in))which was DELETED. Frickin admins. Lol. So we're putting the tag game on hold. Well it opens up into them running...  
:)**

Dear Mr. Diary,  
We tagged Alice's team! So they're it! What exactly is 'It' anyways? I mean SERIOUSLY! No one ever tells me these things! And I mean COME ON! What is 'it'?

"EMMETT STOP JOURNALING WHILE YOU DRIVE!" Jasper yelled.  
"HOLD ON! I'm almost don-"  
"WATCH OUT!" He screamed.  
Then we hit something.

"HOLY SH--!" He shouted. "YOU HIT THE COCO PUFF BIRD!"  
"OH CRAP!" I hit the brakes, threw my diary in the backseat and got out of the car.  
"Coo...coo... for... COCO!... Puffs..." The bird was muttering.  
"OH NO!" I cried. "I HIT THE COCO PUFF TURKEY BIRD!"

So we sat there while the bird was on the window shield, muttering.

So we threw him in the backseat and got in the car and drove home.

--At home...

"YOU HIT THE COCO PUFF BIRD!?" Bella screamed through the phone.  
"Um yeah..." I said.  
"DUDE! KEEP IT CAPTIVE! THAT THINGS ON THE RUN FROM THE LAW!" She said.  
"DUDE STOP YELLING!" I shouted.  
"Oh right..."  
"And Bella?"  
"What?"  
"Do coco puff turkey birds lay eggs?"  
"Well yeah... the girl birds do..."  
"Well do the guys lay chocolate coco puff eggs from their butts?"  
"Erm no... Well yeah they do!"  
"AWESOME! Cause he keeps offering us coco puffs from his butt and he says they're the cereal..."  
"Emmett you're so SLOW. They're poop"  
"I don't get it"  
"Ok well lets put it this way. He POOPS brown circle stuff rights?"  
"OH RIGHT!"  
"Well thats what hes trying to give you."  
"Oh! So hes trying to give me poop?"  
"Yes."  
"And its not eggs?"  
"No"  
"Chocolate eggs?"  
"No..."  
"DAMMIT! YOU LIED TO ME!" I yelled at the bird. Jasper's eyes widened as I stabbed the bird with a spoon.  
"COOCOO FOR COCO PUFFS!" He screamed. Then died.

"Ok thanks, Bella! Talk to you later!" I said, hanging up.  
"Let's go! Come on we've gotta get away before they come tag us!" I said.  
"Yeah but where's Edward?"  
"Who knows who cares! LETS GO!"

And we left for the Creepy Jeepy!

**Heheh :)**


	62. The END!

**I was reading my reviews and had an idea (:**

Dear Mr. Diary,

You know how Wal-Mart is like the source of amazing happiness? Yeah well we're still running from Alice and them...  
But we're in Wal-Mart! Oh yeahhhh.

_Emmett_

* * *

"Welcome to Wal-Mart!" The welcome lady said as we walked in. Then she muttered, "Get your shit and get out."  
I think she didn't want us to hear her! But with my super awesome hearing ability... I heard her!

I rolled my eyes and Jasper smiled.  
So after a few hours of us prowling the isles of Wal-Mart, we crossed the make-up section!

And of course, Jasper being the emo kid he is, flipped out and grabbed everything he could.

So five minutes later, we were in line to get the make-up.

"Getting this make-up for your wife?" The dude at the register asked Jasper.  
"Pft! Heck no! This is for me, duh." Jasper pointed to his face.  
The guy started laughing. Then Jasper hissed at him and he went silent.

After about five more minutes of the dude scanning all the junk, we were ready to go!

There was a different welcome lady at the door this time.  
She smiled at us and said, "Thank you for shopping at Krogers!"

Jasper and I started laughing our butts off, "This is Wal-Mart you silly goose!" I said to her.  
She looked at me and said, "Are you serious? I thought this was Krogers!"

Jasper gave her a weird look and we left.

* * *

Koda's POV

So as I was driving the BatMobile Emmett's creepy jeepy pulled up and was driving next to ours.

"Shiatt!!" Bella said. Rosalie crossed her arms and looked out the window.

I hit the gas. THEY'D NEVER TAKE US ALIVE!!! Maybe...

Then suddenly!

Just as it seemed you were going to find out what happened to us, the Author had a massive heart attack...

"I thought she was fourteen!?!?"

"Shut up Bella!"

Anyways... She died. Meaning this story can no longer go on! And no one won the tag game! Alice walked into a volcano, Edward married a chicken leg, Emmett ate the chicken leg, Rosalie got ugly, Jasper grew boobs, Bella became BatBrat and blew up, and then Esme and Carlisle were launched to mars!!! OMG!! What are we going to do!?!??

Nothing. Nothing what so ever.

Then the story blew up, meaning no one could ever read it ever again.

Just one problem, IT WAS ALREADY UPLOADED ONLINE!! OHMYGOD!! Who figured??

Oh yeah, and Koda married an ice cream truck and had 5728502575365768 kids... Which were all made of ice cream. Weird isn't it?

**Hope you enjoyed my story (: Haha. Sorry to have ended it so randomly and weirdly. But you know, I'm really busy. And I just don't have ideas. I'll continue my other stories when I can though.**

**Please review and tell me what you thought of my story. I might do an occasional chapter for kicks... but I don't know.**

**And no, I did not suffer a massive heart attack (:**

**Review!! And maybe I'll post specail holiday chapters or something.**

**I love you all and thanks for reading, reviewing, and encouraging me the whole way through!!!!!**

**Koda**


	63. King Emmett

**I felt like this 'completed' story needs an update...**

Dear Mr. Sir Diary,

It is I! Emmett! The mighty! The fierce! The noble! The amazingly awesome dude with the sword from the stone(Which I broke to get the sword out)! I AM KING! But before I go find my royal subjects, and laugh at the unworthy peasants... I must go and bother some people...

_King Emmett._

* * *

"Edward!" I sang, skipping down the stairs.

"WHAT?" He screamed from somewhere inside the house.

"You've got some 'splainin to dooo" I sang.

He walked out of Alice's room, "What?"

I stopped in my tracks. "Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!" I help up my hands. "Hold up! Edward."

"What?"

"Why were you in Alice's room? You DEFIANTLY have some 'splainin to do now." I said, putting my hands on my curvalicious hips.

"We were playing DDR as we always do." He said. I eyed him suspiciously. "I'll be watching you." I said in a creepy voice.

"But anyways! I think it is time...For us..." I began. "To get..."

"I'd read your mind but you don't even have one." He said.

"FREAKY!" I screamed.

Edward jumped and pressed himself against the wall. "WHAT? NO WAY! I'M NOT GAY! I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!?" He looked terrified.

"Oh ho ho!" I said merrily. "You miss understood! I meant like freaky as in scary. Like scary creepy. Like scary creepy scary! As in scaring people! With hearts that beat! And then when they have a heart attack, we shall chuckle!"

He contemplated this for a moment, "Oh. Ok!" And I then said, "Kneel and I shall knight you, Sir Edwardo!"

"What are you talking about?" He asked me.

I shoved him onto his knees. "I'm a king! Now kneel before me you unworthy peasant! I'm about to make you worthy!"

"Oh! I was always an outcast! I'LL FINALLY FIT IN! YES!" He screamed the last part.

"Fret not young child!" I said, patting his head. "For you are now, Sir Edwardo!" I took my sword and tapped his shoulders once on each side.

"Why Edwardo?" He inquired.

I shrugged, "Sounds better with the plot..."

"What plot?"

"The one for my story!"

"What story?"

"The one we're in now." I said, annoyed. "Le duh Edwardo. Get with the times."

"Okay!"

"NOW! WE MUST FIND SOMEONE WHO IS AN UNSUSPECTING VICTIM!" I shouted, plunging my sword into the air. "CHHHHAAARRRRGGG!" I screamed, running down the steps and out the front door.

I spotted someone. "WAIT!" I said loudly, holding my arm out so Edward wouldn't run past me. "I have found...The victim!"

"Um...That's Bella." He said.

"Your point?" I asked.

"What if she has a heart attack or something?"

"Carlisle, duhhh. He's here for a reason." I said.

"Oh. Well hat makes sense!"

"Exactly! Now, it is time..." I said. "CHARGE!!!"

We ran over to Bella and I jumped on her back. "DIE YOU EVIL WENCH! DIE I SAY! DIE!" I said, hitting her with 'human' punches.

"WHAT THE HECK!?" She screamed. Then "Oh! My weak human heart!" And proceed to have a seizure while I stood back and laugh.

"Quick sir knight! Retrieve, the witch doctor!" I said to Edward.

"Why is he a witch doctor?" Edward asked.

"Because Bella's a witch! Gosh. You're so stupid. Alice would be sooo much better at this." I threw my sword on the ground, crossed my arms and stomped off angrily.

Stupid Edward!

"I heard that!"

Liessss.

"And that!"

"SHUT UP!"

"FINE!"

And with that, I decided it was time for King Emmett t-

"YOU'RE NOT A KING!" Edward yelled.

"I SAID, SHUT UP PEASANT!"

"I'M A KNIGHT!"

"WELL NOW YOU'RE NOT!"

"FINE!"

Gosh.

Anyway, it was time for King Emmett to depart! For Mexico! To lead the fight against the evil Queen Rosalie! BUM BUM BUMMM!

I then heard Alice yelled, "ROSE JUST CALLED! SHE SAID SHE DOESN'T WANT TO PLAY PRETEND ANYMORE!"

"DAMN!" I shouted stomping my foot into the ground. My leg went in up to my thigh.

Nooo!! All hope is lost. Abandon shipppp! Abandon shipppppppppp!

Maybe I could just take up chess? There's a king and queen in that game at least... And NOBLE knights.

"SHUT UP EMMETT!" Edward screamed from over yonder.

"KING EMMETT SHALL NOT BE SILENCED!" I yelled back, getting up and running off into the sunset. "I SHALL BE BACK!"

Maybe....

**I got bored. And I was having a random day. So I was like "Hm. Well I should just make a random update for old times sake."**


	64. EVERYONE READ THIS

**Good lord people, stop complaing about me sending out the same chapter. I'm not. I've been correcting EVERY SINGLE chapter on here. So stfu, stop your bitching.**

**It's hard enough to correct them all and then re-upload**

**delete the old one, re-name the chapter, put it in place. and then keep going.**

**ive still got at least 15 more chapters. So just deal with it. You can pretty much just delete the update request email things. Because theyre all old chatpers.**

**Stop complaining. Jeez**

**-Koda**


	65. Albert

**I deleted Emmett's DMD2. So I just re-added this chapter onto this story instead cause I liked it. haha.**

"Tell me about the time you found the toothbrush." Bella said to me.

I stood up in front of the living room, and drew my mighty toothbrush out of my back pocket.

"So there I was!" I jumped and landed with my legs apart, knees slightly bent, and my arms out from my body. "In Wal-Mart!"

Bella sat up, Edward sighed, Alice left the room and Jasper followed her. Carlisle and Esme weren't even home. They were hunting.

I started to creep across the room really slowly, "I went down the personal health isle! And stopped!" I stopped. "Just like this! And turned on my heel to face the shelf." I turned and faced the wall. "Then I saw it. The worlds greatest toothbrush ever. But I didn't even know what it was at the time! I took it! Then I turned around in the isle! And I TOOK OFF RUNNING FOR THE EXIT!" I turned and ran to the couch and jumped over it.

Edward rolled his eyes and Bella turned around.

"They almost had me! Security was closing in! I went straight to the exit as fast as I possibly could. Then! The UNTHINKABLE happened! I ran into the door!" I ran into the wall to demonstrate. "And the toothbrush, fell from my hand and the package it was in slid under a giant stack of Mac and Cheese that was on a low station in the middle of the store! I screamed! I stood back up! I ran! I knocked over a tower of 63 boxes! I got the toothbrush! And then... I ran back to the door, and waited anxiously for it to open!" I demonstrated the toothbrush fumble, the box tackle, and the wait for the door. What I did was flip the second couch over. "It wouldn't open! So I pushed the handle on the door, and with all my strength, I manged to open it! Then I RAN through the door and all the way home." I demonstrated it for her. "And that, is how Albert came into this house."

I sat down on the couch. Albert was the greatest toothbrush ever. Ever since this morning. When I stole him.

Bella look at me as I stroked it's bristles. I had glued googly eyes on it.

"So... Did you write that in your diary?" She asked me.

I jumped up, "Holy shizzlefits! No I did not!" I ran upstairs as fast as I could (one second) and burst into my room with Albert.

I opened my drawer and looked for my Diary. Where had it gone? I searched my whole room for it. I couldn't find it. I looked again. Not there.

I fell to my knees, my fists in the air, Albert in one, air in the other (Yes, I can hold air!), "No! Mr. Diary! Where have you gone!?" I screamed to the ceiling.

"Shut up Emmett!" Edward, Alice, and Jasper called from various places in the house.

I ran downstairs to the kitchen where Edward was tying a bib on Bella while she sat in the highchair.

"Have you seen my magical talking Diary!?" I asked him frantically.

He popped open a small jar of baby food and got a small spoon, "No I haven't." He scooped some baby food onto the spoon and said to Bella, "Open wide sunshine! Here comes the choo choo train! Chugga chugga!"

She giggled and opened wide, swallowed... And then spit it back out... and began to cry.

"I don't want mushy carrots!" she screamed, slamming her fists onto the highchair tray.

Edward frowned, "Bella! Each your veggies!"

"No!" She screamed. She stuck out her tongue at him.

"Bella." He said in a warning tone.

"Never! Never ever!" She screeched.

He took the spoon, put it in the mushy food, and shoved it into her mouth.

"Eat it!" He screamed. "Eat it and enjoy it! You will eat your veggies!"

She swallowed it and started to cry even more. "You're mean!" She cried.

I stared. Edward looked at me, "What? Charlie told me to make her eat her veggies..."

I shook my head and ran upstairs to Alice and Jasper's room. I barged in, "Have you two seen my-OHMYGOD! What are you two doing!?" I screamed.

The sight was _terrible_! I wouldn't even allow a dead blind man to see the sight that I had just beheld.

"Emmett get out!" Alice screamed.

She and Jasper were playing 'Conecentration'. And yes, I am talking about the hand game were you're like, "This is the game!" -Clap clap clap- "Of concentration!" -Clap clap clap- "No repeats!" -Clap clap clap- "Or hesitation!"

The dreadful game. I screamed horror.

"And all I wanted to do was ask if you've seen my diary! Oh my god my eyes!" I ran out of the room.

Alice shouted after me, "What the heck Emmett! What the heck!"

I must find my diary!

I know I can! I think I can! I WILL! I WILL!

Even if it kills me! Even if it means Albert must go on living without me. I looked at him in my hands. Smiling at me.

"Albert... Oh Albert! If I don't survive this quest to find my Diary... I want you... To go on without me! And to learn to...to love others as you have loved me!"

And with that I shoved him into my back pocket, ran down the steps and out the front door.

* * *

I went to the area where Esme and Carlisle were hunting. Which was oddly a casino... But that's not the point! I ran up to them.

"Carlisle! Esme! Have you seen my Diary!?" I said. I was frantic.

Carlisle shrugged, and turned to the dude who was spinning some wheel thing with numbers on it. Carlisle said, "I put all my money on number thirty three!" So the dude spun the circle thing, and I turned to Esme. She looked suspicious.

Esme looked at me, "Er... Emmett... I thought you didn't want it. So I threw it away... And it's probably somewhere in like some random state..."

Carlisle screamed, "Crap! I just lost all my money!"

I fell to my knees, "No! Mr. Diary! I must find you!"

Esme turned to the spinner dude too and said, "I put all my best Windex on fourteen!" The dude spun.

I stood up and looked at Esme, "How could you!?"

She shrugged.

I ran out the door and wound up in... The Jungle!

DUN DUN DUN

**I'll get around to posting part two for this. Maybe eventually. Haha.**


End file.
